Monday, October 29, 2012

Getting to Know Wanda

Wanda and I were together today for the third time, and I'm liking the getting to know you part that always comes at the beginning.  I entered her apt. to find her in her bra and panties on the bed, covers pulled back.  She has such an amazing figure, I couldn't wait to crawl into bed with her.  Getting caught up, I asked her if she'd met and/or fucked any other guys.  (I do this because I think it's important to know if the girl I'm fucking is being responsible enough for me to continue fucking her, especially after what happened last January.) 

She scoffed at that idea, saying that she had no time at all for meeting men.  "So," I pressed, "I guess I'm your only lover."  "You're my only lover," she said.  I like that she used that word.

I mentioned to her about Jugs, who had asked me to be her fuck-buddy outside the arrangement, and I told Wanda that she was free to call me anytime.  She seemed willing to do that, although I sort of doubt it would ever happen. 

We kissed a lot, which both of us like, and soon I was working my way down on her.  I like to tease by kissing, biting and licking around her pussy, such as in the joint between her thigh and her pubic region.

Suddenly she got very ticklish, so even when I was licking her clit, she was twitchy and giggling.  To get her mind off it, I told her to start on me.

If I haven't said this before, I'll say it now: There is nothing more satisfying than a fantastic blow job.  In fact, I'll go on the record and state today that if DW had a reasonably talented mouth and indulged me once a week, I'd probably think twice about the Sugar lifestyle.

Wanda has great talent, but she can be a little tentative. Over time, perhaps she'll get the hang of it if I give her some instructions.  But no complaints from me, watching my member slip in and out of her mouth.  She has very full lips and is adept at keeping her teeth away, so I enjoyed every minute of it.

More kissing, then I returned the favor she gave me.  She reached climax pretty quickly, which was just a tad disappointing.  I love giving as much as receiving, so the longer I can do it, the better.  One little funny bit: she queefed when she came

This time, our fucking just exceeded all expectations.  So much kissing -- I'll never get enough of her mouth and tongue.  The sound of bodies slapping together, her breathing getting heavy next to my ear, her fingernails digging into my back, but not scratching (good thinking, babe). 

A little tangent, to bring one bit of sugar advice, subjective as it may be: Ladies, no matter how wet you think you get when you're having sex, latex condoms interfere with it.  Use lube.  And don't use KY; it tends to be too thick and sticky.  I prefer AstroGlide, which is thinner, more like natural lubricant.

Wanda and hung out and had a lot of laughs afterwards.  We discussed the upcoming election.  She's politically illiterate.  I don't like to get into politics on a blog like this, but I bring it up only to illustrate how young she is and how important it is for one to develop one's sense of the world.  Like many people, she started paying attention to the campaigns only a few weeks ago.  I had to point out to her what had been happening the last year or so.  I completely blew her mind with my grasp on the issues, and I think on that basis I convinced her to make the right choice next week.  I'll be following up with her to be sure.

Well, an unintentional tangent, but definitely one that illustrates how mind-boggling this sugar lifestyle is for me sometimes.  A whole generation separates Wanda and me, years that for her have no real meaning as anything other than a dream of what might be someday.  For me, I've lived that time, done so much, learned so much, contributed much more.  I get a sense of my own value in the world, particularly when I think of my children.  Wanda is still a child.  And I'm fucking her, and enjoying every minute of it.  Perhaps this discussion will add a dimension to the relationship, of more mentorship, of something other than pure sexual satisfaction.  Hmmm.

CC is My Girlfriend

10/11/2008 After three times together, it's pretty clear that CC and I are together now.  We just hung out again after work at her apartment.  A nice bottle of wine, a short convo on the couch, a kiss or two, then off the bedroom to fuck.  We tried anal again, and again it just didn't come together.  When I went down on her I stuck two fingers up her ass, and it made her come.  I think she's probably just really nervous about my cock fitting inside her, so I'm going to give up on anal with her. 

More convo about relationships again.  It seems like every time we're together we have a talk about relationships.  She's a bit of a broken record, this one.  Still, she's a great fuck, she's sucks dick really well, she swallows, she lives in her own apartment, she's at least a nice person, and it's only $300 a visit.  I think can put up with her limited communication skills at this rate.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Jugs is Leaving

After texting Joni, the next day I was cleaning up old Google contacts and came across the email address for the girl I call Jugs.  We never made it to the bedroom, but we came pretty close.  After a three month absence, I decided to email her to see what was up.

She was very wary of my approaching her, which wasn't a surprise.  She just happened to be packing up.  She got a new job out of state and was going to be away for at least a year.  Good for her, I thought.  However, she emailed to tell me she wasn't all that keen on leaving, and that if she'd been able to find a SD she would have stayed.   Ah, this was the reason why I decided against fucking her.  A bit needy (not unusual for women her age) and manipulative.

Not to waste the opportunity of being in contact with her, I emailed her that, if she was free on Friday and I booked a hotel room, would she show up for a goodbye fuck.  She said yes, but for $500.  Now, I hadn't intended to give her any cash.  She was leaving, never coming back as far as I was concerned.  I have Wanda, and she gets my money.  Still, I thought about a gift card which would be more thoughtful, less impersonal than throwing cash at her.

She was offended.  Her email was along the lines of "I sincerely apologize if I ever gave you the impression that I wasn't all about business.  I don't give out freebie fucks, so unless you're willing to come up with the cash, there would be no reason to hook up.  I wish you all the best Porter."

My reply: "All business?  I suppose it was 'all business' when you kissed me and let me finger your wet pussy in my car.  What was that, a free sample?  I suppose also it was 'all business' when you asked if I would come see you and fuck you, for free, because you knew you needed sex more than twice a month.  Ah, yes, that was your sales pitch, right?  And when you practically stuck your tits right in my face during lunch?  Must've been your PowerPoint presentation.  Yeah, sure -- you were all business!

"Three months go by since I told you thanks, but no thanks, and all I wanted to do was check in with you.  Now that you're leaving, what would be the harm of a goodbye fuck?  You wouldn't leave empty handed, and you'd get my cock in your pussy and mouth, which is what you wanted whether we had an arrangement or not.  Or was you just  full of shit?"

I then followed up with an email of my erect cock entitled, "Passed up on this, babe."

Yeah, a bit small minded, I know, but what the fuck?  I get to be a Sugar Daddy to one girl at a time.  If I can get some free pussy on the side, what's the harm?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Joni Again?

Thought about Joni this morning.  Fond memories of this girl.  We connected on so many levels, I really thought there was a good chance she'd be the next Hayden.  Didn't work out though.

I texted her anyway.  Nice that she answered.  She asked if I wanted to get together again.  But, she lives with multiple roommates and we would need a hotel.  With Wanda having her own place, I don't see the need to let her go, so I'm not sure.  Still, I texted her that I'd think about it, and that she gave me the best blow job of my life.  I really had fun with her.  She agreed that our one time together was special, and was looking forward to hearing from me again.

Logic would dictate that she isn't right for me when I have a great girl who doesn't need a hotel.  But Joni and I had a connection that was much deeper than what Wanda and I have so far.  Maybe it's not a good thing to have a deep connection.  After Hayden, I think right now that deep connections are potentially painful distractions that keep me from focusing on work and family.

So no Joni for now.  Good to still have her number and that she's available.  I'll see how things are going after the end of the year.

Experiment Postponed

Well, it didn't even have much of a chance to get off the ground.  DW and I failed in our experiment to go seven consecutive days having sex.  Last night, she was so tired from her long day she fell asleep before 10 pm.  She said she would do it in the middle of the night, but I sleep pretty soundly, so she would have to be the one to wake me up.  I rolled over at almost 6 am to get up to pee, and she was up.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked.

"I just wanted to sleep," she said.  "We could do it now if you want."

"The kids'll be up any second."

"Quickie," came her muffled reply.

"Well," I said, "we're gonna have to do it again tonight."

That didn't go over well.  And then I realized that I'd blown it.  See, she'd said yes so quickly to the idea, that I never gave her the context around why I wanted to do this with her.  As she saw it, this was just a little something to do for fun, but for me it was more than that.  It was a chance to connect on a level we hadn't connected on in a long time, to communicate with each other over good things rather than arguing.  But now she was feeling "pressured" to have sex.  So I gave up and told her we'd discuss it later when we were out of bed.

She and I discussed it a few minutes ago and now she understands.  She doesn't really know if anything will come of it, but she's open to trying.  Pushing things back at least a week so that the stress of work is over with.  But, there's always something stressing her out.  "Really, I'm not sure if this is where I'm at," she said, "or if this is just who I am."  As in asexual and simply not interested in that level of physical intimacy.  It's OK, for now.  Someday, though, it's going to return and we'll have a big discussion about the future.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Seven Days of Sex, Day One

Last night DW and I started our seven-day experiment to have sex every day.  My expectations going in were, understandably, quite muted, and last night did not exceed them.  Conventional, boring, uninspiring.  She was also a little playful, so there was that.  But I give credit to DW for agreeing to this experiment.

Let's see if the experiment continues tonight.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Finally, a Real Sexual Outlet

9/25/2008 -- CC and I got together for the second time.  We were meeting after work, around 5:30 or so, which presented a bit of a challenge for me having to explain late nights to DW.  Having clients after hours was not unusual for me, so it was a plausible scenario, and could conceivably be something I used all the time, but from all that I'd read, I knew that "working a lot of late nights" is a sign that your spouse is cheating on you.  So I remembered not to abuse this one too much.

Getting to CC's apartment by 5:30 meant I had to leave my office early.  Given that my job was not working out, I wasn't too unhappy about it.  I figured by the end of the year I'd be looking for another one, so I wasn't going to give this one 100% anyway.

CC's apartment building had security, but because she didn't have a land line, I had to text her when I arrived so she could meet me at the gate.  Unfortunately that meant I couldn't sneak up on her and surprise her, and she couldn't great me at the door naked.  I always brought something with me that looked like I was coming there on business so that we didn't attract attention, and I always shook her hand when she came to the gate.  Little did anyone who might have seen us know that once the door was closed, we were doing business alright!

Wine bottle opened and poured, got comfortable on the couch.  Asked if we could move to the bedroom to play this time, and she said fine.  Got in there and it didn't take long till we were naked again and my cock in her mouth.  While she was sucking me, I asked her if she'd let me fuck her ass.  She said fine, but that she'd have to prepare.  I obliged her by licking her ass and spitting on it to get her really excited.  Again, she had one of her wide-eyed orgasms. 

She then got up and went to her kitchen.  When she came back she had a glass dildo in her hand, not quite as big as my cock.  "Touch it," she said.  It was freezing cold!  "I keep it in the freezer when I'm not using it," she said.  "I love the way it feels when I put it inside me."  "Show me," I said.  Since I was a sick voyeur, this would be a treat!  She lay back and spread her legs, rubbing the tip of the dildo on her clit, then putting it inside her.  She let out a little gasp, as her hips started to rock in rhythm with her strokes.  Speaking of stroking, off I went on my own dick!  This was better than porn.  I stroked the length of my dick while I used my other hand to stroke her all over, particularly her inner thighs.  "Put that thing in your ass," I commanded her.  She obliged, slowly inserting it in her ass, at least five or six inches before withdrawing up to the tip, then back in.  My hand was furiously working away on my throbbing dick, and I could take it no longer.  On went the condom and I started off fucking her missionary style while the dildo stayed in her ass.  She came within two minutes, and we were already sweating.  I pulled out and applied lots of lube to my cock, then her ass.  "You have to go real slow," she said, "'cause that thing's so huge!"  "OK," I said with a smile.

Getting inside her ass was not as easy as I'd thought it would be.  She tensed up and couldn't relax all the way, but eventually we got it in.  However, it took a long time and my erection had subsided a bit.  Once we stroked some in her ass, I got harder, and it felt good, but not as awesome as I'd remembered it from so long ago (the only other time I'd ever done anal was in '96).  Eventually we stopped, I changed condoms, and changed positions so we could properly fuck some more.  This time I came inside her. 

The one thing I always hate about using condoms is pulling out fairly quickly after having an orgasm.  With my erection subsiding, there's a chance that the condom might not come off still on my withdrawing penis, and some sperm would end up inside her.  It's always so much better to lie there, still connected, kissing and catching our breath, until I sort of slip out.  Anyway, while still hard, I pulled out, gripping the base of the condom so it didn't slip off. 

After I disposed of the evidence, cleaned off, and returned to her bed, we talked about her job, her plans, her girlfriends here in town, and her social life outside our arrangement.  Turned out she didn't have much of a life.  One or two girlfriends, both of whom were in relationships, and she wasn't dating anyone.  Her weekends were usually spent going to her gym, to the beach to people watch, or on drives around the area since she was new to town and didn't know her way around.  She occasionally got invited to parties, but wasn't meeting men and wasn't sleeping with anyone but me.

I kind of felt sorry for her that she didn't have more people here in town to hang around with, and thought of how I could spend more time with her, but buried that thought quickly.  No weekends allowed with the girlfriends, I said to myself.  I wished she'd been fucking other guys, as that would at least be something to talk about and turn into a little sexual excitement to fuel our visits. 

After awhile I cleaned up and headed home to dinner with the family.  Well, by this time, the kids would be getting ready for bed.  I'd have time to read them stories and snuggle with them before getting time with DW.  All this AND I have a girl to fuck in the ass!  Things don't usually get much better than this!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

My First Real Mistress

September 4, 2008

After more than three months of looking for the right girl, I was getting a little discouraged.  Anita could've been the one, but I wasn't ready.  Lina was geographically undesirable.  Katie was a liar.  In between them were a few who'd never made it past a couple of emails.  And yet, here I was, driving home from work, about to talk to a girl who I thought might be the one.

CC was in her early thirties, blonde, blue eyes, southern, and had a pretty face and smile.  She moved out here to find work, but was having trouble getting a job.  She was doing low-wage work for some jewelry wholesaler.  Still, she had her own place on the other side of town, so that was a plus.  During our phone call, I found out that she was very agreeable to a bi-weekly arrangement at $300 per visit.  I also found out, to my great pleasure, that she had a voracious sexual appetite and was into everything.  Oral.  Anal.  Group sex/swinging.  Exhibitionism (a great complement to my voyeurism).  Masturbation/Toys.  Porn.  Her trouble was, she hadn't really found anyone to explore that with.  Every other guy she'd met to that point had wanted sex for free and was older, uglier, or poorer than they'd let on.  She agreed to my terms even though she'd wanted more, because I'd told her I was reliable and consistent.  In other words, once I found the girl, I was loyal and not prone to let a good thing get away.  We agreed to meet for dinner the next week, on September 11.

I showed up on time to the restaurant, and she was already there in the bar waiting.  This was a good sign, but what did I expect?  The younger ones just didn't seem to be as concerned with timeliness as the older ones.   She was definitely cute, had a bit of a southern accent, but not much, and dressed appropriately.  We got to our table and ordered, whereupon she excused herself to go to the bathroom.  When she got back, she told me she texted her friend to let her know all was OK, that I was decent looking, and that she wasn't worried at all.  "Oh," I said, "but you might have told her that too soon.  I think you have plenty to be worried about."  "Like what?" she asked.  I leaned in close to her.  "Like, are you going to be able to handle all of my cock?"  "I guess we'll just have to see about that," she said.

We agreed to continue the date at her apartment after dinner.  It was a 45 minute drive, in traffic.  Not really a good sign.  On the way, I picked up wine and some condoms.

Her apartment was in a clean building, spacious, and had almost no furniture except a couch and an old TV in the living room, and her bed in the bedroom.  She needed the money for furniture, obviously!  We did everything right there on the couch.  Naked, she looked like she'd lost a lot of weight; her skin was kind of loose.  But she had a good figure.  Oral was very nice, and she had an orgasm at least once.  Nice part about that: instead of closing her eyes, she opened them wide when she came and looked right at me.  Hot.

I slipped my dick inside her without the condom at first, promising to pull out after 10 seconds.  "No problem," she said, "I'm on the pill, just don't cum in me."  As promised I pulled out, and on went the condom.  I don't really know why, but when I'm with other women, I'm much rougher in the sack than when I'm with DW.  CC had several orgasms.  I liked this girl!  She swallowed my cum and then went to clean up.

I hung out for a bit and we chatted more.  She got divorced after her husband hit her.  They'd had a very sexual relationship and she said that's how she got all into sex.  All in all, she seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and was grounded enough to be reliable and consistent.

We made another date for two weeks later, and I was out the door after a shower.  I believed I'd found her, and smiled all the way home.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

An Autumnal Thaw?

As I've written, I seek sexual fulfillment outside of my marriage because DW is not interested in improving the quality (or quantity for that matter) of the sex that we have.  On a very fundamental level, she and I are sexually incompatible.  It would be impossible for me to endure a lifetime of sex on her terms were I not to have the outlet that I have created for myself.  Essentially, DW consents to sex with me because she realizes that I and the marriage need it, but if I told her it was OK not to have sex anymore, she would be just as content not to "put out" anymore.

The benefits of sex between us these days, other than some level of physical pleasure, is to bond emotionally.  If the quality of sex were acceptable to me, I'd therefore see the quantity of sex we're having as a barometer of how things were going between us, emotionally.  The fact that both quantity and quality are under her control, and the fact that she exhibits little interest in improving either, show me that our relationship really needs to be strong in other areas.  Fortunately, it is, so we are able to work around the sexual deficiencies.  Plus, I fuck other women, which truly helps me cope.

A week or so ago, I was helping DW clean up from dinner, when I mentioned that I'd like to have sex that night.  She agreed.  Then, for no real reason and without any expectations, I made an off-the-cuff suggestion: how about we have sex every day for a week?  There's a show DW and I once watched called "7 Days of Sex," which profiles a couple in each episode that is having relationship issues.  The sexual activity is intended to unblock whatever's holding them back from connecting with each other the way "normal" married couples should.  (Yeah, I know the show's on Lifetime TV, don't break my balls over the fact that I watched it.)  Surprisingly, DW agreed to that as well.

The first night was fun.  I got to go down on her and she had an orgasm, and we left a pretty massive wet spot on the bed!  The next night, however, we had a dinner party, and we both ate and drank way too much.  I'm not very functional when I'm inebriated, and we were both feeling disgusted and so exhausted, that we missed the second night.  No problem, I suggested, let's just start over.  The next day, DW felt nauseous and crampy, which meant only one thing: PMS and a week of her period.  We agreed to start over after her period ended, so it looks like tonight's the first night again.  I'll check in daily to report back not only what happens, but how I am feeling (and maybe her too).

Oh, another thing: for her birthday this year, I bought her a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, a book I've read and heard so much about.  One woman I knew joked on Facebook that she's burned through two sets of batteries since starting the book... now that's a woman who likes her sex!  Anyway, DW agreed that we would read the book to each other each night before having sex.  We'll see how that goes.

Finally, since DW and I will be engaged in this activity this next week, I won't be seeing Wanda.  My first rule is no sex with both women on the same day.  Wanda was OK with it, though.

I want to be clear: I don't see this next week as an opportunity for DW and I to restore any semblance of sexual compatibility.  That ship has sailed and it's never coming back, as far as I can see it.  What it can do is give us a chance to connect in a way we haven't for quite a long time.  I don't anticipate she'll be giving me a BJ this next week, and I don't plan to push the boundaries of what we do in bed (well, maybe just a little).  But, after we're done, I hope that she and I are looking at each other with fresh eyes and appreciating each other a lot more.

Have to remember to tamp down my expectations though.  So... here goes nuthin'!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Am I Just a Cheating Husband?

In reading my last two posts here and here, it occurs to me that some people reading them could be a little offended.  After all, I'm just some guy, hiding my name, and posting stories about my marital infidelity.  I'm cheating.  How do I justify passing judgment on a potential mistress who lies to me about her age?

Essentially, I reject the premise, on several levels.  First, I reject the idea that someone who is engaging in "dishonest" behavior (i.e., cheating on my wife) cannot still feel offended when becoming the victim of dishonesty.  We are presumably all grown ups in the Sugar world; we know why we're there, we know what we're doing.  Not one woman I've ever slept with in over four years has thought I was single.  I've always been up front about my marital status, have always sent them recent photographs that accurately represent me, always tell them my real age, and, after we meet face to face, tell them my real name (I'll get into that in a second).  Call the Sugar subculture what you will, but as I participate in it, I try to bring my best to it.  In Katie's case, her lying about her age served one purpose: to separate me from my money.

Second, I reject the idea that, despite the fact that I'm cheating on my wife, I'm not also a fundamentally decent man.  As I wrote earlier, "I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my wife, and am still wildly attracted to her.  She may be in her 40s, but she takes great care of herself and is simply the most beautiful woman I've ever known."  I'm devoted to her, to our children, to our family, to the life we've created, to the community roots we're putting down, and to our future.  For whatever reason, DW is not interested in engaging in sex with me at the level I desire or require.  In other words, as a man I deserve to have a better sex life than the one I have.  With divorce not being an option, and with communication not yielding results, and with DW not possessing the emotional fortitude to recognize that she cannot force me to endure her asexuality, my only choice was to take care of my sexual needs on my own.  Years went by before I made the choice I made to find a mistress.  Years of feeling a bit betrayed, resentful, and neglected.  Years of seeing how those feelings were not being given due consideration.

I realize that sounds a bit sad, but in the context of all that does work in our marriage and life together, I don't see this as a big thing.  I'm perfectly capable of honoring my commitment to all that we have created without having to submit to sexual monogamy.   If I could have it to do over again, I would definitely have demanded an open marriage right at the moment she suggested it.  But that's not where we are, or were.  So long as DW continues to dodge the issue, it's not where we will be, either. 

At the end of the day, I'm a Sugar Daddy with my eyes wide open.  I know what I'm doing, and I realize that if I ever get caught, it will be devastating to DW and will likely mean the end of my marriage and the break-up of my family.  Hopefully that will never happen, but if it does, I'm prepared to accept responsibility.  I willingly accept all the risks, but I'm going to do everything I can to avoid getting caught.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Healing Has Begun

It's been more than three weeks since Hayden and I said goodbye, and more than two weeks since we last communicated.  After three amazing years together, it feels a lot like a real-life relationship ending than an "arrangement."  Hayden's a girl who I'll remember when I'm 85, toothless, bedridden, and years beyond my period of marital infidelity.  She changed me forever.  No one has ever understood me on a sexual level the way she did.  She was, without a doubt, my sexual soulmate.  Because of her, I know who I am sexually.  I no longer feel shame about it either.  Plus, she introduced me to Wanda, so at least I still have my sexual outlet with someone I can be comfortable with from the get-go. 

While the three-year relationship seems like such a long time, for me it went by so fast.  Seeing as we only got together twice a month, and had almost a year of time apart spread out over that period, we were only together about 60 times or so.  Boiled down, it really was a blink of an eye. 

This blog is, in a way, my attempt to remember her, and all of my time with her, and to make it permanent.  I'm thrilled for her that she is with someone she loves and wants to be with forever, that she is committed to her success, and committed to healthy living.  Some days, though, it hurts because I miss her so much, and because I won't be around to witness the happiest days yet to come: a wedding, a family, a fabulous life unfolding before her day by day.  (Lump in my throat, a little sting in my eyes.  What a fool I am, haha!)

They say it takes two months of healing for each year together.  I'm not sure that I'll feel this blue for six months, but I'm just taking it slow.  Wanda is helping to distract me.  She's a good kid.

Vaya con Dios, Hayden mi amor.  Te amo, angelita.

Even Sugar Daddies Have Morals, Part 2

July 2008 -- Katie and I had a great time yesterday.  Fantastic, energetic, sweaty, stinky sex.  I could fuck this woman repeatedly and not get bored.  I might not be able to keep up with her, but I'd sure give it a try!

A couple of nights later, DW asleep on the other side of the house and the kids blissfully dreaming in their beds, I hit Katie up for an IM chat.  Lucky for me she was up and online.  I wrote, "Pretty awesome day the other day, hun!  I'm glad I gave you the 'audition!'  You have a lot of energy for a woman of 40." 

Smiley face in response. "I'm actually 43" followed.

Forty-three?  She's older than DW!  And she lied to me!  This actually was a deal-breaker. 

Me: "Why did you lie to me about your age?  Did you think I would have said no?"
Her: "Sorry, just didn't know how you'd respond.  Guess 43 is too old?" 
Me: "Well, it sort of is.  My wife is younger than you, and in my sexual fantasy, I'm with younger women." 
Her: "Did you have a good time with me?" 
Me: "Yeah, but I really can't stand lying.  You could have told me the truth.  I can't be with someone who lies.  What else are you lying to me about?"
Her: "Fine, whatever. I met another guy yesterday, he's taking me to Napa for the weekend, and he fucked me for three hours."
Me: "Well, good luck.  I'm sure you'll wow him with your fake tits, flabby ass, and stinky pussy."  Logged out.

Of course I overreacted.  I didn't need to be so nasty to her, but when she tried to rub it in my face about the other guy's longevity, it seemed like bullshit to me, so I just threw it back at her.  For a second after logging out, since she knew my first and last names, I was afraid that she'd be vindictive and try to expose me.  I waited it out for a day or two, and never heard from her again.  Good riddance.

The irony that lying is a mortal sin in my book is not lost on me.  But there is honor among thieves, and even Sugar Daddies have morals!

Even Sugar Daddies Have Morals, Part 1

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" -- John 8:32

Well, I'm not one to use biblical quotes often, if AT ALL, but I thought this one was appropriate.

Late June-early July 2008 -- The search for a playmate, a mistress, a lover, was proving a little more difficult than I thought it would be.  I guess, when there are over 1,500 women to choose from, I'm going to have to sift through a lot of bad matches before I find someone really good.  My search continued, and I sent out a lot of messages to women on the site.  Most did not respond, and those that did either came right out and asked for my financial offer.  Maybe it's just me, but I'm kind of old school in that I like discussing that aspect of the relationship in person.  If she likes me in person, I can typically get away with a lower investment.  I'm not cheap, mind you, but in 2008, times are really tough and my family needs all the money it can get.  I'm at a new job, and I don't feel totally secure in it, so if I'm going to embark on this adventure, I'm going to be as financially careful as I can. 

Some girls would also contact me.  Most of the time, however, they are either out of area, outside of my investment guidelines, or just not within my search criteria.  But one such message caught my eye, because the face pic of the girl who sent it was pretty cute.  "Katie" lived locally and was an attractive blonde, but she was 40 years old.  My age range was 22-35.  Getting up to 40 was just too high, and I really didn't want any of these women to remind me of DW.  Still, her message was, "I know that you're looking for someone younger, but I don't look my age (and I don't act it either, but that's another story lol).  I think you'd be pleased."  A couple of pictures in the profile did support her statement too.  So I was intrigued.  I messaged back and gave her my IM name so we could chat further.  As with Lina, Katie was also very sexual, and not shy about expressing herself.  She said she liked to fuck for hours and hours and was normally multi-orgasmic.  We had a chat late into the night, and she got me so hot that I had to rub one out while we chatted!  We agreed to meet for lunch at a Mexican place in town, not far from either of our offices.

She was already seated, but she got up to give me a hug.  About 5'6", long straight blonde hair, big eyes, nice tits, curvy.  You could tell she was older, but I wasn't feeling any flab on her body.  Over lunch, we talked about sex a lot, places we'd traveled, experiences we'd had with the Sugar life.  Not much to discuss there, obviously!  I told her that I was intrigued by the possibilities with her, but that I was still looking and not quite ready to make a decision.  However, I added, I could be persuaded if we had sex right after lunch.  I figured, what the hell, she's 40, she seemed game, and she was, technically, not qualified.  She'd have to convince me!  "You mean, like an audition?" she asked.  Exactly, I said.  Pause.  "OK," she said, "I can do that."  We set a time to meet later that afternoon at her apartment, which was really close to the ocean.  I showed up on time.  Her place was old but spacious.  It was a hot day and she had no a/c, so I was immediately sweating.  We got out of our clothes in about 10 minutes.  Kissing, oral, fingering, condom, then off to the races.  This girl had a lot of energy!  While she was on top of me, I noticed the scars on the undersides of her tits.  Not a deal-breaker, but I prefer natural to implants.  After she got off, we switched it up and I took her from behind, standing up, while she bent over her footboard onto the bed.  Once again, I finished in her mouth, and she swallowed.  First time in my life a woman said "Yummy!" after taking my jizz in her mouth.  Weird.

I was completely wiped out, and we were both sweaty and smelly.  That part was awesome.  She wanted more, but I was spent.  The awful truth about getting older is that it takes a lot longer to rev up again for sex (I suppose that's why Viagra sales are so spectacular).  We talked about "the next time," and for once I thought this could be possible.  Cleaned up, dressed, and headed out.  Told her I'd hit her up for a chat in a day or so.

Another girl gives it up for free... I was feeling pretty lucky, and not at all guilty that I could easily have given her some cash.  But something happened later that really raised my hackles...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

No Shows: How to Fight Back (When It Makes Sense)

June 2008 -- After ending things with Anita, I started a new job.  I needed to focus there and get settled before getting back in the game.

A few weeks later, I was ready.  Craigslist was not working though; nearly every ad I responded to was from a "bot."  That's when an adult dating website sends you a phony email from some phony girl, trying to get you to set up a profile, then pay money every month for a membership.  I fucking hate those! 

As fate would have it, I was reading through my daily online read to catch up on the day's news, when I came across an article about the growing phenomenon of "mutually beneficial arrangements."  These were "relationships" between an affluent, older man and a younger woman, whereby the man would invest money to spend time with the woman, for companionship, sex, etc.  The woman would get money for bills, tuition, shopping, whatever.  Basically, the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship.  The article featured the founder of a website that facilitated these types of relationships.  A few clicks and I was on their home page, reading up on how the site worked.  I decided to buy a one-month membership to see what would happen.  One thing I liked about the site was that once the month was up, the membership was rendered inactive.  On every other dating site I saw, the membership fee was automatically charged to your credit card each month until you cancelled.  I'd gladly pay a little extra to make sure that there wouldn't be a recurring charge.

I set up my profile, and started browsing.  Setting up my search criteria revealed that there were over 1,500 active female members to choose from.  Holy shit, I'd hit the jackpot!  After sending a few messages I received a hit back from some of them.  One in particular, I'll call her Lina, was an attractive-looking girl of 25 who lived both in my area and up north.  She was going back and forth between school and a business she'd started up north with a partner, and needed help with expenses.  She drove a convertible (German, better than what I had!) and usually stayed at a pretty posh hotel when in town.  I wasn't sure she'd go for my proposal, which was a pay-to-play arrangement of $400 each time every two weeks.  To my delight, she was completely down for it.

We spent the next several days chatting on IM, and the conversations usually (always!) turned to sex.  What we liked, what got us really turned on, how we would do each other, what was off limits.  She was extremely sexual, open to pretty much anything, and wanted to meet me the next week when she was in town.  Her hotel was about 30 minutes from my office and we set up a time mid-day when I'd text her from the lobby. 

I showed up right on time -- I was always punctual -- and texted her as planned.  No response.  Another text, no response.  I decided to call, as it was now five minutes past the meeting time.  Voice mail.  This went on for 20 minutes.  I was pretty sure she was a no-show.  Now, I don't know about anyone else, but no-shows, for me, are the worst piece of shit thing in the world.  Even now, at my advanced age, a no-show brought up issues from my younger days when girls I'd met in college would stand me up for dates and never call.  Just thinking of it now makes me sweaty and angry!

So here I am, in the lobby of a fancy hotel near the beach, half an hour from my office, with no date.  Ready to write Lina off, I sent her one or two more texts, basically to tell her how fucked up it was for her to stand me up, and that she can now go fuck herself.  I got back in the car and drove back to my office, presumably to finish up my day. 

Not 30 minutes later, I get a text from Lina, apologizing, with lots of exclamation points, for having fallen asleep and not hearing my calls or texts.  She reeeeeallllllyyyyy wanted to see me, and would I consider coming back? 

Normally I would have ignored these texts.  When a girl stands you up, she's dead to you, am I right?  We men have to show these women that we can't be played like that.  But... what if I could turn this to my advantage?  She may be only 25, but she's got a business, drives a Beemer, stays near the beach -- she wants help with her expenses, but she isn't responsible enough.  She'll have to show me why I should reconsider.  So here's how the texts sort of went at this point:

Me: I should say no.
Lina: I feel really bad.  I was just so tired!
Me: You should feel bad :-)
Lina: I knooooooow!  I was really looking forward to seeing you...
Me: hmmmm.  How much?
Lina: I'm really horny.  You'll have a great time!
Me: well... if I come back, this is on you.
Lina: ??
Me: no $$ baby.  This is how you can make it up to me.
Lina: Can you at least bring me something nice?
Me: sure

So I head up the street to the only store nearby and find some $10 trinket to give her.  It actually looks kind of nice so maybe she'll think I spent a little more.  I drove back to the hotel.  She was down in the lobby within a minute of my text this time.  Taller than I'd imagined (heels), very short skirt, colored strawberry blonde hair, a little too much makeup.  Looked like the pictures I remembered.  And definitely doable.  I buy a couple of glasses of champagne and we sit a spell in the outdoor lounge.  It's not yet five o'clock, so there are very few people around.  We talk a little, she touches my arm, my leg.  I lean back in my seat and she takes my drink from my hand and says, "We can finish these upstairs." 

In her room, she tells me she just got some new underwear and wants to show it to me.  Off comes her jacket and skirt, revealing a black bra and black lace panties.  Nice.  She could exercise more, though.  Women her age should look, I dunno, tighter.  Before I can take another sip of my drink, she dives in between my legs, kisses me, and starts unzipping my pants.  My cock is in her mouth... aaaahh, now this is what a real blow job feels like!  We are quickly naked, condom on, lube applied, and fucking.  Very energetic girl, very vocal.  Her tits are a bit on the flabby side... man, I'm so lucky DW has such a great, firm body!

I flip her over and enter her from behind, and I'm loving the slap of my hips on her ass.  I reach around to rub her till she comes.  I pull out for a second and, looking down, notice a little blood on the condom.  "Are you on your period?" I ask.  "No," she laughs, "but I could be early from you fucking me so hard!"  Hah!  She cleans herself up a bit, a little more lube (not really needed by now), and we pound each other some more.  The condom, desensitizing my cock somewhat, lets me go longer and harder than I ever do with DW.  DW never got this wet before and always complains about the rubbing and pounding, even with the lube.  When I'm ready to blow, I pull out, yank off the condom, and tell her to open up.  She gobbles up every drop, and I collapse, drenched with sweat, on the bed next to her.  After a shower and some talk, I'm out the door, heading home.

I know I'll never see her again.  She made it up to me for standing me up, and now I'm ready to try someone else.  I text and IM with her a few times over the next few weeks, but eventually tell her that her travel schedule makes it too hard to plan anything.  While she's upset, she lets it go and we part on good terms.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll look her up again if I can't find anyone.  She'd always be good for a sport fuck! 

So there it is: a no-show doesn't always have to be a disaster, especially if she's apologetic.  Lina liked the little bracelet I bought her; she said it showed that I had a little integrity to take extra time to think of her.  Smart girl, and fortunately pretty chill.  I had more no-shows as the years went by, but never had this luck again, but I always keep that little trump card, just in case.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sharing Personal Life Details with Your Mistress

Mid October 2012

As I said, in chronicling the experiences I've had as a Sugar Daddy, I have to jump back and forth between past and present in order to prevent losing track of what's happening today.  This post is about me and my current mistress, Wanda.  You'll read more about her later, but we've been together twice and so far it's pretty fucking great!

Got a text from Wanda today asking if we were getting together this week.  Yesterday I'd texted her that DW and I had agreed to do a little experiment to spice things up, and have sex every day for a week.  We'd started a few days before, but missed day 2 because we were both exhausted.  The next day she felt sick and then the next day got her period, so we were going to be out of commission for a week anyway and decided to postpone our experiment for a week.  The postponement put our experiment during the week Wanda and I had already scheduled to meet, so that was a problem.  You see, I may be sleeping with other women who are not my wife, but I do have some principles about it.  I have never had sex with my wife and another woman on the same day, or even 24 hours before or after.  So I told Wanda about it and we talked about getting together late this week instead.  Well, I don't have the funds this week until I get another paycheck, but I never tell this to my girlfiends now, do I?

So, I texted her and said I was really neck deep with work (which was true) and that we'd need to push things back two weeks.  She was OK with it, but seemed a little upset.  So I followed up that if the experiment failed, we could see about getting together with short notice.  Smiley face in reply, so all is good!

I consider myself a pretty open book so there's not much I won't share, but I still get a little nervous sharing details of my marriage with my girlfriends.  Some of them have told me not to discuss such things with them; others have been more friendly and share the details of their lives with me.  I'm ambivalent, I guess, so I suppose I'll let my girlfriends set that boundary.

The Journey Begins -- And Rule #1

Mid May, 2008 -- Today is the first day I'm meeting someone as a Sugar Daddy.  It's been two months since DW suggested that I should find a girlfriend for sex.  She withdrew her suggestion, but that's not stopping me.

A week ago, I was browsing Casual Encounters ads on Craigslist and came across one looking for a Sugar Daddy.  Well, hello!  I answered the ad right away (as one must always do with CL ads) and, to my great surprise, discovered that there was an actual person on the other end.  Most CL ads in this category turn out to be phony ads placed by adult dating websites looking for new members.  Sometimes the ad will be from an escort, but they have their own section and don't often cross the line.

Her name is Anita, and is a tall blonde in her mid-twenties.  We meet for lunch at a very divey bar in town and start with small talk.  She lives with four other men in a big house.  Damn, she can't host, which means hotels are required.  She is reluctant to engage with a married man, or with any man for that matter, as she has a boyfriend she sees regularly.  It's nothing serious, she assures me, but she does have some reservations.  She really needs money for expenses, as the recession has hit her income hard, which is way down.  We agree on twice monthly meetings, with an allowance on a per-meeting basis, and agree we should get started right then and there.  We pick a hotel a little off the beaten path and agree to meet in 90 minutes.  On the way, I get my cash and condoms.

I arrive at the hotel first and check in.  I'm about 30 minutes early, which gives me time to clean up and relax. She shows up in a different outfit, looks very hot.  She's about 5'8" with long blonde hair and great legs.  Tits look natural, but I can't tell until she's naked.

After a little talking to break the ice, we start making out.  Good kisser, OK!  Off to a good start.  She gets me naked and remarks that I have the biggest cock she's ever seen (I told you I was blessed!).  She gets over her shock and goes down on me like a champ, easily as good as the professionals I'd seen before.  I reciprocate and give her an orgasm.  Now it's time to fuck, so we unwrap one of the three condoms I brought.  And here is where the first lesson begins.  If you're using condoms, I don't care how wet she gets, use lubricant on both of you.  Latex dries out.  I recommend AstroGlide.  But, unfortunately, I did not know this at the time, so we tried to go without.  Definitely made a big difference.  She was not super-wet, so it rubbed her a little because I was so big.  While she was riding me (my favorite position) I felt the condom break.  Immediate stop to replace it, then started up again.  I admit I was a little nervous and could not come; neither could she.  I asked her if she'd get me off orally, which she agreed to do.  I washed the latex smell off me and came back.  She gave me a rousing orgasm and I finished in her mouth.  A swallower, yes!

A little more small talk, and then it was time to go.  The cash was laid out on the side table and I didn't even mention it being there.  Lesson #2: your girlfriend/mistress will not appreciate a direct hand-off of the money so figure out gentlemanly ways to deliver it.  Since I like dealing with cash, I always place it in a white envelope or in a card, and then slip it into her purse when she's freshening up or otherwise out of the room.  Once, I placed it inside the brown paper bag that held the wine I'd brought, and my girl actually threw it out by mistake (she found it though).  I don't go for electronic transfers because I like the reminder that there is a trade going on.

We leave the room separately, her with these big sunglasses on.  I go to check out, which was lesson #3 for me: Never check out directly at the desk two hours after you check in.  Today's hotels do everything prepaid.  If you leave the room in the same shape it was in when you got there (except for trash and used towels), there are no incidentals and they automatically check you out at noon the next day.  Just leave the room key in the room and never look back.  By checking out, I got a dirty look from the desk clerk.  Well, probably won't be coming back here now!  I ran into Anita on my way to the car, and she pretended not to know me, just walked on by.  Good, and not so good.  I like that she can be discreet, but no one was around and she could have said "Bye."  But not a word; she was already on her cell phone getting messages.

Then, the weirdest thing happened.  The next day, I felt guilty.  Like I'd done something really wrong, and thought I'd be caught any minute and my marriage would be over.  Got through it and survived that day, but still felt bad the day after that.  I broke it off with Anita the next day.  Needless to say, she was pissed at me.  I can't blame her.  When a man makes even the smallest commitment, his woman expects him to honor it.  I backed out like a little coward.  I left no trail for DW to see, as I had my own checking account, my own savings account, and my own credit card which she never looked at.  Still, now I felt doubly bad.  I sat with it for a little while and reconsidered my decision to enter this lifestyle.  Ultimately, so long as I was discreet and was able to select women who could be discreet, and so long as I selected rendezvous locations that were nowhere near where I lived or worked, I could reasonably expect that I would not be caught. This, as it turned out, was my first solid rule surrounding the Sugar lifestyle.  Anita, I'd decided, was too close to home and work, so it was just as well that I ended it.

RULE #1: Keep your Sugar activity far enough away from home and/or work so that you run minimal risk of being spotted by family, friends, or colleagues.

Guilt trip over, I started looking again.  More on that later...

Why Did I Become a Sugar Daddy? Part Two

This is the second post of two.  The previous post covered some pathology into my mind set that, to me, justifies my choice.  In this post I will chronicle many of the events that led up to my deciding to become a Sugar Daddy (a quick aside: I actually really dislike the term "Sugar Daddy."  It has connotations that, I believe, demean both people involved in the arrangement.  I also despise the term "Sugar Baby," so I'll rarely use it, if at all.  I'll instead use "girlfriend," "mistress," or "lover.").  As I wrote in my first post, I didn't make this decision in a random, spur of the moment way.  The events I'll cover here take place over many years.  In some ways, I see my whole life as lead-up to this decision, but this isn't an autobiography, so I'll stick to what was essential.

My wife and I have been married a long time.  It is my second marriage.  My first one produced no children.  The divorce devastated me, and it took me over a year and a half before I felt normal and ready to date again.  In a nutshell, my first wife and I were too young and immature to have gotten married.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize our mistake until we'd gotten pretty deep into setting down roots, so it was very painful for me.  I was not faithful during that marriage.  She had been only the sixth girl I'd had sex with, and was the first girl to tell me she loved me.  Somewhere inside, I realized I had not gotten all my youthful sexual experiences out of my system, so I consciously decided to play around a bit.  I like to say about that time, if I wasn't cheating, I was trying to cheat, so it was basically all the same to me.  And yet, I still loved her and wanted a long life together.  When she decided once and for all she didn't want kids, that basically ended things for us.  Within a week of our separation, however, I was hooking up again.  In the 18 months following our break-up, I had 12 different partners, none of them lasting more than a couple of months, and none of them with any potential to be more than even a fuck-buddy.  Looking to get laid had become an avocation of sorts.  It was something I'd never really done when I was younger, so in my 30s, I took a step back in time to relive my youth.  There were some abysmal failures in that time, but I had some amazing experiences.  My first time with anal sex.  My first girlfriend who squirted during sex.  Midnight booty calls.  Interracial sex.  And one of the scariest -- a gorgeous ex-model who had just gotten sober from drugs and alcohol.  We met through a personal ad and instantly hooked up.  She turned my life upside down, and it was then when I thought that perhaps I might be addicted to sex, because she was all kinds of wrong for me and I knew it, but didn't care.  A trusted friend who was in the program didn't hesitate to tell me I was an addict, and he got me to commit to going to a meeting.  As I wrote previously, I felt that I belonged there, but over time grew to doubt that.  Soon after joining the program, I started dating a great girl I'll call J, but I knew that she and I would not last.  Because the ex-model and I had unprotected sex and because she starting using again while we were dating, I abstained from intercourse for six months when I could get tested and know I was clean.  Once J and I started having sex, though, I had already sort of moved on to another woman.  Because I wanted to be monogamous, I broke it off with J.  The second girl lasted literally a day or two longer.  I then began a celibacy period, during which I decided that I would focus on my career, become self-sufficient, and then emerge ready to date again.  Only this time, I would only date women who I thought had the potential to be a serious girlfriend or even a wife.  That process lasted about six months.  Six months after that, I met the woman who would become my second wife.  For this blog, I'll give her the initials DW, which stands for Darling Wife.

DW and I dated for only a few months before we decided we were in love and that we wanted the same things: nice house, kids, a small-town lifestyle, but lots of income.  We were soon engaged; a year later we were married.  The whole dating, courtship, and lead-up to the marriage was a magical time for both of us, but for me it was especially meaningful.  After a failed marriage and a period of wild dating and sexuality, it felt great to be wanted, desired, and respected by a mature woman.

Initially, DW and I had a fantastic sex life.  She was game for nearly everything, but she had her limits.  I noticed that her skills, particularly with oral sex, were somewhat lacking.  I would try to coach her, but I loved her so much I basically overlooked it and focused on all the other great sex we were having.  When we got married, we started immediately trying to conceive children and were blessed after a couple of years.  During this time, however, our sex life changed.  While we were having sex all the time, now it had purpose.  It wasn't just for fun anymore.  It was Serious Sex.  She also stopped giving me blow jobs.  I can actually remember the exact day she gave me my last blow job; it's been over 10 years since then.

When our first child was born, I could no longer touch, kiss, or pretty much even look at her beautiful breasts.  They were no longer erogenous zones; they were food for the baby.  A band from the '70s called Sparks had a song about this very subject, called, aptly, "Tits."  The chorus went:
For months, for years
Tits were once a source of fun and games at home
And now, she says
Tits are only there to feed our little Joe, so that he'll grow.
Such was my life.  Also, things that used to turn her on during sex now repulsed her, so they were now off limits.  Within a few short years, the quality of our sex life had deteriorated to the point where only a few things were permitted in bed.

Don't think for a minute that I didn't bring this up with her all the time.  But stress over money, home ownership, parenthood, and whatever else had changed her into a different person, it seemed.  And her interest in being sexual had simply vanished.  I grew more and more dissatisfied and began to resent her for changing, but in truth, I let all of this happen.  I compromised a core element of my masculinity in order to avoid compromising the relationship I was in.   In so doing, I let DW know that I could be controlled and made to fear her.

After our next child was born, things got even worse.  The child was, nearly from the beginning, a very difficult baby, and to this day continues to present numerous challenges for both DW and me.  With the second child's third birthday, came my getting laid off after many years on the job and the loss of my multiple six-figure income.  The stress was just too great for DW, and she basically shut down emotionally.  Sexually, of course, it was a period of non-activity.  In truth, we had only been having sex a couple of times a month, but several months now had passed without her even expressing herself physically.  I had never complained about when we had sex.  I always see that as her exclusive realm.  But for me, the deal was that if she got to say when we had sex, I had to have control over what we did once she said yes.  And, as I had written above, I let that get away from me.

One night we were lying in bed, and I said, "Honey, you know I don't complain about this, but it's been a really long time since we've had sex."  After a sigh, she replied, "Yeah, I know."  "Don't you miss it?" I asked.  Her answer was something that I'll never forget: "Porter, I would be fine if I never had sex again for the rest of my life."

Now, as I write this, I can see where her response might seem out of left field, but it wasn't.  I had seen it coming to this point years before.  Finding her unwilling to confront our deteriorating sex life, I started viewing pornography more often and would always masturbate watching these videos.  I discovered the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist.  I'd read all the ads from women seeking men for hookups, and I wondered if I could ever do that.  I also read ads in the "Erotic Services" section.  I wasn't keen on escorts, but the pictures were pretty good most of the time.  It was during this time that I'd decided to again become responsible for my sexual fulfillment.

On a business trip one year, I hooked up with an escort.  She had absolutely the smoothest skin I'd ever felt.  I loved the way she felt as I was fucking her.  It did annoy me a little that she wouldn't let go of the base of my cock while I was inside her.  She said she did that to make sure the condom stayed on.  After getting back home, I paid attention to my actions to see if this one-time adventure would have any detrimental effect on how I showed up at home.  It didn't.

The next year I did it again, this time with an Asian escort.  She was heavier and smelled a bit unclean, so I didn't enjoy it so much.  But what I discovered about myself was that I could do this and not upset my life at home.  I didn't go on the business trip the next year, but I found a local brothel where I could have my pick of some pretty cute Asian girls.  It was a great way to end my work day and then head home to be with my family.

Back now in my bedroom, where I'd just heard DW tell me she was no longer interested in sex.  Not being the type to engage in an argument with her, I took a second and then asked, "Well, what would you like me to do with that information?"  Another sigh, then: "I know you've been unhappy for a long time.  Maybe you could just find a girl to have sex with."

Now, this was a bit out of left field.  My DW, who had never before shown any inclination toward an alternate sexual lifestyle, was now suggesting what sounded like an open marriage.  However, I was curious: did her suggestion come off-the-cuff, or had she been thinking about this?  I decided I needed more information.  "OK," I said, "but ... how do you see that working?"  If her answer seemed well-thought out, then I'd know she'd been considering open marriage for some time; if she struggled to answer, she was just thinking out loud.

She then proceeded to lay out a few absurd rules.  Given that I'd become tired of her controlling every aspect of my sex life at this point, I saw them as nothing more than a further attempt to control me.  I knew that even though she was serious about this, she wanted to make sure I didn't enjoy myself.  I then said, "Well, those rules don't really work for me, babe.  How about we just keep it 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell?'"  I knew she wouldn't go for that, but I wanted her to see that I was completely rejecting her rules.  "Nope. That won't work for me.  It was a terrible idea.  Forget I ever brought it up."

But the toothpaste was now out of the tube. No way to get it back in.  While I didn't press the matter, I knew that her suggestion was the solution.  Open marriage would allow me to explore my sexuality without the ramifications of cheating on my wife.  Since she was unwilling to discuss it any further, however, I saw my only option as pretending that she had agreed to it and trying it out, according to my rule -- DADT.

So now you have the full story of my journey from sexually frustrated husband to deciding to become a sexually fulfilled Sugar Daddy.  More will be revealed in the posts to come, as I recount my history from this point to today, while also journaling my current exploits. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Why Did I Become a Sugar Daddy? Part One

After more than four years in this lifestyle, the question of "why?" frequently enters my mind.  The subtexts to this question are obvious, right?  "You're married but you hate your sex life, so why don't you just get a divorce?" "You want to have your cake and eat it too; aren't you just a low down dirty dog?!" "You're a sex addict and you need help.  Don't you feel like shit about yourself?"  In all honesty, every one of these questions is valid.  I'll try to answer them.

Divorce?  Well, this just isn't an option for me, and I hope it won't ever be.  I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my wife, and am still wildly attracted to her.  She may be in her forties, but she takes great care of herself and is simply the most beautiful woman I've ever known.  I get instantly hard when we snuggle close in bed (often, much to her dismay).  I meant it when I committed to being her husband for the rest of my life.  But, life has a funny way of testing one's resolve to honor that commitment, and it doesn't always look like the fairy tales, the Bible, movies, or TV.  When we had children, I instinctively knew that my family was the most important thing in my life and I would fight to preserve it for as long as I had a fight in me.  And yes, I have no love for my sex life with my wife.  It's boring, dispassionate, and uninspiring.  At first I wanted to blame her, but over time I realized that perhaps I did not see the complete woman in front of me when we first said "I do."  I'll get more into that later.  As counter-intuitive as it might seem, becoming a Sugar Daddy was, for me, the best way for me at the time to save my marriage.

Have my cake and eat it too/dirty dog?  Short answer: no, I'm not looking to have the best of both worlds, and I'm not a low-down dirty dog at all.  However, I do want what's best for me, and after thinking about it and getting to know myself through years of psychotherapy and self-work, I know that what I'm doing is what's best for me.  I'm a very sexual man, and I deserve a thrilling, rewarding, fulfilling, satisfying sex life.  It is a pillar of who I am as a man, and I will never compromise that for any reason.  I am also married to a woman with whom I'm completely incompatible on a sexual level.  This was a discovery arrived at over years of being together, and I believe it's not an irreversible situation for either of us.  These two truths work at odds, but somehow, for my own sanity and the survival of my marriage and family, for now I have to balance them equally.

Sex addict/feel like shit?  There was a time I thought I was a sex addict.  I even explored recovery. But, after seeing the progress I'd made and watching most of the others I knew in recovery continue to wallow in their shit, I left the program.  If I'd been an addict, my life would then have slowly (or quickly) and surely become unmanageable.  Many years later, and I'm still intact.  In fact, in some ways I've experienced more success and more joy in my life since leaving.  This is not a characteristic of an out-of-control addict.  I have a rich spiritual life and belong to a thriving worship community.  I recognize some of my little sexual compulsions, and have the intelligence to step back from them when they pop up.  In other words, I have power over my sexuality, whereas a sex addict would be powerless.   So, no, I'm not a sex addict.  I never was.  I had, at one time, a very unhealthy view of my own sexuality, and was ill-equipped to handle it in any context, let alone in a relationship with a woman.  The program did help me see that about myself, and for that I will always be grateful for that time.

So, there's some pathology for you.  The next part will cover the lead-up to my decision to become a Sugar Daddy.

Welcome to West Coast Sugar Daddy Journal!

Hi there, and thank you for visiting my blog site.  My name is Porter Edwards (not my real name, of course!) and I live in Southern California.  I'm married with a family, and work with money.  Because of the subject matter I'm writing about, this is as specific as I'll get about who I am, but I'll do my best to preserve the integrity of my stories so that you'll get a workable understanding of who I am.

About four years ago I decided to become a Sugar Daddy.  This wasn't a random decision; in fact, it had been building for quite some time and came about only after much deliberation.  This blog will chronicle my ongoing experiences in this lifestyle, but before I get to that point, I have to re-create my history.  I'm blessed with a pretty good memory (among other attributes, as you'll read!) so the detail will be pretty rich.  All the women I've met and/or slept with will likewise be protected with pseudonyms, initials, or just changed names.  It's one common thread in this sub-culture: most people don't use their real names until a valid trusting relationship exists.

This blog will serve two purposes for me.  First, I'll get to talk about a part of my life that virtually none of my friends or family know about.  It's a bit of a turn on to write about these events in my life.  I'm also not shy about using XXX language to describe my exploits, so I hope you manage to get some of the excitement I felt during the moments of intimacy I've had.  Second, it'll also serve as a confessional of sorts.  I'm a married man having sex with younger, single women.  I know that my actions and decisions have implications in my real life, so I wanted to put these experiences out there to, in a way, let them go and be at peace with them.

If there's one caveat I have for you as a reader, it's this: I can be long-winded, so I'll try to keep my posts shorter by spreading my experiences or thoughts/ideas out over multiple posts if need be.

Finally, I hope that this blog serves as a springboard for your thoughts, experiences, and ideas as well.  I love to communicate and learn a lot from other people.  Don't be shy to rip me a new one if you think I've offended you, and don't hold back if you've got a juicy story of your own to share (I love tales of the "sugar" life!).

Again, thanks for finding me, and good night for now.