Monday, March 20, 2017

WCSD Journal Post March 20, 2017

My DW and I had a pretty uneventful week.  The last therapy session got bogged down in immediate issues, such as dealing with the kids and working better on the proper way to communicate with each other. I didn't object to any of it, but as I wrote in my last post, I'm itching to get laid pretty fucking soon.

The last weekend found us dealing with the kids -- sports competitions, homework, food -- and we spent very little time with each other.  Unfortunately, DW got her period over the weekend, so that meant some very unpredictable emotional outbursts.  She lost her cool more times than I can count. And I just know that when I bring this up with her she'll blame my tone of voice, or the kids' rowdy behavior (which was a little over-rowdy given how little quality time we got to spend on things other than homework), and she'll take very little responsibility for her role in everything.

I know that I'm supposed to navigate this minefield of her emotions without complaining, and I really am not doing that.  I take care of what I need to take care of -- master my territory, listen, care, cooperate, be emotionally connected, and come up with innovative ways to make her happy -- and she's supposed to feel so well supported that she doesn't act out like this.  But in some ways it's horseshit.  Her emotional outbursts are governed by hormones, and externalities might soften them a bit, but they never entirely eliminate them.

Our early morning affection sessions also took a turn over the weekend, and this morning we spent very little time touching each other.  Plus, the TV was on, and it's supposed to stay off.  I just didn't have the energy to deal with that so I just let it go. Tonight I'll bring it all up just so we can keep present with our communication.

Meanwhile, I keep reaching out to Mel just to keep fanning the flame of interest.  She shares my dismay that we haven't been together in over four months. She's still looking for a new job, and that's not going well, and she hasn't found a new SD, so getting back to an arrangement would solve multiple problems for her.  How do I bring her back into my life if and when DW and I come to terms with an open marriage? It's going to be tricky:

  1. I'd have to figure out a way to introduce DW to the concept of an allowance for Mel when my previous disclosures omitted it. 
  2. I'd have to probably change Mel's name since I gave it to DW at the outset of her discovery. That part should be pretty easy, actually.
  3. I'd have to make sure Mel's emotions are held in check. I know that she's got feelings for me or she'd have easily moved on from me.  If she were to get too emotionally hooked, that would feel like a high for me, but it would be a dangerous one.
Tick tick tick...

Friday, March 10, 2017

The Post-Sugar Itch

I lost my virginity the day after my 18th birthday. A high school friend, P, came over to my house one night, and we disappeared into my bedroom, way in the back of the house away from everyone. It lasted all of ten seconds before I unloaded inside her (she was on the Pill).

Because I was a very shy young man, I rarely hooked up during college.  I had sex with P a number of times throughout college, but they were few and far between, and it was not unusual for me to go longer than a year without having sex.  I did hook up with another girl when I was 21, but she was not a student. I had one sure chance to hook up with a classmate during my last year, but I was so petrified at being so inexperienced, I blew it, spectacularly (she was in my apartment, on my bed, practically touching herself).

My shyness and insecurity did not disappear with college graduation, however. I had random sex with another former high school acquaintance, and it was nearly another year before I had sex with P again. That would be our last time together.

Three months after that last time with P (who, incidentally, died of a heart attack two years ago), I started seriously dating the woman who would become my first wife. From that point over the next ten years or so, I had sex regularly, and often (as should any young man in a long-term committed relationship with a willing partner).  Then I took a break from sex as I began exploring sex addiction in a twelve-step program.  I began dating a new woman, J, but we didn't have intercourse for the first six months of our relationship (we did touching and oral) as I tried to develop a deeper understanding of my sexuality. Once I'd been inside her, the relationship lasted only one more month before I took another break that lasted five months.  The next girlfriend lasted about four months, and I was completely celibate again for six months after that, until I had sex with DW. That six-month break before DW was the longest I'd gone without sex since graduating college, and I haven't gone that long without sex since DW and I got serious with each other.

This month marks four months since I last had sex with anyone, if you don't count the two brief hand jobs DW gave me since she found out about me and Mel. If I'm being honest, I don't see myself having sex again for quite some time unless DW and I soon agree on an arrangement for me to seek fulfillment again outside the marriage.  I didn't see this coming, though I certainly was not totally surprised when she found out and things came to a screeching halt.  It's been my goal to resume sugar activity with DW's full knowledge and input (though not necessarily consent), and I've been steering discussions in that direction, both in and out of therapy.

However, I've concluded that before we can get to that point, both of us need to develop a better way of communication that is rooted in trust.  One reveal that DW made this week during treatment was that she's not quite comfortable with physically intimate time with me, as she struggles not to visualize the fact that Mel and I have been naked together, that she has had my cock in her mouth and her pussy, and that I've put my tongue in Mel's pussy as well (btw, I do NOT use that language in treatment, as it would only serve to shock; we keep language purely anatomical).  To DW, the feel of my skin on hers still carries some pain.  So I've backed off a bit. Still, I pressed her to move forward with something, even if it makes her a little uncomfortable, because that will signal to me that she realizes her role in shutting sexuality down between us, and is willing to take steps toward my side. So, with the therapist acting as a mediator of sorts, we agreed to spend a little time each day being in physical contact with each other. No TV on, no kids around, no other distractions, no thinking of the day's to-do list. Just being in the moment together, touching, working on growing more comfortable being intimate, talking about feelings. If she feels good with it, or even gets uncomfortable with anything, she needs to be present enough to articulate it right then and there.  Staying silent is not an option.  This exercise builds both intimacy and trust, as well as creates safety in being physical.  We have chosen early mornings to do this -- we must do it at the same time every day -- and for the past two days, it's been pretty good. She has come to me and put her arm around me in bed, where we hold each other, sometimes kissing, for several minutes.  She's made no attempt to press this any further, but we haven't yet talked about that, and I won't until we've done it for a week and can dig into it in therapy.

I know that people are reading this and going, "What the fuck is with your wife? What wife would completely withdraw physically from the man that she claims to love?"  Or, "What the fuck is wrong with you? There are plenty of women who would love to have a man want her as much as you want your wife.  If she can't figure that out, the hell with her!" Both points are valid, I'm afraid. But there's a huge factor in this, which is our family. For me it's simply not an option to break up my family while the kids are still young and dependent on both of us.  Call it a question of my honor. Had my younger child been a little older when DW had fully renounced sex in our marriage, I probably wouldn't have begun sugaring in the first place, but simply would have said, "This isn't acceptable to me. We work out an arrangement where I can take care of my needs on my own, or I'm leaving." I have come very close to articulating this condition (without the leaving part).  This may still be an option in the future, but that won't be coming from me. It would have to be DW's decision that the marriage is over. If she decides it's over, then we're done and I proceed, guilt-free, back into the sugar bowl (assuming I don't have to fork over everything I have in the divorce settlement).

I'm speculating a lot here, and we're currently nowhere near the point where this is a serious option, as we are making progress and getting along well.  As time goes on, intimacy must increase and full, unconditional trust must return to the marriage. If not, we all know what will happen next. But for now, I'm in the moment and making the best of things.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

How Much Longer Will the Young Girls Want Me?

I am in my mid-fifties. In decent shape (though need to be in better shape), have all my hair which is not entirely gray, keep myself impeccably groomed (no stray nose or ear hairs), and can still get a very full erection and keep it as long as needed.  I am at the peak of my earning power, have a decent net worth, and rarely, if ever, have cash flow issues.  I am practical, not extravagant; financially disciplined, not profligate; low-key, not ostentatious.

I started my journey in the Sugar Bowl when I was in my mid-forties, making half what I make today, and less attentive to my personal grooming habits than I am today, though by no means sloppy or gross.

So check out this graph I put together:

This graph represents all the women I had sex with (the X-axis) in order from Anita to MJ, and their ages when I first had sex with them (the Y-axis). The average age for this collection is 27 years old, but they have ranged in age from 19 (Nikki and Chica) to 43 (Katie).  Throughout the nearly eight-plus years that I was actively in the Sugar Bowl, most of the women ranged from about 24 to 30.  The only one who's gotten steadily older ... is me.

I confess that I'm a little depressed by this data.  Each year since things with C/Hayden ended, I make a point out of raising my minimum age up one year.  C/Hayden was 25 when things ended in September 2012, so that was my minimum age through 2013. the average in 2013 was 26, but Wanda was younger, as were Sam and Naira.  In 2014, when I raised my minimum age to 26, Audrey, Leah, Belle, and Star were all at least that age, as were all but one of the girls Audrey and I swung with; the average was nearly 28.  In 2015, when my minimum should have been 27, I was with College, who was 20, although the average was over 28.  In 2016, when the minimum age went up to 28, I had Gemini and MJ who were younger, but the average was 28. If I manage to get back in the game this year, the minimum will be 29.  The trend was definitely upward, so I did what I set out to do, for the most part.

I raise the age each year because, in my mind, I don't think younger women will be interested in a man in his mid-fifties.  Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I saw it then. I still see it that way now. If, or when, I get back in the sugar bowl, I'll get back in shape, lose weight, and take some new pictures.  I think I can pass for mid- to late-forties, so that might buy me time before women in their twenties are no longer interested. Meanwhile, that means I'll be looking for women in their early thirties before long.  As I wrote a long time ago, I tend to believe that once a woman hits that age, she starts shifting in her thinking toward something more permanent and meaningful than a short-term arrangement. Those who don't, who are delaying or abandoning marriage, will then become my main "hunting ground."  I think the selection will be much slimmer.

One thing to note here is that I'm not simultaneously raising the upper limit on my age range.  It's still 35, with possibilities to go to 40 for the right woman.  But women of that age tend to have kids, which is a deal-breaker for me unless they have readily available child-care arrangements available and can support them without an allowance from me.

#firstworldproblems, amirite?

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Refining Communications in a Marriage

Nearly three months ago, I wrote a post about communication.  Here's the crux of the post:
In a long-term, committed relationship, it's too important to leave things unsaid. If you want something from your sweetheart, say what it is. Don't ever not say what it is. Avoiding the topic creates tension and resentment, erodes trust, and ultimately poisons the relationship.
There are ways to say what you want without being hurtful, but if your sweetheart feels hurt by what you're bringing up in a respectful and honest way, it's not as important as your saying what it is you want.  Hurt feelings can heal; broken trust can too, but it's much, much harder. So opt for hurt feelings over broken trust.
In over 15 years of marriage, DW and I were, I thought, pretty open with each other about a great many things.  In our last session, however, I learned that DW feels unable to be vulnerable with me because of how I often react to her communication with me. She has said that, during times when we're just talking about anything, she'll often see me roll my eyes, or audibly sigh, or otherwise express something negative, when she really wants me to listen better and take in what she's saying. As a result, she said, she feels unable to be vulnerable with me.  "It feels like you think I'm stupid or something," she said.

I'll admit I can be difficult to talk to sometimes, particularly after I've weighed options in a given situation and I've made a decision. At times like that, anyone trying to talk me out of what I'm thinking will need to be very persuasive. In my career, I had a boss jokingly tell other members of our team, "Arguing with Porter is like bringing a knife to a gun fight. If you're not totally prepared to back your position up with solid facts, he will shoot you down where you stand."  That's really true. I was raised by a father who was, and is, an insufferable know-it-all, except he wasn't nearly as informed as he should have been (and isn't must better today, either).  In order to get my way, I would have to be fully armed with facts in order to make a persuasive case against his opinion about pretty much anything. Luckily, I have always been an avid reader and I absorb information like a sponge. I gravitated early in my adult life toward a career in journalism because I felt that the clearest, most effective way to communicate was through writing, after researching and taking my time to get everything straight.  I was a reporter for my college newspaper (a rather large daily) for two years, but sadly, the money just wasn't there when it was time for me to get a professional job in that field. Still, my career path did take me into financial services, where I started as an analyst responsible for digging deep and finding facts and reporting them.  I would say that on the whole it's been good for me to have this constant need to get to the truth about stuff; it's in my blood now, and I hope that I'm able to pass it on to my children.

A couple of the traits I inherited from Dad was 1) impatience, and 2) wearing my heart on my sleeve, a lot. These show up everywhere.  In my mind, it's always, get to the fucking point already! You think I have time to wait for you to make your case? On top of that I sometimes struggle with being able to hide how exasperated I am with the whole thing, or I get too excited about something cool when I should be chill. That last thing is something about which I passionately instruct my kids. "Be cool," I tell them. "It's great to get excited sometimes, but sometimes it's great just to sit back and not give all of yourself away so that people can read you like a book.  Make it a little harder for them to get a good read on you."

So when DW sort of drifts into wanting to tell me something, I can sometimes show all of these character flaws. I said to her, "If I'm rolling my eyes, you need to know that it isn't about you necessarily. Impatience is sort of a default state for me; something I need to work on, obviously, but I'm telling you that you should take it with a grain of salt and not too personally."  I also said, "If I'm frustrated, or really digging something, you also know how I'm feeling, whether I'm being demonstrative about it or not. None of it is directed at you unless I'm telling you it's about you."  She took that in and I think it's really going to help her when talking to me going forward.

Then it was my turn. "Sometimes it looks to me that your whole life is one, endless to-do list," I said. "I have heard you running down your list as you walk through the house, all day long. I've woken up in the morning, rolled over to take you in my arms, and the first words out of your mouth have been, 'I need to get up and let the dog out to pee.' When you do that I feel frustrated and neglected, and it puts distance between us. The story in my head is that you do that to avoid intimacy, and it has shown up in how you available you are physically, and how disconnected you are to me and the kids.  I want you to take time to notice more of what's around you, to show gratitude for all that's great in your life, and to be present for me, especially when I'm reaching out to you romantically or sexually." DW acknowledged all of these things as true.  "We really need to get better at communicating with each other," she said.

One other thing that really hurt was when she said she saw me as overly serious and not very fun, particularly around the kids.  She compared me to a friend of ours, who is always mixing it up with his kids, and ours when the families get together. I had a thousand different facts to back me up, but I chose instead to focus on my emotional reaction. "I think, if you think about it," I said, "you'd be able to remember a lot of times when I'm with the kids, either one on one or together, having a blast."  She said that perhaps she wasn't articulating herself correctly.  "I want there to be more fun in the house," she said.

"What you want to see, bring," I responded. "I bring playfulness, a lot.  Where is your sense of fun? Where's your joy, your passion?  After you get home from work, you don't engage with the kids about much beyond their homework, and a lot of that is yelling when they don't hop to it as quickly as you'd like. After that it's dinner, more homework, dishes, making lunches, washing up, and falling asleep within ten minutes. Let's face it: you and I are so often in task mode that we really struggle to have fun."  She agreed.

The last thing we covered had to do with efforts we made over the last week to be physically intimate. Twice in the last week, I suggested that we sleep naked and close together. One night DW came to bed wearing a pretty sexy nightgown, short and revealing in all the right places. DW has a great body and it's pretty irresistible for me. The second time was early morning and she got up to use the bathroom. "Come back naked," I said.  She came out topless and climbed into bed. Both times I reached out and started touching her, but nothing was reciprocated.  I got frustrated and felt disappointed. I made a point to acknowledge her effort, but I confessed I liked things to move along more quickly (my impatience, perhaps).  She said in the session that she did what she felt capable of doing, citing nervousness, discomfort, and fatigue.  These have been her go-to places for years to avoid intimacy. "If you want us to move forward and into new territory," I said, "you're going to have to get away from what feels comfortable."  She agreed, but said she couldn't get the thought out of her mind that I'd been skin to skin with someone else, and it inhibited her. "Of course," I agreed, "I'm not really in a rush with us.  It will happen with time, so long as we continue to talk.  But I told you last week that I have been starving for your affection. You are looking at what I did as some huge crime, but in my eyes what I did kept me at home rather than out the door."  I made a note in my mind that I might have to work even harder to convince her to step aside while I explored sexuality with other women. I know we'll keep trying this, and I'm not expecting to have my cock inside her at all, but if we are both working on intimacy, she'll need to make more of an effort.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Taste of Sugar -- Talking to Sam

Since my last session with DW at the therapist, I've decided that it's time to lay the groundwork to dive back into the sugar bowl.  It may be weeks or months yet before I'm ready, or before DW is ready, but there's no time like now to set things in motion.

While my preference would be Mel, there is a good chance that she will be unavailable when the time comes.  She's actively looking for a new job, and is potentially ready to relocate.  About 100 miles away, in fact. Not wanting to be surprised, I also contacted Chic, who is in an arrangement already.

Sam was the only other woman left from my past with whom I had a good enough relationship to consider for the next phase -- an arrangement out in the open.  I texted her late last week; just a generic "Hey, how are you?" type of text, no details.  I wanted to see if she'd respond since she hadn't been responding much over the past six months.

Luckily, she answered back, a few days later as is her wont. We were able to exchange several texts, and I left her with this one: "Boy, do I have a story to tell you, but I can't tell it by text. Let's talk by phone?"  She agreed and we set a time to talk first thing this week.

We spoke for about half an hour yesterday afternoon, and I've learned a few new things about her. For one thing, she has all but shut down her non-profit pet rescue business.  She's been earning a living dancing at clubs (non-nude) for more than a year (which I knew about), and it was taking her out of town too often to care for her business. She has just a few fostered animals to place and then she'll shut it down for good.  Another thing is that she's looking to buy a home.  Given that I've owned a number of homes in my life, I had a little bit of guidance to offer her.  Seems the dancing gigs she's been on have paid her very well -- she cleared six figures last year! -- but the clubs don't actually pay her.  She pays the clubs a fee to perform there, and then earns tip income in cash from patrons.  After travel expenses, clothes, shoes, etc., she still makes a hefty haul.  So, she's been saving a lot since her rent is not that expensive, and now she has enough to put down on a small house or condo. She's dismayed, however, by the cost of housing in Southern California, and is actively considering moving out of state.  Bad move, I told her, since there are very few "affordable" neighborhoods that she will enjoy more than living here, where most of her work is. What she saves in housing will get eaten up in travel expenses to get here and the other major cities where she currently works.

In my mind, I was thinking that perhaps Sam was going to be another loss.  However, the third thing I learned was that she was now cutting back on the dancing gig (she only worked two nights a week anyway) and she has signed with a modeling agent.  She expects to book a fair number of jobs from that, which will not only pay her more than dancing, but will be reported income that she can use to help her qualify for a mortgage.

Then I told her my story.  She was understanding, of course. The interesting thing she said, however, was, "I don't get why wives get all upset when they find out their husbands are sleeping with other women.  I mean, every man I meet on [the sugar website] is married, and those who aren't are pathetic. Why do they get all worked up about their men having sex, especially if they're not having sex with their husbands?"  If there is a woman out there who believes that husbands ought to forgo sex indefinitely if their wives don't want it, I've yet to meet her.

This is the absolute crux of my current journey with DW. Why, when I get zero say in when to have sex, should I agree to have no sex if my wife is no longer interested in having it?  Is this part of the "for-better-for-worse" vow? Well, I call bullshit.  I know it's not terribly meaningful to many people, but in my religious tradition, while sex is DW's right (in fact I'm obligated to give her sex regularly and to watch for signs as to when she desires it and be ready to give it to her), she doesn't have full control to withhold it from me. If, for example, she withholds sex as a form of punishment (as she has done for many years), I'm permitted to divorce her without paying the substantial divorce settlement that is spelled out in our marriage contract.  And yes, we do have that marriage contract, although it's only ceremonial when there are civil laws in California that supersede it.

Anyway, when Sam had heard my story, she said she was completely open to getting together again. She hesitated somewhat when I mentioned that it was possible, though not likely, that DW would want to meet her before we got together. Sam was concerned that DW might discover Sam's public profile (she has 33,000 followers on IG and 7,000 on Twitter) and "out" her.  I explained to Sam that DW would never do that. "If we get to the point where we have an open marriage, it's just going to be open between us.  No one else in our families, none of our friends, nobody, will know about it. If she did anything to expose you, she'd only expose herself.  We'll be keeping this very quiet." That seemed to make Sam a little more comfortable, but I also said, "My wife would never meet you until you were ready, so it'd all be up to you anyway."

Sam will be leaving town for a couple of weeks, so we agreed to talk again when she gets back, mid-March.  Hopefully there will be more to talk about then.  I now have to think about how to arrange "meeting" Sam again and pretending we don't already know each other.  Shouldn't be too hard, but now I can't be too careful.

Friday, February 24, 2017

A Couple Peeling Back the Onion

I should probably blog the day after our sessions so that they're fresher in my mind.  We had a very productive hour this week.  After negotiating a really tough drive, I made it there with about five minutes to spare.  DW was checking in, and I was in a bit of a pissy mood, but I took a seat in the waiting room and gave my wife a kiss as she sat next to me.  We did a little checking in, but nothing consequential.  When the therapist came out to get us, my mood hadn't yet lifted, so I had some impatience left over from my drive. At that moment our older kid texted DW about arranging a lift home from sports practice, and needed a classmate's phone number (or at least the kid's mom's number) in order to make that happen.  DW stood in the hallway sending the kid a rather detailed text, and I felt a little testy trying to get her to at least finish up in the treatment room.  I ended up going to the treatment room on my own, using a heavy-footed, long-strided walk to get her attention. Didn't work; DW slowly walked into the treatment room after I had already taken my seat, and she was still texting away. I knew I needed to let it go, but I'm an impatient man, and it wasn't easy.  Once she sat down and we could look each other in the eyes, I started to calm down.

But not right away.  As we took a couple of minutes to get centered, the therapist asked DW what she was seeing on my face. (Damn, she's perceptive, that one!).  Unfortunately, DW was absorbed in something going on in her mind and she wasn't picking up on it. In fact, I recall that there were moments during our session that I noted how detached DW seemed.  Actually, "detached" is probably the wrong word; perhaps "disconnected" is better.  She was not only disconnected from what she was feeling (at least at first), but she was disconnected from what I was feeling, particularly at that moment.  Like she has so frequently done throughout our marriage, she was so absorbed in taking care of our kid's needs that she missed or ignored what was going on with me.  In that moment I was pretty annoyed, but in hindsight there was no benefit to my being annoyed, so I'm glad that DW didn't see it; it could have wasted time digging into it.

I think the biggest thing that came out of this session was DW expressing her deep worry that, should she and I prove to be sexually incompatible, it would mean a divorce for us. I assured her that sexual incompatibility alone would not mean divorce.  And it's true: there are so many things about her that I love and want to be around, and the absence of sex isn't going to change any of that.  As we dug into the session more, she learned that I was very determined not to go back to the way things were around our sex life. "I'm a good man, and I'm very sexual, and I deserve a healthy and exciting sex life," I told her. She fully understands now that she needs to wake up and discover whether or not sex is important enough for her to make room for it in her life.  If it is, she needs to determine her desired level of participation, knowing that it may not be enough for me.  If is isn't, I said we "need to redefine what it means to be married." She was in tears a lot of the time during this hour, which made me tear up too. My tone of voice changed as I got more animated about this.  I apologized for it, however, saying, "Re-litigating this stuff is bringing back up all the resentment and sadness that I felt for all those years."  I was still in a place of acceptance around where things were with us sexually, and that wasn't going to change.  "If we never have sex again, it's OK, I'm fine, but just so you know that I can't and won't stop having sex."  She knows that other women will have to be a part of our future, if she can learn to live with my "infraction," and if she can't find the sexual desire in herself to be my sole partner.

The discussion will be ongoing for several weeks.  We haven't talked about it at all during the week, but she is clearly formulating stuff in her mind.  After the session, she made an effort to be more affectionate (non-sexually), but that petered out by the next morning.  I told her during the session, "I know now that sleep is your sex, and that's what you want more than anything."  She nodded her head, knowing I was right.

If someone asked me what my chief concern was at this point, it would be that DW would get close to the edge of discovery and back away out of fear and refuse to go any further.  If she doesn't accept my terms around sexuality, I'll have to leave.  But that may be a long way off.

Already I am planning what to do next.  I reached out to Mel, to Chic, and to Sam this week.  Mel is open to resuming our relationship, although she refused to meet DW. "I can't look her in the eye knowing that I helped to hurt her."  I understood that and said I would back her up on that.  Chic is involved with someone else who has offered her more money than I'd be willing to offer.  I saw Sam's profile while doing a brief scroll through the SD website, and sent her a text, but haven't had a reply. I don't think she'll ever respond.  I'm fine with going back and finding someone new anyway.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Life Goes On, Part 2 (Leah Edition)

This is a recent pic of Leah and her fiance, shared with the world by her mother.  As she did not play as big a part in my life as C/Hayden did, this one doesn't sting as much.

I was tempted not to doctor the photo, but I made the better choice, I think.

Wishing them well, and Life Goes On.