Monday, December 30, 2013

The Year In Review, Sugar Style

A year ago, I wrote this post about seeing Hayden's Facebook page, and remarked that I'd have to exit the Sugar Daddy life to get over her.  Obviously, I still maintain an active Sugar Daddy life, with a great Sugar Baby in Jade.  I'm seeing her this week, in fact, and can't wait.  I haven't had any sex since last seeing her, so I'm itching to be naked with her.

This past year brought me many blessings: I found Jade, finally created closure with Hayden, eased reluctantly into another year of life, started a new job with great potential, had a great detour with Sam, and had a peaceful holiday with my family.  DW and I, although we have serious moments of friction, get along better now than at the start of the year, and I'm coming to a decision this year about where I want to go with this marriage.  The Dancer reached out to me after a huge nightmare nearly two years ago, and she'll be of great use in my writing.

Best of all, I feel very completely over the pain I felt with Hayden.  Because she figures so prominently in my writing, however, I revisit that pain to get in touch with it, but this is voluntarily on my part, whereas before I would be assaulted by my emotion without warning at the beginning of the year. 

I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions, but if I were, I'd resolve to exorcise Hayden from my life for good.  I believe that once my first draft is done, this will happen almost 100%.  I'm hoping that a chat with The Dancer will help me along those lines.  Also, I'd resolve my marriage issues, either by ending it or recommitting to it.  Actually, this is one I'm going to see through.  Either way, it won't end my sugar activities.

Having experienced what I did in 2012 around the end of my relationship with Hayden, it has become clear to me that women (and quite likely men) her age simply do not understand that one can love another person fully without wanting a romantic attachment.  I'm speaking in general, of course; there are always exceptions to this rule, but until one has loved and lost a few times in one's life, one cannot fully appreciate the many different ways that love can appear between two people.  I loved Hayden completely, still do, and always will, in ways similar to the way I still and always will love my first wife.  At three years, my relationship with Hayden was longer than any of my dating relationships.  Being with her changed my life, helped me discover who I am sexually, and how I want to show up in long-term relationships from this point forward.  I felt sexy, masculine, and desirable when I was with her, and I felt accepted and respected by her.  Plus, she was absolutely my sexual soulmate.

There is also very little doubt in my mind that she loved me too, although I don't think she would ever admit it.  The only doubt I have around this is because she could have lied throughout our relationship, as Wanda suggested, to keep me interested and giving her money.  I thought about this for a long time afterward, and I think it's partially true, particularly at the end of the relationship.  Hayden needed my money, and so long as I thought she cared about me, I'd keep giving it to her, and she knew that.  But the money was never so plentiful that she couldn't have turned around and found someone else with more money and less emotional attachment to her.  She stuck with me for more than the money and the sex.  She knew I loved her, and she felt it constantly.  She knew I would do anything I could for her, and frequently asked if I could.  I think her immature and cold behavior toward the end was probably attributable to guilt she likely felt about continuing to sleep with me when she loved her BF and knew he was her future.  Spending an hour with me at the end to let me know that she appreciated what I did for her, and acknowledging that she let her feelings get away from her for a time, and respectfully explaining to me what she needed from me in order to help her move ahead in her life, would have prevented so much of my pain.  But an immature woman who couldn't understand the power of love would never have done that.  And so in this year I had to let her go.  Next year, I believe, I'll be able to thank her for doing it the way she did it (gave me a great story, right?).

Friday, December 27, 2013

Networking ... the Ties That Bind

The Dancer, whom you will remember from our two encounters here and here, reached out to me several weeks ago on LinkedIn.  I don't recall ever giving her my full name, but I'm sure she was able to find me in some way.  We are now connected.

I decided to reach back and ask if she were open to letting me interview her for a writing project I'm beginning.  It took a week or two, but she did respond that she would be available.  Funny thing was, she felt it necessary to re-introduce herself to me, writing, "We met through a mutual friend, Hayden."  Apparently she connected with me because she wants me to "like" her new app.  She has been trying to break into the sugar dating business for years, but her previous venture was not successful as it had been already started by a dominant competitor in the market.  Curious to see what she has going for her now.  Of course, if it's a Facebook page for this app, I can't "like" it without that going on my News Feed, which means that everyone I know would see that I "liked" a sugar dating web page.  Uh-uh.

In any event, when I was looking at her LinkedIn profile, I noticed she was also connected both to Hayden and Hayden's boyfriend.  That puts me, I think, a little too close to the happy couple, not only for their comfort, but for mine.  I'm content to lurk and read her Twitter feed and see what's going on (by the way, not much). So, after I meet The Dancer for this interview, I'll disconnect from her.

If I do get a chance to interview her, however, it'll give me a chance to tell my side of the story to someone who is very close to Hayden. Would love to hear her perspective on it.  If she echoes what Wanda said earlier this year, then I suppose I'll have some new reflections to post.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Holiday Reflections

Feeling weird today.  I woke up not wanting to be married anymore, and anxious as hell about how to accomplish that goal as quickly as possible.  As I took my walk this morning with my dog, I kept thinking about how I'd approach being single as a man who is a few years past his prime.

If I get divorced from DW, I will never get married again.  Absolutely not. For one, my earnings will be going to spousal and child support for years to come, and I don't want to support a second household for anyone but myself.  A new wife would be a huge burden financially.  So I'll content myself to being in a series of short-term recreational relationships of varying lengths, and if I find someone with whom I'd care to settle down, it will have to be with someone who doesn't care to get married, who doesn't want kids (or more kids), and who doesn't really need my money.  Which leads me to another point about money: as someone who became a father later in life, I want my kids to have everything I am able to save up when I die.  I don't want there to be an intermediary, such as a new wife, to stand in the way of their inheritance.

Also, if I get divorced, I will never be monogamous again.  I might settle for serial monogamy, but that means I leave once I get bored, and those endings are always full of drama.  Better to be open from the beginning that I like variety, I don't believe in monogamy as a statement of commitment, and invite her to explore that with me.  If she doesn't, and I like her enough, I might compromise for a time, but not permanently.  If one woman becomes special enough to be a long-term partner, we will have had to agree on non-monogamy or there's no relationship. 

I thought of Jade and the fact that we haven't seen each other in more than a month.  I miss her body, and sort of miss her company, but not enough to feel like I'm missing all that much.  I get enough out of that arrangement from the sex alone.  Would I want to date her if I were single?  Yeah, I think I would, but just to see how things would go.  She's too young for me.  I know men in my life who are in their 60s, and they date women in their 50s or higher.  Someday, I'll be that age, and if I'm still married to DW, she'll be in that age range and I'll consider her as gorgeous then as much as I do now, but the idea of getting naked with a woman that age while my mind still thinks I'm in my 30s just doesn't appeal to me!

This whole scenario also got me thinking about Sam as well.  Why would it be wrong of me to see both her and Jade, having one or the other available to me when I want?  First, it would cost me a lot more, and I'm not there yet financially.  Secondly, I think I'd get lost in too many compartmentalized lives.  It made me think that I'd eventually have to force the issue with DW that I want to have an open relationship and try it out.  But that's insane thinking; she'd never agree to it, so I'd have to either do it in secret, or do it in the open without her blessing.  Secret would be better, but I'd continue to be bothered by compartmentalizing my life. 

One day this will all be sorted out.  I just hope it isn't after I've ruined my marriage and alienated my kids and all my friends. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays to all of my readers!  More Sugar Daddy stuff to come in 2014!

Jade is heading out of town for the holidays, as she hasn't had a Christmas in four years.  Further, she kicked her roommate out and now she's living on her own.  Hotel-free?  Not sure.

In other news, Hayden is still not engaged.  Kind of surprised.  Maybe there's a New Year's surprise coming?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The December Freeze

No, on the West Coast we don't freeze, but we do get cold every so often.

In my career as a Sugar Daddy, December has tended to be a slow period for time with my girl or girls.  If you've read my blog from the beginning, you'll recall how one particular December brought a crushing, epic failure.  This "freeze" refers to the choice I have made since then to minimize my sugar activity during the holidays.  Things will heat up again in January, as they did so memorably two years ago.

This month, I am, thankfully, extremely busy in my work.  The stage is set for me to make far more money in 2014 than in either of the previous two years.  On top of that, there are upcoming events with DW that require my attention, helping my older child study for final exams, and dealing with a lengthy winter sports season for my younger child, that will take us all over this state.

Jade and I have been chatting with each other over text, and the discussions have been warm.  We tried to make time this week, but I got derailed with a family matter and had to postpone.  Our much-anticipated date comes next week, and I'll fill you in when that occurs. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

She Said All the Right Things

Jade could not speak with me last week upon her return, as her cell service at home was spotty.  But we texted at length:
Me: You laid some heavy shit on me last week and I'm wondering if/how it got resolved.
Her: Everything's resolves [sic].  The mercury retrograde is over. LOL... no, but in all seriousness, I had an epiphany while I was away and I realized how very lucky I was in life and I should stop bitching.  I mean, I get to do my dream job and I'm sooo close to greatness. I need to shut the fuck up and be grateful for what I have and how far I've come. And I have u to thank for helping me stay afloat so thank u and I love u sooo much for caring about me
Me: Nice realization.  But, he hit you, and then you vacationed with him.  I'm just curious about the choice.
Her: Yeah...he owed me a vacation.  I wasn't about to turn down that... if he can't fuck me, he may as well take me away.  Besides we had a very long talk about how much we care [about] and love each other but probably better to be best friends and working buddies
Me: That sounds like a very reasonable decision :-) So there was no sex on this trip?
Her: We had sex once.  Yeah.  Not gonna lie
Me: Again, it's a curious choice.  I don't know if I could have allowed myself to be that vulnerable with a person who perpetrated an act of violence against me.  Unless, of course, you were exaggerating when you told me.
Her: Oh, don't be mistaken... I beat the shit out of him too.  It wasn't like poor little me getting slapped.  I attacked him like a pitbull with rabies. LOL  And smashed his phone in a million little itty bitty pieces ;-D  That was the most passion in our relationship in awhile.  LOL (I'm so sick in the head, I know!!)
Me: Either I wasn't listening the other day, or you never mentioned that to me.  I'm just trying to know you better, J.  And to find where I fit in in your life.
Her: No I def told u
Me: I remember you saying you fought back, but not that you broke his phone.
Her: I'll talk to u more about it another time.  I'm in a really good frame of mind, which is rare and I don't wanna re-hash this anymore.
Me: You and I will need to have a long talk too ;-)  How about a real, honest-to-goodness date next week?  I buy you dinner and we talk and get real.
Her: I would LOVE that :)
Unfortunately, this week she has the flu, so we'll put that off until next week.  She said everything right, and she's back in my good graces.  But we'll see how her actions match her words.

Sugar Daddies need honesty too.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Fed Up With Jade and Her Bullshit

When I decided to become a Sugar Daddy more than five years ago, my objective was to find one attractive Sugar Baby who would be a willing and regular sexual partner.  I wanted a sexual outlet to explore aspects of who I was because I was not finding that at home with DW.  It was simple to find this in exchange for giving financial support.

At first, I had pretty good luck with CC. From there, I moved on to Hayden, with a stop in the middle with Dale.  After Hayden, I hung out with Wanda for a few months, then moved onto Jade, then Sam, and then back to Jade again.  During this journey, particularly with Hayden, I realized how important it was to bring intimacy into the arrangement.  In other words, to make it more like a relationship.

In getting back together with Jade, it was because I sense with her that she was more willing to be open with me about getting really intimate.  She'd opened her heart to me numerous times and we loved each other.  Again, I want to emphasize that, at least for now, my loving Jade is not about replacing DW with her.  This is about feeling love for another human being because love is simply the greatest thing there is between two people.

My last date with Jade was a great one, and it was full of intimacy.  She shared some horrific stuff with me that had recently occurred with her live-in BF/roommate.  From what I could understand she was going to be done with him shortly.  I did express reservations about her moving out, or them not living together, since she had a financial dependence and a professional relationship with him.  I wrote that I expected her, in the coming months, to rationalize why she was staying with him.

Our date took place on a Monday afternoon.  We usually meet on Wednesdays, but couldn't last week because she was leaving on Wednesday for a vacation.  She would be gone five days, and she returned just last night.  A couple of days after she left, I decided to go onto her Facebook page to see if she was posting any pictures.  She hadn't told me where she was going or with whom, and I didn't ask, but there was no harm in seeing this.  Or so I thought...

When I typed her name into the Facebook search bar and clicked on the image of her profile, Facebook zapped a "Page Not Found" message on my screen.  Hmm.  This meant one of two things: she was blocking me, or she took down her profile.  I presumed that she would not take it down, since she was pretty active on the site.  So she was blocking me.  Not the first time that has happened, as Hayden blocked me temporarily at one point.  I wasn't going to make a big deal out of this, and I'd get answers once she came back.

During her trip, she sent me a couple of emails (texting wasn't an option since she was out of the country) that she was having a great time, feeling refreshed, and couldn't wait to see me again.  I would have expected something like this, since she loved me, missed me, and wanted something deeper with me.

Jade returned last night.  This morning, before I left the house, I again checked Facebook and saw that I was still blocked.  Very curious now, I went to DW's computer, opened her Facebook page, and typed Jade's name into the search bar. I was able to find her profile in the search results, and when I clicked on it, up came her page.  She had posted about a dozen or so pictures from her trip already.  And then I saw him...

Jade had gone on this trip with her live-in BF, and they were smiling and carrying on as though nothing had happened.  On one of her pictures he had posted a reply, "The most beautiful woman in the land."  I even took a picture of that page so I could show it to Jade.

What the fuck was this anyway?  The guy hits her, and two days after she tells me about it and that she's done with him, they're traveling together having a great time?  As I've said numerous times, once a Sugar Baby has an intimate relationship with someone else, I'm done.  Traveling with someone who had just perpetrated an act of violence on you is pretty much an example of not only an intimate relationship, but an extremely dysfunctional one.  I truly don't need this in my life.  At all.

Today I'm going to tell Jade what I know, listen for her response, and calmly inform her that if she insists on an intimate relationship with this other man, then she can't have me or my money anymore.

For me, the lesson is that I must get better at keeping my emotions in check. These women want nothing intimate.  Also, sexual chemistry is not the same thing as intimacy.  If I can keep that in mind when searching for a Sugar Baby, I'll be better off. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Am I Just Getting Too Old for this Shit?

I woke up in a fair place today.  Not great, not even good, but not shitty.  Just meh. 

I wondered why.  DW and I didn't have any fights last night, and we got the kids to bed pretty painlessly, giving DW and I some time just to veg out and watch some TV.  I had a restful sleep, and I woke up at the normal time.  But, something was off.

During my morning read I came across an article recommended by a young friend.  It was one of those list stories, the kind that are trendy right now instead of in-depth reading.  The list was "The 100 Things that Every 20-something Needs to Realize."  In going down the list, I couldn't believe that the writer believed that every 20-something didn't already realize these things.  For example: "If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months."  Aside from the awkwardness of the writing -- one pushes out a baby, and doctors pull them out -- this is of course true.  But I learned this in my teens, during health class.  When I was in high school, my friends and I didn't bother with condoms because a) there was no AIDS, and b) all girls got The Pill from their mothers.  But those who fucked up and had unprotected sex with a girl who was not on birth control sometimes became dads, or had to pony up for an abortion.  So why do 20-somethings need to realize this?  Shouldn't they get this now?

Another example: "Being smarter does make you the better person." Again, duh!  I suppose that, because I was smarter than a lot of people I knew, I realized this early.  And it's never too late to become smarter.  But what were those four years of college for?  Just to party and make friends and get laid?  If that's all there is to college, then my parents could have spent their money in much more productive ways than to send me to school.  I studied hard and I worked hard.  And now I make a decent living, and I have a wife and family and a great community, and I surround myself with pretty smart friends.  I have a good heart, I care for my fellow man, and I give.  I always have, even when I was in my 20s.  How is this shit not self-evident?

Then, after that, there was a link at the bottom of that story called "What Are You Doing Here? The 10 Signs You're Too Old to be in the Club."  Now that one pissed me off, not because it wasn't true, but because it was. "You’re actually financially stable enough to save the bottle girl," read one of the signs.  This hit home big time for me as a Sugar Daddy.  "If you find yourself financially capable of saving the bottle girl from her job and can keep her living comfortably, then you shouldn't be in the club.  Go find yourself a wife and start a family."  Fuck...

Now I had reason to be just fair in my mood.

The Way Forward -- Sincerity

Jade showed up at the hotel 20 minutes late, not surprisingly.  She smelled of cigarettes, so apparently she was smoking again.  Things never go as I plan them!

We kissed, and she tried to get caught up with me before we got sexual.  I was having none of it.  We got naked and started playing right away.  I got a fantastic BJ, longer than usual, which thrilled me.  I didn't get to go down on her, but from what I gather, she's not a big fan of it.

Within 30 seconds of my entering her, she had her first orgasm.  Sighing with relief, she said, "OK, now we can make love!"  We slowly played some more, but the temptation to go faster gnawed at me.  I didn't want to go slow!  She came two or three times more.

While in her favorite position, spooning, she whispered, "I want you to come in my mouth."  I wasn't quite ready to climax, so we kept fucking some more.  Even though it's not face to face, there is something highly intimate about the spooning position.  I get to hold her close to me, I get to hold and squeeze and caress her breasts, I get to run both my hands all over her body, and I get to kiss her shoulders and arms (my favorite).  Best of all, I get to feel her sweet round ass against my hips while I savor the warmth of being inside her.  Sweet ecstacy!  "I wish I could come inside you," I said.  "Do it," she urged, "come inside me.  I don't care!"  "No...," I said through a smile, "I can't do that." "Do it."  "You're not thinking, baby," I said. "It's OK, I'll pull out now."  She took me in her mouth, but I could tell that she didn't really enjoy that right after I'd been inside her.  Her own taste, apparently, was not to her liking! 

She started stroking me again, harder and harder, but for some reason I wasn't getting closer.  So, I took over, because, well, who better than me to make myself come?  As I got closer, I pulled her closer with my other hand so that my jizz would go all over her chest and breasts.  Glorious! 

We cleaned up and chatted for another hour.  The news about her live in boyfriend was not good.  Apparently they'd had a huge fight and he slapped her across the face a couple of nights before.  she said that she'd been baiting him by telling him how small his penis was and that she was cheating on him with a guy with a "huge cock" who knows how to use it (that would be me).  "I broke up with him," she said.  I couldn't imagine an outcome more obvious, but there's a reason why I bring it up now.  Even though they live together, there are two bedrooms in the apartment and she occupies one and he the other.  So, I learned that they are not quite in a relationship.  They're roommates!  A far less-serious arrangement. After the slapping, she disappeared into the shower and he tried to follow her, taking out his dick and stroking it as if to show her he was now ready for sex.  Pathetic.

But, see, the thing is, she didn't sleep with him again, and probably won't, but she can't move out because she can't afford her own place and doesn't want to move in with roommates again.  She says that he'll eventually move out, but I highly doubt that now.  There's a professional connection between the two of them, one that I can't discuss here without giving away too much detail about Jade.  She respects him professionally, so as long as there's that connection and her financial issues, she's staying put and she won't push him out the door.  So I expect Jade to rationalize all of this in the months to come.

However, I did clearly state my intentions with her, as I wrote in my last post.  She reacted as I expected, touched and appreciative, but not expecting me to hold up my end.  In other words, she probably thinks I'm a little (or a lot) full of shit.

I maintain that what I wrote about her last spring is still true today:
She really needs a mentor, someone who can guide her as she starts to mature and be more responsible for herself. What she's doing now takes a tremendous amount of focus and networking skills, and it's frequently (if not mostly) discouraging. But she's had some great successes so far, and she has someone in her corner already who is guiding her. If she lets her money worries get the better of her, she'll alienate this guide and he'll stop working with her to help her become successful.
 
Except that now, she's lost the guide and she's sliding back on her road to success, all because of money.  She's feeling discouraged and lost, and is grasping at things to help her find meaning.  So long as she remains unfocused, she'll continue to flounder.  I hope I can help her back on her feet.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Jade Update

Lost phone, had no way to contact me.

She managed a text this afternoon to let me know that she just got back from the bank and is BROKE.

I asked her if she had left her BF yet?  Answer: "No why would I do that?"

Oh, I dunno, maybe because you hate him?  Cuz he now knows you're cheating on him, and he can't handle it?

"Porter, you do remember that we met on a Sugar Daddy site, right?  So... can you help me with money this month?  Not a lot, just a little...whatever you can actually.  I'm struggling.  That's why I went on the site."

You can be nicer about it...lover :-)

So...Jade...we met nearly a year ago, off the SA website, and yes, the basis for knowing each other is a mutually beneficial arrangement.  I am your Sugar Daddy and you are my Sugar Baby.  But, things got fairly intimate, fairly quickly.  There's been an emotional connection for quite some time now.  To reduce it simply to money at this point seems rather immature (see Hayden).  On top of that, while I have no problem providing you with financial assistance, I actually now want to take care of you.  Much more deeply than this arrangement would contemplate.  I already told you I love you.  You've told me you love me.  I love how crazy you are, even though you can be pretty fucking whacko.  I love your creativity, your soulfulness, and your little girl side that pops up whenever we're together.  You cannot deny that you feel safe with me, and that you respect and desire me.

Your current relationship is a sham, and you know it.  Similarly my marriage is largely symbolic at this point, mostly there because my kids are too young to deal with divorce.  I love DW, and if she were to make some miraculous turnaround, I'm sure that would be a serious reason to re-dedicate myself to the marriage. But I'm highly skeptical of that now.  I seriously doubt that I'll be married three years from now.

You are the last Sugar Baby I ever want to have.  If things don't work out for us, then I will not continue doing this.  Am I asking you to hang in there and wait till I'm single?  No.  I'm not that selfish.  But I want more than just to waltz into a hotel room every two weeks to have sex with you and be done with it after some small talk.  I want each time we're together to be a building block in something more meaningful.  What that looks like at this point, I have no idea.  But, I can honestly say that I would still want to pursue a relationship with you if there were no guarantee of sex involved.  Over time, I am certain that sex would become a large part of our relationship.  And...perhaps most surprisingly... I'm willing to try that if you want.  Then you truly would be my last Sugar Baby.

Don't respond now: take it in.  If you decide that you cannot go down that road with me, then we will have to be done now, forever.  I'm reluctant to invest myself emotionally any more than I am now if my feelings won't be returned to me in like fashion. It's not time to decide yet, but the time is approaching. 

Here's hoping that you decide soon, and join me.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Going With the Flow

Jade and I were supposed to have a date yesterday.  After she cancelled on me last week, at the last minute, I had to eat the hotel costs.  Not a big deal, since she promised that the hotel would be on her the next time.  Since she was using reward points, she'd be able to pick a cushy place where we'd have a lot of fun.

As this week began, I texted Jade to ask when and where we'd be meeting.  As of Monday, she had not selected a hotel.  She asked if she could text me later that day, and of course I agreed.  I suggested an area of town for us and she agreed.

But no text came after that.  On Tuesday, I texted her just before 10 am, eager to see her the next day, but hopeful for some information about where/when.  I texted every couple of hours after that, with no response.

By the end of the day, I was beginning to think that nothing would happen, so I went with the flow and texted Sam.  She and I have stayed in touch, but we have never made a date.  She has always wanted to continue seeing me, however, so this time I texted her and we made a date for Wednesday afternoon.

Right after making that date, I sent Jade a text backing out of anything she might have planned up to that point.  I commented that I couldn't work on short notice.  This is true most of the time.  I prefer having at least 24 hours to plan stuff. 

On Wednesday, Jade still had not responded, and I was beginning to worry.  I texted her that I hoped she was OK, and that when she had time to explain what was going on, I'd be around.  At that time, I expected that sooner or later I'd hear from her.

The date with Sam was abbreviated, but fun.  She was 30 minutes late because she had to attend to her dog who had been bitten by another dog.  She came in, flustered, wearing a t-shirt, sweatpants, and flip flops.  She immediately showered off (as I had an hour before), and we got right to business.  She talked a lot throughout, but it was cute.  It felt good to see her again. 

We had pretty good sex.  Two things stood out for me, one great and one not so great.  The not-so-great part was that she really prefers handjobs to blow jobs.  My penis spend only about 10 seconds in her mouth, but she gave me a great handjob.  The great part was that, as she was riding me, she leaned over, pressing her body to mine, and whispered some of the nastiest stuff I'd ever heard her say.  It got me so hot, I came pretty quickly after that (she'd already had an orgasm, so I felt totally free to get off). 

Sam and I talked about the fact that we hadn't been together for three months.  She was sad that it had been so long, but she explained that she was a "go with the flow" kind of girl, and that she figured it would all work out.  I learned from her that it made little sense to get all worked up about things in this sugar world.  At the end, it'll work out.  After all, I can always go back to SA and find about 30 different girls who want to be with me.

Still no word today from Jade.  I checked her Facebook page, and there was activity for the last two days, so I sent her a note there and also emailed her.  If I get a response, great; if not, go with the flow.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Compulsive Tendencies?

I am well-versed in the warning signs of compulsive, addictive behavior.  Not being able to stop doing things I know are wrong for me, to stop acting out on thoughts that are, for lack of a better word, insane -- these are sure characteristics of the disease I thought I had.

Today, while out on sales calls, I entered a condo building to visit a potential client.  Upon entering the lobby, I was suddenly overcome with anxiety and discomfort.  For a second, I didn't know why it was happening.  For whatever reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks: the building reminded me of Hayden's last apartment.  The ground floor lobby led to the street-level garage to one side, and the elevator on the other.  Even the color scheme -- light green walls, dark brown doors -- were identical to her building.  Except her old building was on the other side of town, about 45 minutes away.  Not relevant, however; I felt a knot in my stomach and each step I took increased my nervousness.  By the time I got to the condo, however, it was all gone, as I adjusted and got back into my zone.  But the feelings came back as soon as I stepped back into the hallway to leave.  When I turned around and looked at the condo number, I gasped.  That was Hayden's apartment number!  The parallels were uncanny.

Fortunately, time has passed and I am far stronger now than I was last year.  I was able to step back and look at my reactions.  "Look at you, Porter.  Look how you're reacting to this completely coincidental thing.  You're gonna be OK.  Now, get a fucking grip on yourself!" 

I was fine by the time I hit the sidewalk outside, smiling to myself at the unreal coincidence.

The facts that I could step back, laugh at it, and write about it are how I know that I'm not stuck in an addictive/compulsive pattern around Hayden.  I'm truly over her now, and wish her nothing but happiness.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Update on Business Connection

It's been 24 hours since I accepted an invitation to connect via LinkedIn with The Dancer.  Already, I have noticed that my mood has darkened considerably.  I am more irritable, less focused, and way more anxious.  I have spent time looking at her LinkedIn profile, which includes a connection to Hayden.  Further, there is a link to her personal website, which is basically her Twitter feed.  From there I was able to read all of Hayden's Twitter feed, see who she's following, who is following her and what she's been up to, far more than what she's shared on Facebook.  There are links to Instagram photos I can't see because we're not connected and her profile is set to private.

This is the primary source of my anxiety.  After nearly 15 months apart, and after more than nine months since we last had any contact, I find myself confronting a lot of the old feelings and old longings.  I will say that these feelings and longings are not as powerful as they once were, but they are certainly powerful enough to knock me off my center.

And so I have to keep watching myself, keep regulating my behavior, and keep focusing on the present and what I have in front of me: namely, a business that needs my attention, children who require my love and guidance, and a DW who brings more to my life than Hayden ever did.  Not to mention a Sugar Baby whom I love, who loves me, and with whom I have what Hayden once called a "strong sexual connection."

Just writing this post makes me feel better.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Business Connection

Today, I accepted a LinkedIn invitation from The Dancer.  You might remember her as a major participant in The Most Memorable Sexual Experience of My Life

I have to repeat: I accepted her invitation.  I did not seek her out.  I do not know exactly what compelled me to accept it. Oh, who am I kidding?  Of course I know why

Does this mean that I will try to network to Hayden through The Dancer?  No.  That ship has sailed away, never to return.  I suppose her proximity to Hayden might cause me to inquire about her well-being.  It's been well over a year since she left, and I am curious about how my most treasured Sugar Baby has been.  If a tidbit of information can be acquired, what's the harm?

I've sent The Dancer a note through the site, thanking her for the request to connect, and wishing her well.  Where it goes from there, no idea.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Postponed

No Jade story from yesterday.  Rescheduled for next week.  Hotel on her!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Jade Preview, and Catching Up

As much as I am determined to stay committed to Jade as my Sugar Baby, I struggle with the "what ifs."  What if Sam came around and became a better communicator?  What if Elle gets her shit together and comes up with a decent schedule?  What if Exa comes out to visit and we really, really hit it off?  What if -- there's someone better out there?!?!?!?!

These are all legitimate questions, of course, and they cross my mind nearly every day.  I still keep my hook out there to see if someone awesome will bite.  Jade is, of course, awesome, but what if???

Aaaaauuuuuggghhhh!

Jade and I have a date this afternoon.  I requested that we use condoms today because she's not on birth control.  I feel safer that way, but man, do I love being inside her uncovered.  It's a struggle, but not as much of a struggle as dealing with a pregnant Jade.

Here's a plan I've been formulating in my brain: Jade's unpaid internship turns into a job at the beginning of next year, but it won't be enough for her to break free.  If she decides to supplement her income with some bartending, she might be able take my allowance and patch together enough cash flow to move out of her boyfriend's place into one of her own.  And then the journey would begin to see how much longer it would take for us to be together in a place of OUR own.

In the next year, I am hoping to come to a decision about how to resolve the sexual and emotional incompatibilities I have with DW.  It's going to require a lot of preconditions: for starters, enough income to support two households.  For another, a sustained level of income to start separating our assets.  For a third, selling our house.  These are huge obstacles, and I think that it will be a couple of years at least before I'm ready for that.  Would Jade hang on?  I don't think so.  How long could I juggle all of this?  Again, don't know.

That's it for now.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Embracing My Hypocrisy

My fellow blogger David Montrose recently related a story about a woman who called him a hypocrite for refusing to get involved with her in a sugar arrangement because she had a serious boyfriend.  This is because David's a married man.  He has no problem with the dissonance.

For the record, I am just as much a hypocrite as David.  I embrace it, making no apologies.  I will not engage in a sugar relationship with any woman who is a) married or engaged; b) in a serious relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, whether or not they live together; c) a mother with school-age children who are not yet independent (as in driving).

And even though I make no apologies for my hypocrisy, I still want to put into context exactly why I hold this position.  First, and most obviously, I'm the Sugar Daddy, the guy with the "sugar," and I get to choose how I want to sprinkle it around.  Any woman who falls into the above categories can call me every name in the book, but I'm not changing my mind.  Second -- and this is where things get controversial -- I don't pick "involved" women because I wouldn't want some other guy fucking my woman.  Call it a sense of honor.  "Well," I hear the critics braying, "isn't that a bit of a double standard?  I mean, you're cheating on your wife.  Why should you care whom your wife fucks?"  Answers: yes, it is a double standard; and I would care a great deal whom my wife fucks.  My DW, like most DWs IN GENERAL, would not stray from her marriage to satisfy sexual needs, but to satisfy needs for intimacy, including emotional and otherwise.  In other words, most women fuck for emotional gratification just as much as sexual gratification.  On the other hand, I believe most men fuck for sexual gratification far more than anything else.

But where does that leave moms?  Admittedly, this is a bit of a gray area.  On the one hand, if, for example, this mom had live-in child care, like her own mother or sister or roommate, I might consider something for a short-term thing to see how it goes.  Similarly, a mom who lived in, say, The Midwest, and who was open to visiting my town to hook up with me, I'd give it a go. It probably wouldn't be a long-term thing, but perhaps an ongoing thing a couple of times a year? Sure! (hint, hint Exa Palmatieri!)

On the other hand, if we're talking about a woman who would need to hire a babysitter, or switch nights with the kid's father, in order to make things work, then I draw the line.  My need for sugar should never be an intrusion into her family life, the same way I do all I can to avoid having my sugar interfere with my family life.  Either way, drama can rear its ugly head, and who needs that?  Of course, some women could simply lie that she has live-in child care or that she is not hiring a sitter (it's generally not something I ask about, because most of the time I don't even begin conversations with moms, or I usually just shut the discussion down if I find out she has a child unless she's pretty extraordinary). 

In reading over this post, I can make the argument that I'm twisting myself into a pretzel to be logical about it, but at the end of the day, I'll admit wholeheartedly that Hayden, who broke my heart, was too distracted by her significant other relationship to devote the kind of attention I wanted out of a sugar relationship. So I just won't set foot on that path again unless the situation is well above average for me.

In short-term recreational relationships, anything goes so long as I keep getting laid, but things end as soon as there's a problem.  For me, a woman who has a significant other relationship is (now) a problem.  If she were spectacularly good in bed there might be room for one or two other problems before I called it quits.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Jade Reunion

Last week I gave up searching for the right girl and decided that Jade, despite her shortcomings, was the best option I had to continue as a Sugar Daddy.  In fact, had she not agreed to continue seeing me, I would very likely be writing my last post right now.

We set a meeting time at 4 pm, and, as is her pattern, she showed up half an hour late.  I had already showered, minted up my mouth, and lay two envelopes (one with the cash) on the beside table.  Jade came in the door, excited and with a cute little voice squeaking, "Hi, baby, how are you?"  Lots of kissing, hugging, and holding each other.  I had missed her a great deal.

Having gotten naked within about three minutes, I kissed her all over and went down on her.  I cannot find the right words to describe what I did down there, but I pretty much devoured her.  I enjoyed every single second of it, feeling her body twitch and writhe when she reached climax.  She moaned and shouted, and even growled a little bit.  Clearly this was a woman who had sorely missed sexual release.  "He can't do this to you, can he?" I smiled up from between her legs.  "No!  Oh, God, I love the way you do that to me!" 

Now it was her turn to do me.  Jade has a habit of shortchanging me on blow jobs, but since she's so good at it, I was going to insist on getting my fill of her mouth.  I have to say, in all honesty, Elle was better at this than Jade is, but I'm willing to settle now.  I thoroughly enjoyed Jade's talents, gladly watching my cock slide into her mouth.

We separated and got into missionary position.  "Go slow," Jade said, "it's been a long time since I've had a cock as big as yours inside me!"  Again with the size comments; am I ever going to escape them?  Unsurprisingly, I slid easily into her.  Since we were going uncovered, I deliberately went slow, for two reasons: one, I didn't want to climax before she did; and two, I wanted to make love to her.  I kissed her breasts, her neck, her shoulders, and stroked her face while I kissed her lips.  Her hips rocked with mine; we had a great rhythm going.

It didn't take long before we were pounding each other.  I had to employ a few distraction exercises to avoid coming, which were successful.  I rolled her on top of me so I could have those beautiful breasts in my face and my hands on her ass.  After a couple of minutes, Jade tried to roll off of me, but I wasn't having it!  Eventually I gave in and we finished off by spooning.  Once she came again, I started feeling a twitch and I pulled out.  Jade had warned me that she was not on birth control at the time, and she didn't bring condoms.  I trusted her, so I didn't make a big deal of this.  I wanted her to finish me off orally, but she refused (!).  She wouldn't stroke me off either.  I didn't really understand, but I wanted to get off at this point.  I did it to myself while she stroked me and rubbed her tits all over my dick, and my chest.  Once I came I was so relieved!  However, a few minutes later, I said, "You need to go back on the pill.  I want to come inside you."  She agreed.

After cleaning up, we talked some more.  Jade's unpaid internship will likely become a paid job in a month or so, but the money will be shit and so will the job.  "Gotta start somewhere," she said they told her.  She and I talked again about her finding a throwaway job serving drinks in a hip bar to make enough money so that she could move into her own place.  I told her that my objective was for her to have her own apartment and be away from this boyfriend she didn't really care about anymore.

I wanted more sex, but she said she was sore and couldn't do it again.  I told her that we would have to work on this, because I simply want more.  She agreed and said she wanted more as well.  She made another comment about my size, but I'm not going to share it because I'm just so sick of hearing them.

Because I had a bit of an agenda with this meeting, I reached over and grabbed the two envelopes.  I handed her the one with the cash in it first. "Don't open this one till you are alone," I said, handing her the other one, "but this one I want you to open now."  She gave me a little smile and tore open the envelope.  The front of the card showed a picture of a little girl throwing her arms around a little boy, who was making a little face.  On the front were the words, "I love you."  She opened the card, which read, "Get used to it."  "Awww, so sweet!" she purred, giving me a hug and kiss.  "OK," I said, "get ready, baby, 'cuz I'm gonna say it.  You ready? Ready? Here we go: I love you." "I love you too," she quickly replied.  We hugged and kissed some more. 

So we love each other.  And I don't think it bears mentioning again, but I'll do it anyway: I am not looking for Jade to be my next wife, any more than I saw that potential in Hayden or anyone else.  I'm not interested in ending my marriage.  I love Jade because she respects me, she wants to spend time with me, and because she's a good person with a good heart.  I want her to be happy.  Also, I have to admit, I want to be seen in public with her, and I want to hold her hand in public, and I want to go on dates with her, like a real girlfriend.  Because that's what she is going to be.  Sugar Baby aside, Jade is my girlfriend, my mistress, my lover.  We have a serious relationship.

And as with any serious relationship, we will have to communicate openly and honestly when problem arise.  This will not be an NSA relationship.  And I couldn't be happier.  I can practice on her how I'd like things to go in my main relationship with DW without there being serious consequences.

Monday, October 21, 2013

No Longer Fighting It

Elle and I are through.  I cannot take the struggles with canceled dates and trying to arrange time to meet her.  We are chronologically incompatible.  I will no longer be her Sugar Daddy.

I haven't yet told her this, however. 

On the other hand, I am also done fighting my very strong ties to Jade.  I contacted her today.  Here's a transcript of the convos:
Me: Are you home now?  Time to chat?
J: I'm back and will be able to talk at 12:30
Me: Voice to voice? :-)
J: yeah
At 12:40 she called me, and we caught up briefly.  She asked me about the end of my arrangement with Sam.  She hates her job, but she knows it's necessary to get ahead in her industry, and she'll be great at it once she gets past the initial pride-sucking nightmare she must endure in the beginning.  As you know, she has a live-in boyfriend, and I've been using that as a way to protect myself against getting too tied up in her life.  But getting tied up in her life is what I want.  Plus, she constantly undermines her boyfriend, and it's leading me to believe that she doesn't really love him.  After all, her nickname for him is Fuckface!

"We were in paradise for two weeks, Porter," she said, "and we had sex only twice in all that time."  "What the fuck is that about?" I asked. "How old is he?"  I thought that perhaps, being somewhat older, his testosterone levels might be low.  You can't have that gorgeous a woman sleeping next to you, walking with you, dressed in bikinis and other skin-baring clothing, and fail to act on your libido -- unless, of course, you have no libido!  But he's 35, so I doubt that's the issue.  I can attribute some of his reluctance to her emotional aloofness.  Based on what she says to me, I can guess that she isn't very nice or warm to him.  But there must be something wrong in this relationship, and regardless where it originates from, it can seriously impact their ability to be sexual with each other.

I asked a very major question at this point, the answer to which would determine my next step.  "Jade, if he were not providing you with a free place to live and supporting you financially, would you be in a relationship with him?"  "No," she said, flatly.

I heard all I needed to hear.  "Jade, I miss you, a lot. I miss having sex with you, I miss your body, I miss your face, and I miss talking to you.  I want to see you, this week.  Would you like to get together?"  "Oh, yes, yes," she replied, and the longing in her voice sounded almost orgasmic.  "And listen," I added, "Let's not spend a whole of time chatting and getting caught up with one another, OK?" She laughed as I continued, "I just want to you to come into the room, take off your clothes and hop right up onto my cock."  "Oh," she said, "you're so done for.  I need you so badly, Porter.  I so need to get fucked.  He just doesn't fuck me."  She also said that I have been the only man she's known who could pull her back from the brink of losing it emotionally, and to call her on her bullshit (which, I have to admit, spills liberally from her mouth).

After ten minutes, the chat ended, but we continued by text.  I let her know that I booked the hotel and we set a time and date.
Me: You will absolutely need a shower when we're done.
J: Music to my ears
Me: If you need to cancel let me know by tomorrow
J: There will be no canceling.  Trust me
Me: So I'm more important than Fuckface.  As it should be.
J: hahahahahahahaha
Me: BTW, I took a trip through your FB page.  You're so beautiful, so special, so sexy.  And, this week, you'll be so MINE!
J: Do you really think that?
Me: Which part?
J: Beyond the beauty, I mean. Sometimes I feel like I sound like a complete whacko.  I wanna be more than just beautiful.
Me: I don't know anything better than being a beautiful person, Jade. But I won't lie: that 26-text long thing you sent me last week was a bit whacko.  But I recognize the pain underneath it.  It just kills me that you feel pain like that, so acutely.  I want to take that all away, if only for two hours.
J: I'll take it.
Me: I'll give it.
So we are getting back together.  I don't know what I'll settle on regarding allowance.  But it probably won't be the same as before, since she has free housing now.  If she leaves him, then I'll hook her up for more.

I can't tell you how happy this makes me. 

Getting Hung Up on A Sugar Baby

My fellow Sugar Daddy blogger, David Montrose, posted a response to a comment I'd made on one of his posts.

I have to say, there have only been two girls to whom I think I'd gotten emotionally connected. One was Jade: this was the first real Sugar Baby I'd had since Hayden, and she was the real deal for me.  Jade was an emotionally available, GGG lover who told me that she loved me at one point.  I grew immensely fond of her in a short period of time, and I think that was part of the reason why I sort of hastily got out of that relationship.  Largely, I have avoided drama with her.  But, the weird thing is, I still want to see her and I find myself staying in contact and looking for ways to get back with her.  In fact, last week I texted her, "I know I made a mistake in letting you go.  Now it's too late cuz you're involved (she has a live in boyfriend now).  Huge mistake."  Where this all goes is currently a mystery to me. 

And, of course, the other was Hayden.  I've written much about my relationship with her, particularly here and here.  I truly did love her, and allowed myself to experience all the joy and pain that comes with loving someone whom I ultimately could not have.  She would never admit it, but she loved me too.  And part of her immaturity around ending the relationship was because she was incapable of loving two men at the same time, particularly one who was not available for her (not that I fault her for that).

I don't know that I have it in me for another emotional trip with a Sugar Baby.  Perhaps just fucking is what I need to focus on.  Being respectful at all times, but keeping it NSA above all else.  Am I capable of this?  Sure.  But I've been actively looking for something else, something that I know isn't there. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Postponed Again

Elle, with her new job, just isn't set enough in her schedule to be setting dates with me.  She texted me this morning to let me know that she had to postpone our date tomorrow morning due to a work conflict.  At least she was sweet about it:
I really need the money and your cock, but I have to show up since this job is new.
So I'm back to wondering if all this conflict over scheduling is worth it to me.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Elle Date #2: a Preview

Elle started a new job today.  She's digging in deep, apparently: her first shift is 9-5, and then she gets a six-hour break before working again from 11pm-8am.  Her schedule will vary week to week, so there will be no pre-planning our dates until the week of the date when she knows her schedule better.

She asked if I could meet her on Friday morning around 11 am.  Since hotel check-in times are about 3 pm and check out is noon, I have to book a hotel on Thursday afternoon and ask for late check out Friday.  We have a two hour window till 1 pm.  I picked a new hotel which is near my office, so I won't have to miss much work.

Because I have the hotel for the afternoon Thursday, I'm also asking around to see if anyone can meet me that afternoon for a hook-up.  Unfortunately, I've burned a lot of bridges of late (Sam, Jade, Arabia, and others), so I'm not confident I'll find someone.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

I've been a Sugar Daddy now for nearly five and a half years.  May 2008 was my first foray into sugar dating, having a great hook up with Anita.  From there I had a couple of freebie flings, including one with Karen, who gave me my first taste of lying sugar

There have been a couple more instances of lying in the past five years.  None of them were devastating lies, I must say, but all took their toll on the relationship (whether I wanted to admit it or not).  The biggest lie I confronted was the one Hayden told me when she revealed she was in a serious relationship with a boyfriend.  This wasn't a lie of commission.  That's telling an outright falsehood.  No, Hayden's lie was one of omission -- a deception by leaving out a crucial detail.

Karen lied about her age -- a lie of commission.  Hayden didn't tell me for eight months that she was in a serious relationship -- a lie of omission.  This lie, in retrospect, should have led me to end the relationship.  But I had already invested my heart in her, and there was no turning back, I'm afraid.

Other lies I've been told:
Ug-Lee -- first Asian girl.  She was far older and less attractive than her pictures.
Selena -- second Asian girl. Escort.
Old Lady -- far older than she said.
Paulina -- posted a picture on her profile that wasn't her.
Kim -- never told me until we were at the hotel that she didn't like oral sex.  Deal breaker.
Kay -- possible escort.  Wanted more money for sex acts other than intercourse.
Jade -- lied about her age. Said she had taken down her profile when she hadn't.
Chica -- said she wasn't a smoker when she was.
Sam -- lied about her age.

So you see, deceptions exist everywhere, from little white lies to great big ones.  Their size, I guess, depends on my perception.  I can honestly say that I've been guilty of deceptions myself, from me saying I was available for an arrangement when I was only interested in a hook up to my telling Hayden I was breaking up with her because I was concerned about the money when in fact I was hurt by her for cancelling three dates in a row. 

But there are lines to be drawn.  If in my profile I say I don't want a smoker, and a woman comes along who says she isn't a smoker when she is, or if a woman who says she's under 40 is over 40, these are deal breakers.  If a woman portrays herself as a Sugar Baby but is really an escort, that's a big lie.  When these women lie to me, the sole objective is to separate me from my money.  And in nearly every case, they were successful.

I told one big doozy of a lie to Hayden, and I paid the price for it with a four-month exile from her life.  All the other lies I told around arrangement vs. hook-up were harmless, as the worst thing that happened was that the girl left with hundreds of dollars in her wallet.  Oh, and perhaps they had sex that might not have been the best they've ever had (of course, I'm just speculating here; I know I'm awesome in bed).  But that's the risk you take in any hook-up though, isn't it?  In both cases, we lost out by wasting time, but that comes with the territory too.  You have to sort through a lot of potentials before you find the real Angel.

I'm not saying these women were worse liars than I was.  I'm only saying that the price I paid for my lies was far worse than what they paid for theirs. 

The lesson here is: Don't lie.  But, if you're going to lie, try to minimize the damage it will cause. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

Delaying Elle

I couldn't book my usual hotel today for my second date with Elle.  So I went searching for another hotel that was reasonably close to where both of us work/live that wasn't going to cost an arm and a leg.  No dice, unfortunately.  So I texted Elle and told her I was postponing.  I didn't give her a reason other than to say I couldn't make it.  She was understanding and gracious about it.

Sorry, but today is not Fuck Day.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

No Pearl For Me

As I suspected, Pearl was a Euro-girl.  She was Slovakian and had a fairly thick accent, although her English was very good.  She was easily older than 30, and even though she said she was slightly older, she's probably closer to 40.  Great body though.  She said she had experience in fitness training, which was pretty clear.  But totally not for me.

Her dyed blond hair had remnant streaks of pink and purple in it, and her dark roots were showing.  Over her pretty green eyes she wore this multi-layered, copper and black metallic eye shadow that did absolutely nothing for her.  Her eyebrows had been completely tweezed off and she had permanent lines there that appeared to have been faded over time.  Finally, she lined her lips with a dark lip liner that just gave her face an overall severe look.

One of the biggest turnoffs was the fact that she had no clear idea about what she wanted to do with her life.  She lived with her father, paying no rent.  She just left a three-month stint with the civil service, working six days a week and commuting over 35 miles each way for absolutely shit pay.  She said she had been going to a community college because she didn't qualify for a student loan, and was studying design to get work along those lines, but she knew that work in that field requires a bachelor's degree. She isn't going to finish school, but is going to try to find work anyway, at the bottom.  This is a woman who appears fairly comfortable with life at the bottom.  And that's not a compliment.

Update on Goodbye Sam

Yesterday I posted a goodbye text to Sam to end our arrangement and relationship.  Initially there was no response.  Par for the course, right?

A couple of hours later, she wrote back to say she was out of the country and would not be back for a few more days.  She gave me her email address so I could write to her there.

While I was re-writing the text, she texted me again to say that she'd gotten by goodbye text.  Her response was understanding, and she thanked me, and wished me luck.  I was touched by what she wrote.  Since I also wanted to end things on a good note, I decided to email her with an expansion on my text:

You're busy, and I got that: I'm busy too. But it just didn't show me that you were interested in me or our arrangement when I would see/read the way you communicated. In fact, it discouraged me a great deal. In the two months since we started seeing each other, I don't recall a single time when you initiated a conversation. On top of that your normal text responses were consistently one or two words. See, I didn't even know until just a few minutes ago that you were out of the country. That was probably the longest text I ever got from you. It's just not the way I like to conduct relationships like these.

Perhaps you had another SD and didn't want to tell me (maybe you're with him now), or perhaps you really didn't like me after all. Either way, it's not important anymore. You're a great girl and I wish you well. Thank you for your company.
I guess it resonated with her, because she continued to communicate with me:
I'm not much of a texter and no I do not have another sd nor am I here with a man. Simply shooting swimsuits for a catalog with a few other models. I understand my communication is not the best and I feel the timing had a lot to do with it yet that's not an excuse. I wish u the best and again thank you for everything.
I returned her email to agree that timing was horrible.  Plus I wrote, "I am like a lot of SDs in that it's more of a relationship than a twice monthly booty call."  I left off saying that I would be open to working things out if we could agree on expectations.
I really wish things could have worked out with her.  Things started off with such promise, her playfulness and beautiful face and body were about as close to perfection for me as I could have hoped for.  But, at this point in my life, I have to admit that I want more than a hook-up partner.  I want a real relationship with an available woman.  Even if it's going to be a short-term thing, what's the harm in investing in it fully?

New Potential

In about three hours I'll be having coffee with Pearl, a cute blonde who contacted me a few days back on the new Sugar Daddy website.  She sent over a bunch of pictures -- a petite-looking, cute 30ish blonde, with a curvy figure.  She says she looks better in person.  That would make her pretty damn hot.  From her pictures, she looks more like 35 or older, so I'll have to ask her about it. Also, from her name and facial features, it appears that she might be a Euro-girl.  As I define it, that's a girl from eastern Europe, and she may or may not be an immigrant.  Typically I steer clear of Euro-girls because, well, they scare me a little bit.  Her texts, however, reveal flawless English, so I'm hopeful.

I was not expecting to meet another woman now that I've begun something with Elle.  But with Elle's new job starting next week and her ridiculous commute, I have to consider a back-up plan.  Elle told me yesterday that she anticipated her schedule to be similar to what she already has.  To me, that means that she'll have one or two days off during the week (more likely one with an additional day off on Sundays).  I'll probably have to compete for her time on her weekday off, since she'll probably want to see her mother on that day.  The work days for her, with her commute, will be just impossible, given my increased workload.  So, if we can't find a very convenient day to meet, I'll just politely let her know that I'm not willing to budge on my need for a late afternoon meeting.  I presume she won't be available to take time off work with this new job.  Even still, driving back from her work location to town will just make this impossible.

Pearl and I seem to have hit it off, at least via text, so if things feel good at the face to face, I'm going to put it to the bed test.  I'm going to change tactics a little bit, though. I've already told her that I'm looking to meet up 2-3 times per month, but we haven't discussed allowance yet.  My plan is to put it out there and see if she'll consent to three times a month for the same allowance as I'm giving Elle for two times a month.  If not, then I fall back on the rationale that the allowance is for meeting every other week, so some months there would be three meetings.  There would be two such months over the next year, as I see it.  I can't see her objecting to two extra meetings per year in that case.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Goodbye Sam

I sent two texts to Sam yesterday:

1. What are you up to, babe?  have you found yourself with some time?

and, two and a half hours later:

2. you know, I'm wondering if we're too busy for each other.  What do you think?

No answer to either one of those.  So, after I complete this post, I'm sending a third:

3. Hi, babe.  Sorry for doing this by text.  I'm afraid this is the end of the line for us.  You have seen over the months that I like a fair amount of communication, but whether you intend to or not, you're just not responsive enough for me.  I enjoyed getting to know you a little, and wish you only the best.  Perhaps you'll find someone else better suited to your schedule and style.  Take care.

Not expecting a response.  I'm disappointed that she turned out to be such a dud.

So, now it's just Elle, and we'll see how that goes.

Crazy Jade

Two weeks ago, as I was holed up in a nice hotel while training for my new job, I was walking to dinner with my co-trainees, when I got a text from Jade:

J: I wanna have sex with u
Me: Sounds great! I'm in [city] at the [hotel].  Come down tonight.
J: What??? How long are you gonna be there?
Me: Tonight's my last night.  Back in town tomorrow.
J: Why didn't u tell me sooner???
Me: Are you coming or not?
J: Yes!!! But I'm babysitting right now.  Can I come down late, like midnight?
Me: I was thinking maybe 10.  Midnight's kinda late.
J: How about 11?
Me: Perfect.  See you then.

Then, a minute later:

Me: BTW, this is your booty call!  No allowance.
J: What do you mean?
Me: You called me asking for sex.  I'm here, come get me.  But I already have a SB.  I'm not an ATM with a cock.
J: ooooof, that didn't feel too good.
Me: a little indelicate, I apologize.  You're still welcome to come down.

I followed up over the next hour or two with a couple of texts, including one where I took a picture of my hotel bed and wrote, "You could be here right now."

Needless to say, Jade didn't come down.  And we didn't contact each other at all until yesterday.  After writing that I might take time off, I decided to reach out.

Me: Hey J
J: Hey P
Me: What are you up to?
J: I'm at [unpaid internship] right now
Me: Any chance they'll be paying you anytime soon?
J: 2 months more...
Me: will it be worth the wait?
J: Yeah. Can't really text now.  Will talk to you in a lil. XO

Two hours later:

Me: In the car.  Talk now?
J: What would you like to talk about?  I can't talk.  I'm still at work.  Besides, I think you're kind of an asshole so I don't really wanna speak to u.  You're a mean human being.  there's plenty of that out there.  I don't need it in my life.
Me: Whoa... I'm not mean at all.  I don't really know what you're talking about.  but I apologize again for being awkward with my words.  I was hoping to clear that up without texting, but I understand if you've moved on.  You're cool and I like u. 

An hour later:

Me: I don't understand you.  Two texts ago, you're giving me an "XO", so I know there was at least some minimum amount of affection there.  Two hours later I'm an asshole.  If you would give me an opportunity to clarify what I was trying to say the other night, you might not think that anymore. Let me buy you dinner.
J: Sorry, I'm in a weird mood.  I wanna show u something I wrote.  I want to see what u think about it
Me: that would be great.  when can you meet me?

What followed was a 26-text long, incoherent, babbling diatribe about the media, about secret plots they are hatching to control all of our minds.  Reading this thing, I really thought her cheese had slipped off her cracker.  I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Take it easy, babe, and be good to yourself."

Sunday is her birthday, and I'm thinking that some of that nuttiness had to do with an upcoming milestone.  In any event, there is no conceivable way I'm ever going to sleep with her again.  Now my job is to let her go with affection and never contact her again.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Time Off?

Yesterday, I bought a free three-day preview membership at another Sugar Daddy website.  I'm not really a fan of it honestly.  I think a bunch of these listings are fakes.  I don't mean escorts/hookers.  I mean fake listings, listings with pictures of girls who don't exist in real life.  Just to get guys to buy the membership.  Gonna cancel that out.

There's another site I might try out: Ashley Madison.  But I've used that site before and I had no success there.  At the time, however, I was ignoring all girls who wanted a Sugar Daddy.  I was looking for a true mistress who wanted a sexual outlet with an available married man.  No go.

Elle started training for her new job yesterday.  Her place of employment is about an hour outside of the city, in traffic, each way.  If she works 8-5 M-F, she'd only be available on weekends or evenings.  That wouldn't work for me, so we'd have to stop after one date.  Damn!

Sam is a decent alternative, but I'm not sold on her either.  She just seems too aloof for me.  I like having contact with my Sugar Baby, and if she isn't going to give me more than a couple of syllables a day, I'm not interested.

I have Aura, I have Jade, and I might have one more.  I'm not particularly excited about any of them. 

I dunno.  Maybe it's time to stop for a little while, build up my new business, and focus on making lots of money.

Friday, October 4, 2013

In Limbo

Having had a successful first sex date with Elle, I've found myself with a bit of a dilemma.  What to do about Sam?  Physically, I find her more attractive than Elle, as she's in much better shape and seems to take pretty decent care of herself.  She is goofy, fun, intelligent, and pretty great in bed.  But her very laid-back personality frustrates me.  She's essentially mono-syllabic in her communication with me -- partly because she's very busy during the day -- at times when I want to hear more from her.  She never, ever reaches out to say hello on her own.  As of today, I haven't reached out to her in two days, probably the longest I've gone even without saying hello, and there has been nothing from her.

Contrastly, Elle's beautiful face and eyes (gorgeous, actually) are wonderful, and her body, while slightly out of shape, doesn't turn me off.  Her excessive body art does not excite me, however.  I am far more attracted to Elle's personality than to Sam's.  Elle is talkative, silly, plain-spoken, direct, and very expressive.  Her texts are long and informative.  She reveals herself -- sometimes even too much -- which disarms me and draws me into her life.  In bed, Elle has far more skill, although her going on and on about my cock was over the top annoying. 

On the fringe issues, Sam is bi-curious, Elle is not (although she has had sex with women many times, she says she is not into girls).  Sam has her own business and shows ambition to do much more.  Elle is going to be a worker her whole life.  Sam is younger and less mature, while Elle has lived a lot of life and offers a wealth of life experience to spice up our relationship.  Sam doesn't impress me as someone who is curious about the world, while Elle seems very open (albeit tempered by her being opinionated).  Elle has an angry side, Sam doesn't seem that way all.

While I dislike the term Sugar Daddy, I have to own that I am one.  And, as a Sugar Daddy, my Sugar Baby (ugh) should express more than a little interest in who I am and what makes me tick.  Being my companion doesn't just mean being the receiver of allowances, gifts, dinners, etc.  It includes listening, sharing, and being open.  I've always been very clear with every potential that I meet that I'm after more than a sexual outlet.  After Hayden, with whom I fell in love, how could it be any other way?

I'm not sure what to do at this point, but I'm clear that having two beautiful and sweet women to choose from as my SB, it's  a good problem to have.

One thing I did decide, however: I'm going to try a different Sugar Dating website than the one I've been using.  A couple of sugar buddies of mine have given me some guidance on a number of different sites.  I know that SBs frequently put up profiles on different sites, so I expect to run into many of them in different places.  But I'm sure there will be plenty of others who don't.  Fresh faces!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Long Wait is Over (and it was worth it)! -- Part 2

Last night I detailed my first meeting with Elle, all the way up to our heading upstairs to our hotel room.

The room, as I have described before, suited our needs perfectly.  After she used the restroom (during which time I snuck the envelope under her jacket), she sat on the bed while I took a seat on a desk chair.  No sense in diving in right away.  We talked about her job, which she is leaving in a week or two (which might cause a potentially very bad problem, but more on that later).  She asked me about my marriage, and the inevitable why questions.  I felt and feel very comfortable with Elle, so I found it easy to discuss this stuff with her throughout the afternoon.

After about 10 or so minutes of getting acquainted some more, I asked, "Can I just kiss you now?"  "Of course," she said.  Moving onto the bed, I locked lips with her. She took my face in her hands, which felt very romantic, I must say.  I returned the favor, letting my tongue dance around hers.  All very light touch and gentle.  The kissing grew more passionate, and we got horizontally entwined pretty easily.  Slowly, articles of clothing came off.  We laughed and kissed and talked throughout this whole process.  I told her how her tats were not my style, but that liked hers because they accentuated her arms and shoulders.  (Tangent: unfortunately, she had to show me how out of shape she was by jiggling her triceps.  "Old Jewish lady arms," she joked.  Great, thanks for that visual, Elle!  Despite the fact that she works with addicts and battered women, is a recovering addict herself, and has a great relationship with her family, Elle maintains that she is anything but "a nice girl."  She swore like a fucking sailor over and over again, just to prove it.  Tangent over.) 

Anyway, undeterred by her jiggly arms, we pressed on.  Her front-clasping bra removed, I enjoyed stroking and kissing her small breasts and tight little nipples.  In addition to the arm tats, she also has one on her neck, two at her hips, one on her side which she said she hates, and one on her butt which I hate.  A few minutes later, both of us were naked. 

Now comes the part that, for me, nearly derailed the whole afternoon.  After laughing, smooching, smiling, and having a great time, Elle started commenting on the size of my member, expressing mild concern that it might be big for her.  You all know that this happens to me a lot, so it won't surprise you to read that I resorted to my stock answer, which is to tell her not to worry because a fair amount of lube solves that problem in no time.  At that moment, it seemed that the issue went away, so we continued.

I went down on her.  She apologized that she hadn't waxed recently.  Elle struggles to pay her bills, so what do I care that her vagina was a little hairy?  In any event, she tasted sweet and she enjoyed what I was doing.  She took care, as well, to let me know that she wasn't going to "get off this way," even though she thought what I was doing felt amazing.  I thanked her, saying, "I'm such a goal-oriented guy, that I'd have been down here for half an hour not giving up!"  I fingered her and rubbed her g-spot, which really got her going.  "You don't have to be so gentle, Porter," she said.  "You like it a little rough, do you?" I responded.  So I stuck in another finger, rubbing and pumping, licking away at her clit.  She moaned loudly and rocked her hips, and really dug it, but clearly not anywhere near an orgasm.

I was ready for her to return the favor.  Happily, she paid me back with interest.  After saying, "Let's see how much of you I can get in my mouth (another cock size comment!), she demonstrated that her mouth was, indeed, large enough, and she gave me a totally awesome blow job.  I would say it rivaled anything I got from Hayden, and came close to Joni as being the best BJ I've ever gotten.  At one point, I looked down and she had reached down between her legs and started playing with herself, quite aggressively, I might add.  She was jamming several fingers inside herself.  It didn't last long before she stopped. She looked at me and said, "We always know how to get ourselves off in two seconds, don't we?"  "Did you just come?" I asked.  "Of course, look how wet I am.  She took her wet hand and stroked my cock.  "Now I get to taste myself when I suck on you."  Wow.

I could have lay there with her mouth on me for two hours and I wouldn't have complained one bit.  But I wanted to fuck her.  She was sweaty, her long hair was piled on top of her head, and my cock was throbbing for her pussy. 

I opened up a condom and the lube, applying it generously since she was so concerned about it fitting.  "Go slow, very slow," she cautioned me.  I entered her fairly easily, but seemed to hit a barrier about halfway in.  At the same time, a look of serious discomfort descended on Elle's face.  "It hurts," she said.  So this is where the afternoon nearly derailed again.  We slowly kept going, applying more lube, thinking that as she started experiencing the in/out, she would get wetter and we'd have less discomfort.  "It feels like I'm having sex for the first time," she said.  "When did you last have sex?" I said, thinking that perhaps it had just been a long time, but that wasn't the answer since she'd had sex just a week ago.  "And he was puny compared to you."  Great, more comments about my dick.  This was not turning out the way I liked it.  I said, "I don't want you to think that I'm not enjoying myself, because I am, very much, and I don't want you to think that I'm angling for unprotected sex, because I'm not at all.  But, stuff like this happens because of condoms.  They rub, they catch, and they tear, which is exactly what's happening to you."  She had already told me that she was on the pill, and I wasn't thinking we should have bareback sex, but it was clear why this was happening, at least to me.

I suggested she get on top of me to control the amount of penetration and to control the movement.  At first it went slowly, but my penis eventually got all the way in.  Rather than going up and down, she rocked back and forth, which she said felt a little better.  We managed to have a few good minutes of sex there, with me sucking her nipples and squeezing her nice booty.  But I could tell she wasn't enjoying it all that much.  So I stopped, took off the condom, and we took a break. 

At this point, Elle made more comments -- more like worried concerns -- about whether we were compatible anatomically.  "I have a small vagina!" "Um, I've been with women six or more inches shorter than you, and eventually things work out.  It's our first time.  Let's just take a break and we'll try again in a bit."  My erection was gone by this time, anyway, so we just kind of lay there for a minute or two, talking.

She wondered whether it was the condom.  I said, "I'm clean, I'm safe, but I leave that decision up to you, babe."  She suggested we try it bareback.  I said I would pull out when I come. 

After going down on me again to get me hard (man, she was so good at that!), we applied more lube and she got on top again.  I slipped in easily, as I knew I would.  We went slowly at first, but she was so wet that soon we were fucking pretty roughly.  I'm not thrilled with rough sex, but I enjoyed giving her a good pounding.  Kissing made all that pounding seem loving, though!

I rolled her over and we finished in missionary position, with me pulling out and unloading on her belly.  It was fun to clean her off, especially in that little bellybutton reservoir, which was filled to the top. 

I learned afterward that the guy she slept with last week was a sort-of-new boyfriend.  I made sure to tell her that she needed to let me know if things got serious.  I told her the Hayden story, and wouldn't you know?  Without my prompting her, Elle surmised that Hayden had feelings for me and couldn't manage to reconcile them with her feelings for her BF.  She also didn't like Hayden at all.  I know that Hayden doesn't really come across as very likeable when I tell our story, but regardless of what she or Jade have said, I think Hayden is a pretty amazing girl who lacked the maturity to handle her feelings in a genuine way.  Doesn't mean she's doesn't have a good heart deep down.  At least that's how I'm going to remember her.  Fuck what everyone else thinks.

We both showered up, I watched her pee, we both got dressed, left together, kissed in the elevator, and hugged in the lobby, in front of about a dozen people, before parting.

All in all, a successful afternoon.  We like each other.  There will be another date.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Long Wait Is Over (and it was worth it!)

Today was my first date with Elle.  I waited quite a long time to meet this woman, back almost a month.  We experienced far too many delays, but I held out hope that she would prove worthy of the wait.  Through our texting, we developed what I believed was a very good rapport.  Her background and her work appealed to me, and she seemed to enjoy our conversations.  She possessed something I wanted more than her body.  I selected the hotel on which Jade and I eventually settled.  Elle would be coming from work (and, surprisingly enough, returning to work afterward). 

But before I tell you that story, I have to tell you this story: last night, she sent me a text and specified that she wanted to meet me downstairs in the hotel lobby before going upstairs, adding that she "wanted to make sure that I wasn't a cop lol".  I shot back with what I thought was an innocent enough response, but it turned out to be disturbingly cryptic to her: "Not a cop.  Too heavy. LOL"  She asked, "What's too heavy, you or being a cop?" 

Now, I could have put this issue to rest immediately by taking a quick selfie and texting it to her, or by letting her know that I looked the same today as I did when I originally sent her a picture of myself.  But, the Fates did not allow this.  I was about to have a long evening powwow with some close friends, and it wasn't a social thing.  My phone gets turned off at these times.  So the whole evening went by and I didn't respond.

The next morning, I sent her a good morning text, and said, "see you at 4. Meet me in the lobby."  No big deal, right?  We were on, finally!  Only something was hanging in the air but I didn't know about it.  Ninety minutes before our date was to begin, Elle texted me: "U never answered my question last night. What's too heavy?  You didn't look heavy in your pic."

Hah, I thought, she's worried that I won't look like my picture, and be this heavy dude who couldn't possibly inspire a woman to take off her clothes and express herself.  So, I replied, "Aha, you're worried that I'm a fat guy! LOL I was saying I was too heavy to be a cop. Those guys are in great shape.  I look the same as in my pic. See u at 4."  No response, so a couple of minutes later I send her a couple of question marks.  Again, no answer.  So I snap a selfie and send that.  No response again. 

Now I'm getting a little miffed.  I'd sent over a series of reassuring texts that she'll be meeting a guy who told the truth about himself, but she is silent on her end.  Having been stood up more times than I care to mention, I start wondering if the worst is about to happen.  Given the numerous false starts we've had, it's not an unrealistic thought.  However, I'm smarter than that and I realize I'm in my head, but I hedge my bets just to be sure. "OK," I write, "I'm heading over to the hotel now. If you're thinking at all about changing your mind, please tell me now."  No response.  I get in the car and start driving over.  The drive is across town, in pre-rush hour traffic, about 30-40 minutes.  About 10 minutes in, I text again: "Please don't let me waste my time driving across town and back, ok?"  No response.  Now, my dumbshit brain is in overdrive, and I think that she's going to be a no show.  I keep driving over, though, telling myself that if she doesn't show up, you'll just go home and refrain from unleashing holy hell on her phone.  After all, I'd only be out the small hotel bill and will have saved $600 in allowance and gifts.

About three minutes prior to my arrival at the hotel, the text comes: "Sorry I was working and didn't see your texts.  We're all good, and I'll see you in a bit."  Apparently she doesn't carry her cell phone around with her like I do every second of every day. Relieved, I smile and get all excited again.

I arrive and check in, getting a top floor room with a few of the busy street out front.  I take a quick shower and get dressed again.  The lobby, however, was too small and conspicuous, I decided, and I asked the desk clerk if there was a Starbucks or something nearby.  Turns out there was a funky coffee shop on the ground floor of the hotel building, so I went over there to investigate.  Cute, funky and with a few tables out front on the sidewalk.  Perfect.  I informed Elle of our change of meeting place and headed down there 10 minutes prior. 

She showed up just a minute or two late.  She was dressed in black skinny jeans, a flowing print top, and a little short black blazer.  She had long flowing black hair and a bright smile beneath lively dark eyes.  I stood up and we hugged warmly.  I'd gotten two bottles of water from the coffee shop and offered her one.  We spent about five or ten minutes chatting before heading upstairs...

To be continued...