Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Closure

Hayden texted me this afternoon, completely out of the blue:

H: "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

P: "Would it be ok to chat for a min?"

H: "Can't talk.  On the phone."

P: "When would be a better time?"

H: "Not for a while."

P: "Of course, super busy as always.  I hope you're well."

H: "I just didn't know what you were talking about.  Something about three years and lies."

P: "Complicated."

H: "Well, I just hope you're doing better and over me and everything.  I just had surgery."

P: "Angel, I am doing better.  I am not over you yet, but time will take care of that.  I just wanted to be your friend and to know what was going on in your life every so often.  You're still special to me, always will be."

H: "Our relationship is well over done.  I would appreciate no contact anymore and if I decide to reach out I will."

P: "I get it.  Just tell me when you get married, k?  Speedy recovery.  <3"

H: "Take care."

I now have my closure, at least as good as I'm going to get.  She has completely moved on, and I have absolutely no effect on her life anymore.  This is good.  This is right.  Time will take care of the pain, and I just have to move on.

I am grateful today.  Humbled by the power of love, and hopeful that I do things better next time.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Last Word

Last week, I'd sent a vicious text to Hayden as a final statement, as if to flip her the middle finger and turn my love into hate.  It felt good for about half a day.

By the next day, I felt like shit.  It was clear to me that I could not let that be the last thing I ever said to her.  It was wrong of me to create some false reality to hang onto for no other reason than to get over my feelings for her and put them behind me.  It would not work!

The next day was a Sunday.  For two years I'd been conditioned not to communicate with Hayden on weekends when she was with her BF.  But today I thought, "Fuck, she lives with him now, what the fuck do I care if I text her on a weekend?"  It was important to ME to make sure that, if I was going to never speak with her again for the rest of my life, that I leave it with my side of the street cleaned up.  And I was wrong in what I'd done.  I could not make her the bad person in this situation, because it simply wasn't that way.  She was guarded about her feelings, and she held back, probably at least a little, because she wanted to keep me coming back, but it wasn't all that bad.  I had a pretty damn good time with her for three years, and so did she.  No use in remembering it as a bad thing.

So I sent her a brief text:  "So very sorry for my last text.  When Wanda said what she did, it sent me to a very dark place and I simply lashed out in anger at you.  I was wrong.  I hope you can forgive me although I have no expectation of that.  I simply had to say this to you because it's the right thing to do.  Again I'm very, very sorry."

No language in there to leave a hook in her to see if she'll reply.  I simply wanted to make amends to her and let it go.  Immediately after sending this text, I felt better, and I felt at peace.  The next day, I felt a little sad about it, since the last thing I would say to her was "I'm sorry."  Felt like a weak thing to say, but I kept telling myself, "Porter, just let it go.  If you have to be weak to let her go, then be weak."  It's going to take some time, but I'll get over all this shit.  I think it's healthy now to look back on the experience and recognize some things I'd do differently.  I can apply them with Lola, or whoever else I find myself with, and recognize my experience with Hayden as the learning experience that it was.

A Lapse of Sanity, and Hitting the Brakes

Saw Lola yesterday for our second date.  She'd invited me to her apartment, which was located in an upscale neighborhood in an older building.  Parking always sucked in this neighborhood, but there was a public parking lot half a block away that cost me five bucks.  Better than getting a ticket on her street, which was entirely possible.

She buzzed me in and it took me a minute to find her place.  She was calling from her front door, so I just followed the sound of her voice.  I turned a corner to a hallway, and there she was, resplendent in white bra and underwear.  As soon as she caught my eye, she dashed back inside, since it was really cold outside.

I got inside and noticed how nice, if spare, her apartment was.  A large one-bedroom place, no TV, funky furnishings and accessories, no window covering so that she was exposed to the street.  I guess we won't be fucking out in the living room! 

We retired to her bedroom, which was large and cozy, with a comfortable queen bed along the far wall.  I stripped down to my underwear and we climbed in bed together.  We made out for quite a while, just kissing, touching, rubbing.  It was very erotic, and I was aroused immediately.  I got another awesome BJ, and I reciprocated by going down on her till she came.  Her juices were not as sticky this time, but she has a musky smell to her pussy that I'm not quite in love with right now.  I was able to get past it, though, and enthusiastically got her off with my mouth and fingers.   After she went down on me again, she came up to kiss me, and I rolled her over on her back.  I got on top of her and rubbed my cock against the opening to her pussy.  She put up a hand to my chest, signalling that I wasn't to go inside without a condom.  I gave her a smile and said, "Of course."  We made out a little more, and at some point, I slipped inside her without the condom.  We looked at each other.  It felt so amazing!  I stroked in and out of her for about a minute or so, then gently pulled out and slipped on the condom.

We tried doggy for the first time, and it was wonderful to watch myself penetrating her in this way.  Very erotic and very hot.  We did not do cowgirl this time, which I actually enjoyed, since that was always how I'd gotten off with Hayden in the past.  When I got ready to climax, I pulled out and yanked off the condom, unloading all over her belly and tits. 

She went and cleaned up and then we hung out in her bedroom as the late afternoon turned to dusk.  We quickly discussed our having unprotected sex, even if just for a short while.  She said she preferred using the condoms every time, and of course I agreed.  She wasn't on the pill, and didn't want to get pregnant.  I said I wished I'd had a vasectomy long ago.  We handled it lightly and it seemed to take care of itself.

The conversation soon turned to previous experiences with past partners, and I revealed how I'd now had regrets about my last relationship.  Chiefly, I had two: first, I regretted not ending things once I'd realized how much she was in love with her BF.  It was clear to me at that point, although I refused to admit it to myself, that any feelings I developed toward her would not be reciprocated.  I set myself up for heartbreak, and now, rather than embracing that journey, I believe now I should have just ended it right there.  Second, I regretted not demanding that she be more open about her feelings.  If I was going to open up my heart and love her, then I should at least not allow myself to have that love be one-sided.  If she didn't at least feel something similar to what I was feeling, I should have had the strength to leave.    Lola understood this, as this seemed to be the main reason why her last relationship ended.  And that guy had it good with her!  They saw each other five days a week, he had overnights with her when he traveled for work, and her allowance was based on a once-a-week arrangement.  Clearly Lola had developed feelings for this guy and she gave him way more time than she had intended.  "He was shoplifting the pooty," I said, stealing a line from Jerry Maguire.  But she loved him, so there was that.  What I was noticing about Lola was that she was a wellspring of emotion.  She was open to love, open to a much deeper relationship.  I'm pretty sure that this had everything to do with her age.  At her age, Lola was single and had really only had one long-term relationship, that lasted nine years.  She never had kids, and she was feeling as though she'd run out of time to have them.  I reassured her that there was time, but for some reason I didn't get that she saw that situation optimistically.  She had a pretty good social life, with both male and female friends, but she didn't date.  This was probably why her last SD got to see her five days a week.  Still, she said, "holidays alone, birthday alone" took their toll on her.  She didn't have a tight-knit family, and none of her relatives seemed, at least at this point in my knowledge of her, to be particularly close to her.  She has definitely impressed me as one of those women who regularly sleeps with married men to simulate, perhaps, a real relationship.  It came off as sad to me.  I saw sadness in her eyes the day I met her, and that sadness remains.

As the room got dark, I had her turn on the light so I could see her clearly.  She looked beautiful.  Her lips were thin, but she had a really warm smile and really blue eyes that were deep-set into her face.  Her nose was small and cute, unlike Hayden's gorgeous, large, middle-eastern nose that was off-center and made her asymmetrical face so fucking beautiful.

I looked at Lola, naked, in bed.  She had smallish, natural breasts, with silver-dollar sized nipple areas.  They were soft, but not too soft, firm enough to feel good in my hands.  Her stomach was flat but showed her age.  She had no waist -- meaning, there was no hourglass figure to accentuate her chest and her hips.  It was essentially straight from shoulders to hips.  She maintained a landing strip of dark brown hair, but the rest of her was closely shaved or waxed.  Her butt was round, firm, and had just a small trace of cellulite when I grabbed it.  Her legs and arms were muscular, in particular her shoulders, which I find very sexy!  Her fingernails and toenails were impeccably done, a great feminine touch.  Her blonde hair was fair and long, mid-back.

Looking at her like this, I got totally turned on, and I was hard again.  I got on top of her again.  We kissed, gently, longingly, stroking each others' faces, wrapping our arms around each other.  This was lovemaking, not fucking. 

As before, I positioned my cock at her opening, and gently coaxed myself insde her.  Yes, we had just said we would not do this, but we nevertheless started having unprotected sex again.  Knowing my body, I knew that it usually takes a while for me to climax again, but it had been at least an hour since the last time, so I was in sort of unfamiliar territory.  Lola, moaning over and over, "Yes!  Oh that feels so good," did not resist me this time.  We were having unprotected sex like a couple who freely knew the consequences and didn't care. 

After a few minutes, Lola had two back to back orgasms, her body shaking all over and her legs tensing around me.  I was very aroused, and figured it might be time to pull out and slip on the condom again, so I grabbed the base of my cock and pulled out.  Lola must have thought I was going to climax again, and she tensed up, her arms going across her chest and closing her eyes, her hands on my chest.  I said, "Babe, I'm not ready to cum yet.  I'm not even close.  I was pulling out to get the condom."  She was still in the same position, and I could see that she had a look on her face that was a combination of fear and sadness.  It took some coaxing on my part, but she did express further concern about getting pregnant.  I told her that I knew my body and knew that not only had I not climaxed, but hadn't even twitched and leaked seminal fluid into her.  There was no way she was in any danger.  She didn't ease up, though, and eventually I saw tears in her eyes.  She got up to wipe them away and came back happier, but I knew that this moment had struck a powerful nerve.  I didn't push it, but I was clear with her that if she had something important to tell me, I wanted to know what it was.  She was just glad that I didn't cum inside her. 

It had grown late, and it was time for me to leave.  I asked her to keep me company while I showered so we could talk some more.  She stayed about a minute, but then left me alone.  I toweled off and got dressed, while she lay in bed, still naked, under the covers.  I sat beside her and kissed her some more, making sure she knew that I was on her side no matter what.  This would definitely be the only time we had unprotected sex.  This momentary lapse in our collective sanity would not be repeated.

Still, there had been an emotional connection.  This morning, I called her while walking the dog.  She was with a girlfriend, who had come over an hour after I'd left.  The GF knew everything about me, apparently, and wanted to meet me.  Lola was bisexual, and this GF was her occasional lover.  This was definitely going to be a great relationship!

Friday, January 25, 2013

A Twist of Permanent Hate

This week was so painful for me.  I've been literally obsessing over Hayden for months, and this week, all I could think of was sending this video that I had described which would give me closure.

This morning, I woke up to find that her Facebook page was "not found."  I'd been blocked by her.  Further, her business page, which I'd been seeing posts for on occasion, was now invisible to me.  What the fuck was this?  Did I have my answer about how she really felt about me?

Just before leaving for work, I jotted a quick email to her.  Basically I asked her one question: Am I not supposed to ever be in contact with you anymore?  Of course, the day goes by and no reply.

This afternoon, I drove home from work early.  I decided to contact Wanda, one of her good friends.  Once I got home, she answered.  After making small talk via text, I asked her why she thought Hayden refused to communicate with me.  She answered, "I feel so bad for you Porter.  Hayden is 100% in love with her boyfriend and is really happy in her new town.  I just talked to her earlier this week.  The arrangement part of her life was part of her past and she has now moved on.  I think she told you what you wanted to hear to keep you interested. Sorry for being harsh but that's just my opinion."

This was the closure I'd been looking for!  I texted Wanda back and thanked her.  I deleted Hayden from my phone forever.  No more wondering, no more doubt.  She'd lied to me all this time just to keep me giving her money.   Even if it weren't true, I needed it to be true.  To put her behind me, I needed a good reason.  I think that if I'd known she loved me, I'd still find myself pining away for years, missing her and wondering how she was doing.  Now, with Wanda giving me a plausible reason for Hayden's absolute radio silence, I was free.

But I took it too far.  I threw out a quick text to Hayden.  "Three years of lies.  Thanks."  Within 30 minutes, Wanda was texting me, furious.  Apparently Hayden had texted her; other than tell Wanda what I'd texted, I have no idea what she might have said.  But Wanda was embarrassed, of course.  I made her look stupid, which I didn't intend.  She said she wasn't sure of the truth, but she was sure I was acting obsessed (that was true, I have to admit).  She accused me of acting like a teenager instead of "50 and married," and told me never to text her again.

Oh well.  Fuck her, and fuck Hayden.  This "twist of permanent hate" was necessary.  I finally feel free to move on.  Wanda I could care less about, but for Hayden to dislike me, to hate me, forced me to cut her out of my life.  What good is she to me now?  I deleted Wanda's text and went over to kiss DW and give her a huge hug.   Then I texted Lola and told her how fucking excited I was to see her again next week.  We have a date for Monday afternoon, and I know I'll be free to be 100% present for her.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

An Arrangement With DW?

DW and I are making some adjustments to our finances, and basically, without much effort, we found a way to save about $1,500 a month.

She came home this afternoon while I was working from home, and I told her that we were going to save a lot of money.  She threw her arms around me and kissed me, sticking her tongue in my mouth.  Aggressive!  I was actually a bit taken aback.  She said, "News this good deserves sex, don't you think?"  Take a guess at what my answer was!

We climbed into bed and played around for a while to get warmed up.  I asked her if she wanted me to lick her pussy -- you have to remember that she doesn't like words like "cock" and "pussy" -- and she said, "No, I just want to fuck."  Twist my arm, OK?

After a few minutes of our standard missionary, I grabbed her around the waist and rolled over to put her on top.  I gave her the same treatment I've given countless other girls with whom I've had sex over the last five years: hard pumping, ass-grabbing, titty-sucking, and body-to-body slapping.  She got really wet and moaned an awful lot, but she didn't come.  I did, and it was glorious.

Afterward, she said that saving this much money each month deserved sex at least that often.  So... did my wife just consent to a mutually beneficial arrangement?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Stolen Kiss

Lola found herself on my side of town to get her nails done.  From my office window, I can see the street she'd travel to get to her nail salon.  She'd texted me to say she'd be passing by my building, so I looked out the window and got a glimpse of the top of her silver SUV as she drove by.  I texted her to tell me when she was headed back my way and to meet me behind the building.

When she showed up I walked over to the driver's side and shared a nice little chat.  I hadn't seen her in 10 days so it was nice to get a look at her cute face again.  She had her hair up (she was on her way to the hair salon) and was wearing a white v-neck t-shirt and tight black pants.  Not a stitch of makeup, and so sexy!

I opened the car door and leaned in and stole a few kisses.  That felt really good.  Just a minute or so of a visit but full of anticipation.  We set a date for next Monday at her apartment.  Of course, I'll be blogging about it afterward.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I Had a Dream

Last night I had a dream that I had my closure meeting with Hayden.  I usually don't remember my dreams, but this was unusual because of what happened.

We were in a hotel room, lying next to each other on the bed.  We both had our clothes on.  Hayden and I were discussing what worked and didn't work during our relationship.  We talked about why she couldn't ever tell me that she loved me, even though I knew that she did.  Her face twisted into a sad, pained expression and she said, "I was just so afraid to say it because you told me that you saw our relationship as a 'recapitulation' of your first marriage."  I put that word in quotes because, of course, my id was running this show and Hayden would never have used it under any circumstances.  But I knew what she meant.  Now, in truth, I'd never made any reference to my first marriage as some sort of model for my relationship with Hayden.  Again, my id going wild.

The sentence clobbered me like a ton of bricks and it was clear to me that she had been terrified of "crossing that line" with me because of what it might mean, not only for her but for me as well.  I slapped my hand over my mouth to stifle a loud sob.  I'd clearly hurt her deeply.  My eyes immediately welled up with tears and my body started shaking involuntarily as I silently cried.  I looked her right in the eyes, and she buried her face in a pillow, but I could see that my emotional outburst had also overwhelmed her.  She was also in tears, sobbing in fact, over this revelation.  She'd been holding onto it for a long time and she finally felt free enough to let it go.

I woke up at that moment.  It happened so fast, and I tried to get back to sleep, but to no avail.

What it all meant is a mystery to me.  But in my fantasy of our closure meeting, Hayden does open up and shed tears, relieved that she no longer needs to hide the fact that she did, at some point, love me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Like Lola

Lola and I met for our first encounter a couple of days ago, at a hotel where I had been with Hayden. It would be the only time for us at a hotel, as she agreed to host at her apartment after this.

After I checked in, Lola texted me that she had arrived.  I met her at the elevator and we entered the room together.  This was only the second time I encountered hardwood floors in a hotel room, and it sure did put me off for a bit.  Carpet dampens loud noises, since hotels are notoriously loud places (at least in my opinion).  I was in an ill-fitting suit, which desperately needed a dry cleaning, and she wore black capri pants, a sweater over a white tank top, which barely concealed a polka-dotted bra.  She wore some pretty sex lingerie! 

From the very beginning, this encounter felt like it would be easy, and essentially, it was.  I'm not going to go into every graphic detail of our sexual encounter, but all the standard stuff was there.  One standout moment for me was the fact that she tried like hell to get my whole cock in her mouth, and she came damn near close.  Another noteworthy thing was that her vaginal juices were very thick and sticky.  I'd never experienced that before.  She didn't smell or anything which would have tipped me off that she'd had a yeast infection or something.  But she was wet from the start and very responsive to everything we did.

It was a process to get inside her, as it had been several months since she'd last had sex.  We managed though, as is always the case.  She came twice: once when I was going down on her, and once when she was on top of me.  I came with her on top of me. She was a loud moaner and that was sexy, but I was a little concerned about making too much noise.

After sex, we hung out and chatted.  Her story is interesting and endearing; at this point I knew I liked her.  After leaning in for multiple kisses, I realized that I was getting hard again.  She stroked me and started sucking me again, trying to make me cum.  A second orgasm is always a challenge for me, but I gave it my best.  She even fingered my butt and massaged my prostate to work me up.  Very clever girl!  Only one other girl had done this for me in nearly five years.  After a few minutes, though, I knew I was going to have a hard time climaxing.  She was a little disappointed, and said, "I wanted you to cum in my mouth."  Enough said.  I grabbed a hold of my cock and stroked away.  If there's anyone who can make me cum, it's me!  She put the head in her mouth just as I blew, never taking her finger out of my ass.  Swallowed every drop.  "Ah," I sighed, "happiness is cumming twice."  Ain't that the truth!

Over the last two days, Lola and I have been texting each other constantly.  I really, really like her!  The feeling is mutual at this point.  I don't know, I think an older woman is a better fit for me than someone half my age, even though I like the bodies of the younger girls.  A decent trade if the older woman is really intelligent and is fucking amazing in bed. 

Last night I told her that I was thinking perhaps that we should make our arrangement exclusive. There wouldn't be any monetary benefit for her, but I am sort of not wanting to share her with other "benefactors."  She said, "Let's just see how the next few weeks play out.  I like you!  Is that fair?  Not like I'm hooking up all over anyway!"  Since she is bisexual, I'm sure there will be other women with us in the future, so this is more than fair.

Even though I'm affectionate and loving toward DW, I'm not even a little interested in sex with her right now.  Let's see how THIS plays out.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Developments on the Home Front

DW is on her period today.  Not that it matters; even if she weren't we wouldn't be having sex anyway.

I've accepted the hard reality that DW's default answer when I ask for sex is "No."  A few days ago, early one morning before the kids had gotten up, we were both awake in bed.  She asked me to rub her back and I gladly obliged.  I love touching her, and thought perhaps she'd be open to sex with me.  But of course she wasn't.  In a moment of slight frustration, I said, "Maybe we should just stop having sex.  Maybe we should just take sex out of our relationship altogether."  My thinking was that if she agreed to that, then I'd take the next step, and bring up open marriage.  If she disagreed to it, then I'd have another option.

Well, she did neither.  Probably too tired to get into it, but at this point I'm taking it as a no.  My new default position when it comes to sex with DW is to refrain completely from making attempts to be sexual with her.  I'll kiss her, hug her, compliment her as frequently as I always do, but I will not make a single move toward any type of sexual contact with her.  If she wants to have sex with me, she has to 1) bring it up, and 2) ask for it.  Outside of that, we won't be having sex anymore.  I want to see how long it takes for her to both acknowledge that I haven't brought it up and ask to discuss it with me.

I don't know.  I'm thinking that the light is going out.  At this point, I don't have a clear picture of where I see myself in ten years.  I do know that I won't stop satisfying myself sexually in this way until I lose interest in it.

A New Chapter Begins?

Lola and I are scheduled to have our first date/hook-up this afternoon.  We've both confirmed it.  Now I just need to book a hotel room.  There's an app for that of course, called Hotel Tonight.  I downloaded it to my phone and, the rates are posted at noon.  I've seen some pretty good deals, so we'll see how it goes as opposed to my old standby. Priceline.

Over the past week or so, Lola and I have exchanged texts and had a phone call.  There is some serious chemistry brewing between us, and I'm fairly excited to be with her.  Last night, I trimmed my fingernails (which I always did before meeting with Hayden or any other girl if need be), and this morning, after everyone had left for school and/or work, I trimmed my pubic hair.  I'm fairly hairy and at my age, the hairs are getting grayer, so if I'm hooking up with some new girl who will be sucking on my cock, I want to be presentable.  I certainly don't shave it off, but a good amount of "manscaping" is always a good thing.  I only started doing that last year, and did it twice for Hayden, and once for Wanda, but this is going to be an ongoing thing for me now.

One funny thing happened during my search: a young woman with whom I'd had a pretty hot connection right from the start, had asked me for a picture of my cock.  I sent her one from several years ago, and when she saw it, she immediately rejected an arrangement with me because I failed to trim my hair.  She was actually totally turned off.  That was a first for me.

More to reveal later...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Peeling Back the Onion

In my very first post on this blog, I wrote:

This blog will serve two purposes for me.  First, I'll get to talk about a part of my life that virtually none of my friends or family know about.  It's a bit of a turn on to write about these events in my life.  I'm also not shy about using XXX language to describe my exploits, so I hope you manage to get some of the excitement I felt during the moments of intimacy I've had.  Second, it'll also serve as a confessional of sorts.  I'm a married man, having sex with women who are not my wife.  I know that my actions and decisions have implications in my real life, so I wanted to put these experiences out there to, in a way, let them go and be at peace with them.
Now that I've published 127 posts detailing all my experiences for the past four and a half years, I realize that not only was this a form of entertainment and a confessional, but also my therapy, my discovering who I am.  Even as I enter this new decade of life, even when I am eventually lying on my death bed, I am not and will not be immune from self-reflection, from learning, from discovery. 

I am about to embark on another sex experiment, with Lola, and I do not know where this one will lead.  She is older, more experienced, more mature, and just as sexual as Hayden is/was.  She possesses a lot of the qualities that I like in a sex partner.  She appears to be a bit scatter-brained, which definitely helps me separate her from DW in a way that does not threaten the fabric of my marriage. 

There will be more blogging about my adventures in the future as they happen, but more than those, I will be reflecting on who I am and how I've grown during this process. 

Hayden: A Reflection

During the holiday season, at least for the last several years, I get mushy, sentimental, nostalgic, and deeply reflective.  Could be a product of my advancing years, but who knows?  I typically take stock of the last year and make choices that reflect where I want to go for the next year.

In 2012, I contracted an STI, nearly lost DW twice, and in the space of three weeks in September, changed jobs, hit an unwelcome birthday, and lost Hayden.  I made more money in 2012 than I had in the previous four years before, but I was still about half of where I needed to be to be the sole provider in my home.  I had a short, enjoyable detour with Wanda, but that was now over.  In 2012, I learned that my (former) boss did not have my back as I had once believed, which prompted my decision to switch to another company.  That experience has hardened me as an employee, and I do not trust anyone anymore to be on my side.  No one, I realize, wants to expend the effort needed to foster true teamwork if it means that one has to risk something.  I am, therefore, a more difficult employee at my new job; I don't stand for any shit, and I do not accept being told to wait patiently while things get done.  If I'm not pushing, nothing gets done.  But I digress.

The holidays, mercifully, were a welcome and warm end to the year.  We hosted Thanksgiving and had over twenty people over, and it was, surprisingly, a very mellow affair.  On Christmas we decided to do something different, so DW and I took the kids to the movies and then out for Chinese food (just like in "A Christmas Story").  New Year's Eve was spent at a neighbor's party, and although I wasn't going to drink, I had two martinis and got hammered.  We were all in bed by 10:30, and woke up to enjoy the Rose Parade and all the football games on TV.

But once the holidays ended is when I started getting incredibly moody and emotional.  I was constantly thinking of Hayden.  I felt like Forrest Gump, always turning his thoughts to Jenny.  The one love that got away.  Hayden was the love that changed my life forever, who opened me up and helped me discover who I was.  My sexuality had always been, for me, a source of shame and embarrassment.  Five years spent in intensive therapeutic work had provided a great deal of support while I was off center following my separation and eventual divorce from my first wife, but eventually became a detour that did nothing to help me come to terms with my sexuality.  In Hayden, I had a regular, willing, welcome, and accepting sexual partner for the first time in my entire life.  Of course, I also wished that DW could be that partner, but once it was clear to me that she was not and would never be that partner, I began a search for someone like that.  It took a year and a half, but Hayden found me.  What began as a short-term, recreational relationship that was all about sexual release became a transformational experience that came to define me as a man.  Here was a woman who accepted me as I was, who was excited about being with me, and who gave me her body as willingly and enthusiastically as I gave her mine.  And I was able to have her and be a good husband and father at the same time.  I was able to let go of a large portion of my resentment toward DW for not being that woman for me.  I was able to be progressively more successful at work, AND to have sexual detours with other women as the need arose.  I was able, for the most part, to let go of jealousy and possessiveness and let Hayden grow and mature in her relationship with her BF.  And even though I knew that eventually, when she left, I'd feel pain and sadness, I walked willingly into that pain.  In my heart I know that this process, eventually, will make me stronger, both as a lover and a husband.

But there was the nagging fact of Hayden's continued translucence when it came to her feelings as they pertained to us.  I was transparent, an open book, with her, and never held back.  When I felt something, she knew about it, in the way I liked to share it with her: mostly, through sex, through my orgasm, through giving her orgasms.  As a wise man I knew once told me, the sexual act is a man's best method for showing his woman that he loves her.  Hayden was not quite opaque with her feelings, but she certainly wasn't as forthcoming with them as I was.  This is what I mean by "translucence."  I could read them, but they were obscured by other things.  Hayden was forever guarded, and it was something I could never quite crack with her.  There is a song I love, called "Things She Said," that summed her up in a lot of ways:
And though she hears the rumors of intention
And many times I've failed to hide my stare
She will not breach a hint of indecision
She will not ever bend to show her care.
When Hayden and I made love, however, I felt her feelings for me.  Her longing, her craving, and her lust -- absolutely no question.  But I also felt her kindness, her warmth, and her vulnerability.  When she'd call me "sexy" and then stand up for it when I'd challenge her to tell me how she thought I was sexy.  Those moments were, for me, particular poignant.  There weren't a lot of women, DW included, who ever really told me that I was sexy.  With Hayden, I felt sexy and I was sexy.  I felt masculine, strong, and powerful.  I felt desirable, I felt wanted, and I felt appreciated.  (I felt these things with DW in pieces, but never all together, and especially not in the last four years.)  When she'd say things like that, she'd reach my heart.  After enough times, I guess, she stuck there.

There were other signs of Hayden's feelings for me.  Mostly in her choice of words.  "I care deeply for you, Porter."  "It's inappropriate for me to tell you I love you."  "I don't want to cross the line with you, Porter."  "Being with you makes my relationship (with BF) better."  "We broke up." 

I believe strongly that, over time, Hayden came to love me.  If it wasn't love, then it was about as close as one can get to love without calling it love.  Perhaps it scared her to feel that way about someone she knew was unavailable, particularly when she was in love with someone else.  Of course, I understood that.  Maybe she really did need time and space to clear her feelings for me away so she could be fully present for her BF and really commit to this next chapter of her life.  If he's the one she's going to marry, she couldn't very well maintain any kind of relationship with the guy she'd been cheating on him with for two years, could she?  But I don't know.

Perhaps the real Hayden I was with was the young party girl who told me way back in November 2009, when I was having financial difficulties and wanted to see her once or twice without the allowance: "This doesn't really work without the money."  Maybe it was only just a "strong sexual connection."  She also said at one point, "I really care about you Porter, but I don't love you."  This was even before I told her in 2011 that I loved her.  But I don't know.

See, "I don't know" is the problem for me.  I just don't know how she felt about me, about our relationship.  She would not ever bend to show her care.  I believe this is the source of my pain today. This is why her staying completely out of touch for the past three months has left me feeling lost.  Knowing would give me back my rudder, would help me get back to my center, and help me to focus on moving forward. 

Next month will be six months since I last saw Hayden, nearly five months since we last talked, and over four months since we last communicated.  I had always intended to check in with her at that time, mostly just to stay in touch.  But, because I've been really needing closure for our relationship, I'm going to ask her again to give me an hour of her time.  Even though she lives so far away, I'd be willing to go to her for that one hour.  And, instead of a typical email message, I'm going to record my request on video.  I think if she can see my face, look at my eyes, and hear the pain in my voice (I still get very choked up whenever I talk about her), she might be persuaded to meet me.  I don't think she wants me to be hurting like this, and if she knew that I was, maybe she'd see me. 

I just want to hear her tell me, without the money hanging over our heads, exactly how she felt about the relationship, how she felt about me, how the relationship affected her.  If it's just to tell me that all of this love stuff was in my head and that she never loved me, that it was only a financial arrangement with great sex, that would be better than not knowing.  I could be angry at her, but I could let her go.  If it's to tell me that she did, in fact, love me, but couldn't bring herself to admit it to my face because it was pointless to do so when nothing could ever come of it, that would be better than not knowing.  I could thank her for being honest, give her a hug, and drive home,  knowing that the love I gave her was returned.  I could finally move on, with no more strings.  Whatever she could tell me would be better than this not knowing.

The Last Text

Early October, 2012 --

For the past week, I've been completely numb, non-functional, and lost.  Having Hayden leave to be with her BF has been a devastating loss for me.  Not because she chose him over me; I never expected there to be a future with her, although it was a fantasy that I unfortunately chose to indulge.  Even though Wanda was now a fairly decent sexual outlet for me, Hayden was more than that by far; Hayden was a woman to whom I gave my heart, my love.  But now she was gone, and I had no one else to receive that love.  You might say, "Porter, you have a wife and children.  Give it to them, you idiot!"  Of course, I always give them my love.  The kind of love I reserved for Hayden, however, was more of a friendship love.  That was it; it was like I'd lost a dear friend.  Hayden knew more about me over the past three years than anyone had, and now I don't really have that anymore.  Luke knew a lot, but not everything.  He didn't know that Hayden and I had been together for three years.

I decided to send Hayden a text to say hello, and to wish her well again.  I needed the contact with her.

"Hi Angel.  When's your moving date?"

"Hey.  It's all up in the air right now, but it's happening soon."

I saw an opening and seized the opportunity right away.

"Hey, is there any chance that you could squeeze me in for an hour?  I really need to see you."

"Honestly, Porter, I'm just ready to move on.  I'm super busy right now, and I just don't think I can deal with it."

Deal with "it?"  What was "it?"  The time?  Seeing me?  Seeing me get emotional?

I decided not to confront her.

"I understand.  Am I never going to hear from you again?"

"Well, we broke up, so I'm probably not going to text you for awhile."

"We didn't break up.  We mutually decided that it was time to move on."

But she didn't respond.  "We broke up" was the last text I got from her.  I deleted the text from my phone, and just sat at my desk and hung my head.

Another Asian

Late September, 2012 --

From the Sugar Daddy website, I got a message from Song, an Asian woman in her late twenties who lived alone and was interested in meeting me.  She was very sexual, sending me very hot pictures of her body and asking for a shot of my cock.  I sent her a great shot and she responded, "Oh, that's my cock!  All mine!"  Our text messages were very hot and we learned pretty much everything we needed to know about each other sexually through those texts.  Of particular interest to me was the fact that she was on the pill and very open to bareback sex once trust had been established (six visits) and testing completed.  That really got my attention.

I told her that I was searching still (even though I figured I'd probably stay with Wanda since she lived so close), but that I wanted to meet her at her place.   She was open to it, and we set a time for the next week.

Early October 2012 --

Song's apartment was in an old, renovated building.  It looked like an old hotel.  Her apartment was so tiny.  Her bed and a dresser were the only pieces of furniture in the main room, and there was a tiny kitchen and a bathroom/closet on the other side.  It was a dark room, with no air conditioning, but a big ceiling fan.

We had pretty amazing sex.  Song was very aggressive with her tongue during kissing, and I liked that.  She had a great body.  And she liked both giving and receiving oral sex, which was a first for me with an Asian girl.  One thing I found a little strange, however, was that she didn't get very wet when I was down on her.  We also really loaded up with lube during intercourse.  But we both came and it was fun.  I hung out with her for a while and then showered up before leaving.

With Wanda being so close to my office, however, I knew that Song was probably a one-off.  Still, I couldn't resist trying to see if she'd want to play with me on the side for free.  Of course, she wasn't, and she laid into me with a string of insults that I won't repeat here.  Suffice it to say, she was a one-off, although she did text me weeks later to tell me that I missed her and needed her.  What a crazy woman.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Last Phone Call

Late September, 2012 --

The afternoon after my first time with Wanda, Hayden texted me.  "Hey, sorry I was sleeping when you texted.  Can I call you?"  "Of course," I replied.  I quickly shut my office door, and the phone was ringing before I sat back down.

I told Hayden that Wanda and I were going to make a go of it, but that I had a plan for our last three times together.  First the threesome, then one more time with Hayden alone, then a final goodbye with no sex so we could say the things that we've never told each other. 

Without warning, Hayden then dropped the bomb.  Plans have changed.  Her roommate was moving out because her mom took ill, and rather than wait until the end of October as she had planned, she was moving in with her BF right away, in two weeks, and she couldn't see me anymore.

Of course, I was instantly emotional, and she heard me crying.  She got a little uncomfortable and said I shouldn't  be sad because we'd had such a great time together for three whole years.  I asked her if we could make time to see each other just once, just to say goodbye, no sex.  I said, I need it because I think there are things that have been unsaid on both sides and this would be a good thing to leave it all behind us. After all, we were probably never going to see each other again.

Hayden refused.  She said she needed to do it this way for her benefit, since she was just too busy, and that she really had nothing more to say to me about me or our relationship that hadn't already been said. I knew she was lying to me.  She loved me, I knew that!  She was running from my feelings and her own. 

I tried in vain to convince her to see me when she came into town, but that was not going to happen.  She said she was going to give monogamy a chance to work.  Besides, she said, her BF and her had talked on the trip and she said he had agreed to try bringing other girls into bed with them.  Oh, I said, that's good.  Hope that works for you.

She said she would never forget me. I said you know I'll remember you forever.  "I'll really miss you, Porter."

"Good luck, angel.  I'll love you forever."

For about an hour, I just sat there, eyes red, nose running.  It was really over this time.  I was never going to see my angel again.  Hayden was gone, probably forever.

Wanda -- and Hayden Returns

Mid September 2012 --

This month brought a new job, a trip out of town, a big milestone birthday and a month without Hayden.

While out of town, I tried with all my might to hook up with a girl.  I had one set up, a medical student named Audrey, but she chickened out at the last minute and we didn't make it work.  While away, I also had a couple of text conversations with girls back home with whom I thought I could hook up after I returned, but none of them really panned out.

Before Hayden left, she gave Wanda my phone number, and we met on September 18 at a coffee shop near my new office.  Wanda was in her early twenties, 5'11", had curly-ish light brown hair, and had a very fresh look that was very girl-next-door.  I liked her right away.  She was extremely bright, articulate, and beautiful.  We made plans to meet up the following Monday.  She had her own apartment within walking distance, and $500 was fine with her.  This could work!

That next Monday, Wanda and I met at her apartment.  It was a neat one bedroom, in direct contrast with Hayden's cluttered mess, so I felt right at home.

Our first time having sex was pretty good. She had an all natural body and beautiful tits.  She didn't have an orgasm, but I felt pretty good.  It was so different having sex with a very tall girl.  When I was down on her, I could barely wrap my arms around her thighs to reach around and tease her clit with my fingers while licking her.  I improvised and made it work, but she was a little nervous.  Getting inside her was a challenge, as it usually was with someone new.  The first time a girl gets a look at my erect cock, they get scared that it's not going to fit.  But it always does!

Later that afternoon, I texted Hayden to see if she was home.  No response.  She was probably sleeping after the trip.

Our Last Time?

Mid August 2012 --

I met Hayden at her apartment at 10 am, when her roommate had left for work.  We fucked all over her bedroom and had a blast.  We tried it standing up for the first time...didn't work, really. 

As we talked afterward, I told her I had a bucket list of things I wanted to do with her before she left.  She did too, but I went first.

First, I wanted to have another threesome with her, this time with her friend Wanda.  She promised she would do that in October.  Then, I wanted to have same room sex with another couple.  That would be a little tricky, but she thought she could swing it.

I also wanted to have a 24-hour date with her.  I'd show up in the morning, have sex with her, we'd clean up, then go for a hike in the mountains, come back, fuck again, shower, leave for a hotel, fuck again, then go out and have dinner, see a movie, or catch some music, then back to the hotel to fuck and sleep, then wake up early, fuck, eat breakfast, then I'd drive her home.  All mid-week.  She liked that idea, she said, especially all the fucking.  She thought we could make that happen.

The last two things, were non-sexual.  First I wanted to hear her say that she loved me, even if she didn't mean it.  I told her that I knew she did, and she could even say it while she was fucking me so it wouldn't count.  She said she would say it on our last day together.  I looked forward to hearing her say it.

Finally, I wanted to set up an elaborate way for her and DW to meet without DW knowing it.  I said that my birthday was coming up and that DW was throwing me a dinner with a bunch of friends at a local restaurant.  I wanted her to be there on that night, with her BF or a girlfriend.  At some point in the evening, my friends would sing Happy Birthday.  At that point, Hayden would tell her BF or GF, "Let's do something totally random.  Let's buy that guy a drink for his birthday."  The drink would arrive, the server would point out where it came from, and I'd raise my glass in Hayden's direction, then ask her and her companion to join us at the table.  At that point, I'd introduce her to DW and everyone else.  My friend Luke would be there, so he'd have to be in on the ruse, and he'd propose a picture of me and Hayden and DW.  That would be a fucking night to remember, and the best birthday gift I could ever imagine.  Hayden said she could never hold it together and make it believable, and would never bring her BF along anyway.  I so wanted to meet the guy who'd won her heart though, but it was probably not going to happen.  Oh well, great fantasy though.

Late August 2012 --

I tried to set up another date with Hayden before she left for another trip with her BF in September, but it didn't happen.  She said she was too busy with her business to spare the time, and she wouldn't be working while travelling so she needed to get stuff done now.  She said she would be back in late September, and we'd finish up at the end of October.

A Reflection on Asian Women

August 2012 --

After Michelle, I'd decided I'd had it with Asian girls.  Including her, I'd fucked seven Asian girls in four years.  Only one of them more than once.  And except for Zen, they were all a bit off in the head.  I neglected to mention two of the girls that I'd fucked.  One was Jayde, who I'd met in October 2011.  Jayde had the distinction of being the only girl of all the girls I'd fucked who let me fuck her bareback and come inside her.   It was a complete spur of the moment thing.  We'd made a date that morning to meet at her apartment in the afternoon.  As I was walking to my car, I texted her that I was on the way, but would have to stop for condoms beforehand.  "Or," I joked, "we could go bareback."  Jayde's answer was astonishing: "I'm on the pill, so that would be OK so long as you've been tested."  I told her the truth that it had been six months since my last test but I hadn't been with anyone else unprotected except my wife.  She accepted that.  When I got to her place, Jayde was in her bathrobe.  She was a beautiful Thai girl in her late twenties, with nice natural tits and full lips.  I asked to see her pills, and she showed them to me.  I was OK.  No condom.

I learned that Jayde didn't like to have orgasms through oral sex, just fucking, so my formidable oral talents went unheralded.  She sucked dick pretty well, but she really just wanted my cock. I got inside her.  It was so unusual for me to fuck without a condom, and I was not used to the amazing feeling of a new pussy without being wrapped in latex.  I came pretty quickly, and she didn't come at all.  I was not able to get it up again, so she was unsatisfied.  No worries, I said, next time you'll cum hard.  I was out $400 this time, and I liked Jayde, but I knew there would probably not be a next time.  However, two weeks later I fucked her again, again it was bareback, but this time, I was able to hold out and fuck her till she came at least twice.  I pulled out and ejaculated all over her body and face.  That was the last time I saw her.

The other Asian girl I didn't mention was Julie, a Japanese girl in her late twenties who lived alone near the rich part of town.  Her profile said she was a model.  When I showed up, a just showered, flat-chested girl answered the door in a kimono.  She wanted $300, so I handed it over right away.  Her english was very limited.  This girl was an escort.  We got into bed and she massaged me.  I kept sticking my ass up in the air because I wanted her to rim me and finger my ass, but she didn't do it.  She didn't like oral either (WTF?), but she loved it when I stroked her small tits and pinched her very erect nipples.  When it came time to fuck, she straddled me reverse cowgirl and  rode me, leaning back so I could stroke her tits some more.  I wanted to change positions, so I had her sit up.  When I looked down at my wrapped cock, there was blood everywhere, very bright red blood.  Fuck, she'd gotten her period!  Her blood was all over both of us.  She apologized and got a towel to clean us up.  I demanded a blow job, which she gave me, poorly.  I started jerking off, and when I was ready to cum, I told her to suck and stroke me.  She started stroking, but wouldn't suck.  I pushed her head toward my cock, and exploded a powerful stream of jizz that struck her right in the face.  HAHAHAHA!  I was so glad that that happened.  This bitch was, sorry to say, a waste of my money except for that moment.  I got up, took a COLD shower since her hot water didn't work, and got the fuck out of there.

After Sha, Alexis, Ugly Asian Girl, Selena, Zen, Kim, Jayde, Julie, and Michelle, I was fed up with Asians.  They were for the most part fucked up in the head, and I was sexually incompatible with nearly all of them.  Perhaps there was something cultural going on, but they exhibited anger at the slightest provocation and had a sexual weirdness that was totally out of left field.  Goodbye to my Asian girls, never again!

More Asian Persuasion

August 2012 --

I met Michelle, a Chinese girl who had no experience as a mistress.  She was 28, lived with her boyfriend, and was a student.  We met at a hotel in a neighborhood I'd never been in before, but it was cheap and clean.

She showed up, and we talked for a bit to get her at ease, which was very difficult.  She was a terrible lay, totally inexperienced, but she had the wettest pussy I've ever experienced before.  She told me that she got wet very easily.

I wasted $500 on this girl.  Next!

Searching Again

July 2012 --

I went back to the Sugar Daddy website and found a bunch of available women.  It seemed like there were always about 30 women I could choose from each time.

First was Guam, who was from, well, Guam!  She was a cute college student of 24.  Unfortunately, didn't like her teeth, and she was a little too overweight for me.

Next was Emma, a Brit girl.  Took her to lunch.  She was also cute, but dumpy and a tad heavy for me.

Third was Joni.  I've written about her before, but you don't know how it happened.  She was a an east coast girl, new to town, a songwriter, and in her early twenties.  We spoke on the phone the first day, and we hit it off so powerfully I thought I'd found my girl.  We made a date for lunch and sex afterward, and it would be $500.  She wanted $750, but she accepted my proposal when I pointed out that no one so far had hit her up for that amount.  She booked the hotel during lunch, wanting to make sure that I was a good guy.  The room was $270!  She agreed to pay half of it, since it was so last minute.  I drove her (she didn't have a car) and I to the hotel.  She checked in and then I came up. 

Joni was a pot smoker, and had her medical marijuana card.  She offered me hits, but I declined.  She sat by the room window and took a few hits from her pipe before we started.  Her kisses were amazing, such soft lips.  Her body wasn't ideal.  A little chubby around the middle, not toned, a little flat-chested, and she didn't shave her pussy, but she was cute and I liked her so it was not an obstacle.  Joni, however, was amazingly talented in bed.  She gave me what I consider the best blow-job I've ever had.  I literally had chills going up and down my body and goosebumps while I was in her mouth.  I repaid her the favor by giving her a massive orgasm with my tongue and fingers.  We fucked each other senseless, sweating like athletes, exhausted, but still going.  She came at least four or five times.  I wanted to get off in that mouth, so I cleaned up and she sucked me off.  Oh my God, what a pleasure that was!  She didn't swallow but took every drop of me before spitting it out.  She came back to the bed and snuggled in with me.  I thought that I'd found the new girl.  We hung out and she sang me some songs, smoked some more pot, and told me her story.  She's got a bit of drama going, so it gave me pause. Mostly around men taking advantage of her.  I drove her back to the corner near her house where I'd picked her up, and kissed her goodbye.

The next week or so, I texted her often.  At one point, she got mad and texted me, "Listen, I'm a busy girl and I can't have you texting me so often.  I just want to text when it's time to plan the next time."  I replied that I liked to keep in touch since we would only be together every other week. She said that was fine, just not so much.  Then she turned on me and said that perhaps this wasn't a good fit after all.  I didn't argue.  The drama was not something I wanted right now.  We were done.

Finally, there was Jugs.  I'd written about Jugs before.  Jugs was in her mid-thirties and in marketing.  This woman was seriously sexual.  Our first phone conversation got so hot we nearly made plans to fuck an hour later.  During the call, we discussed the arrangement terms.  Every other week was a bit of a problem for her.  She said she knew she would want sex more often than that, and said that she would probably have to call me every so often just to come over to her place and fuck her.  Fine, I said, but you gotta understand that it would be outside our arrangement.  I'll be your booty call anytime, I said, but if you're initiating it, then it's on you.  If I wanted to see you more often, of course I'd expect to invest more in our arrangement.  She was totally agreeable.  We made a date for lunch the next day.

This was a day that I was working from home.  DW had come home just before I was to leave.  She wanted to have lunch together.  I told her I had some appointments outside the office and had already eaten lunch, and then took off.  I arrived at the restaurant near the beach.  The small place was empty except for one other couple on the patio.  Jugs got out of her car. She was slightly heavier than her pictures, and she looked a little older than her stated age.  We sat inside.  Jugs wore a green dress that accentuated her, well, Jugs.  She touched me a lot, leaned over a lot to show me her cleavage, and touched me with her feet.  The waiters in the restaurant saw all of this, but she didn't seem to care.  I was just a little uneasy about it.  I was wearing my ring, but it didn't matter to her.  I looked uncomfortable because I was.  We finished lunch and left, then went out into the parking lot.  "Wanna drive me to my car?" she asked.  "Where is it?" I replied.  She pointed to a green car within steps of where we were standing.  "OK," I said, but I'm way over there.  "Good," she cooed.  We got into my car and we kissed madly.  I grabbed her tits and squeezed.  They were surprisingly firm.  My cock was rock hard.  "Let's go to your house," I said. "No," she answered.  "First time at a hotel, and no freebies, dude.  Five hundred, like we agreed."  I kissed her some more, and she was getting very excited.  She slinked down in the passenger's seat and spread her legs to give me access to her pussy.  She'd told me on our phone call that she was hypersexual and got wet with just a touch, and she was not kidding.  Her underwear was soaked.  I slipped a finger under the material, and felt my finger instantly slide inside her.  She gasped, and I said, "Holy shit, you're so wet!"  "See?" she laughed.  "Oh my god," I said, "this is so tempting, but I should go."  We agreed to meet the next week.

Unfortunately that never happened.  I got home and entered the lunch into my company's expense reimbursement system, then absent-mindedly threw away the receipt.  You can guess what happened next.  DW found it later that night as she was cleaning up.  Again, she accused me of cheating, mostly because I had a really shitty lie of a story.  I won't go into all the details, but the story morphed into me not planning to have lunch with anyone since I'd already had lunch, but one client asked if I'd join her.  She was attractive, and she started coming onto me at the restaurant almost right away, touching me inappropriately.  I kept telling her to stop, but she wouldn't.  I got the check and paid the bill and got out of there after telling her that I was uncomfortable with what she did.  But, I "admitted" to DW, it turned me on to have a woman come onto me that way so assertively, and I was scared to tell you because I knew you'd overreact, just like last time.  She bought it.  Whew.  Bullet dodged.  Later, I texted Jugs, sorry, but I gotta call it off.  You were great, but you were, in fact, so hot, that I felt it would have been dangerous for me to consummate anything for fear of going too far with you.  She understood and we had an amicable goodbye.

Blue...

Early July 2012 --

It was a gorgeous summer afternoon, and I had scored a five-star hotel on Priceline for $125.  It was full of business executives and high-end tourists.  I checked in early and Hayden showed up about 20 minutes later.  I had already showered and was in a robe when she walked through the door, which I'd left propped open. 

"Hi," she singsonged as she walked into my arms.  We hugged tightly and kissed a long time.

"You look beautiful," I said.  She said thanks and we sat down on the bed.

"There's much to talk about, Hayden, and it's pretty heavy, but let's play first and then we can get to it."

"OK, sexy."

I asked her not to wear any special lingerie for me this time, but just to bring regular clothes and let me undress her.  Of course, she obliged, as always. 

Our eventual end was on my mind and I couldn't escape it, which was causing me to have trouble achieving orgasm.  "Sorry, angel," I said, "and I didn't even drink today!"

"It's OK, we'll take a break," she reassured me.  After talking a while, she said, "Y'know how we've talked about doing things we've never done before?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanna see you get yourself off in front of me.  I wanna watch cum coming out of your cock."

"Now?"

"Yeah!  Think you can do it?"

"For you, I'll do it."

I asked her to get me started, but she wanted me to do this all by myself.  She did give me a very hot kiss though.  So, closing my eyes, I started stroking myself.  Midway through, I asked her if she was enjoying this.  "You have no idea, babe," she said.  She took my hand and put it on her pussy.  She was wetter than I'd ever felt before, just dripping.  "This is so hot," she said.

I didn't need much encouragement after that.  I talked dirty to her and she lay beside me, stroking my chest and nuzzling my neck.  When the time came, I told her I was going to come, and she looked down at my cock.  Knowing that sometimes my orgasms can be pretty intense, I pointed my cock straight up toward the ceiling.  My jizz shot out at least a foot high and got all over both of us.  I came for what seemed like 30 seconds.  When it was over, we both laughed.  "That was so hot," she repeated.  "So fucking hot!" 

"Glad to oblige, angel!"

I hadn't masturbated in front of a woman in over 15 years, before I even started dating DW.  I'd forgotten how awesome that could be.  Again, Hayden was opening up my sexuality.  Me, at my age, being guided by a much younger woman.

We cleaned up and got dressed together.  Instead of leaving separately, I asked if I could buy her a drink in the bar.  She agreed, but because of her illness, had stopped drinking, so we had mineral water.  I just didn't want our date to end.

It just came out.  "I don't want you to go, Hayden.  Please don't leave."

"Babe..."

"I know.  I just wish there was a way to keep you here.  I wish I could afford to support you and my family at the same time."

"You would do that?"

"Yep."

"You're so sweet, babe.  You know that I have to go, though, right?"

"Of course."

"I love him too much."

"Do me a favor, angel.  I know this'll probably never happen, but I have to ask."

"OK."

"In 10 years, my kids will be adults.  Our age difference, which is significant now, won't matter so much as you'll be 35, and you'll have lived a lot of life.  If you're single in 10 years, I want to marry you.  If you're single when you're 35, I want you to find me.  This is why I want to stay in touch with you over the years.  You can find me on Facebook; I'm always there."

"You'd marry me? You'd leave your wife?"

"Absolutely.  The way things are going now, I'm not sure we'll make it another year, let alone 10."

"Wow."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes.  OK."

So I think I'd just proposed marriage to Hayden in 10 years' time.  What was I thinking?  More to be revealed, but the quick answer is, I love her and want to be with her.  Our age difference won't really matter in 10 years.  She'll be 35, and will have lived much more life, and we'll have more in common and be able to relate better to each other.  I couldn't divorce DW with the kids being so young now, but in 10 years?  They'll be independent adults.  That would be the time to end my marriage, if that's what I wanted to do.  It's just the way I'm thinking today.

In any event, who's to know if she'll be single?  It's just a crazy request anyway.  She'll be leading a fabulous life with her husband, maybe a kid or two.  Who knows? 

Hayden and I walked to the parking valet and said goodbye when my car showed up.  It's so awkward saying goodbye to her in public, because she won't let me kiss her.  Just a hug and a peck, and I'm gone.  Since this would be one of our final times together, I want to make them all special.

It was time, however, to start thinking about the next girl.

The End is Near

June 2012 --

During my alone times, I would realize that we were going to have to wind down our relationship pretty soon.  I sure didn't want to see her move away, but it was inevitable.  I started thinking about ways that I could get her to stay.  Could I ever make things work with her?  Could we actually have a shot at a future together?  Various strategies bounced around in my love-addled brain, but it was no use. 

The thing was, I just couldn't bear the idea of getting a call or a text from Hayden telling me that her BF had asked her to move in with him, or worse, proposed, and that our relationship had to end immediately.  Thinking it through, they would reach two years in July, around her birthday, and I figured he would probably ask her then.  That would mean she'd have to wind up her life in our town, prepare for a move, etc.  She had told me earlier that when she does move, she won't move into his condo because it was too small.  He'd have to find a bigger apartment (with all the shit she had strewn about her bedroom all the time, that much was obvious!).  So that would mean a delay in finding a place.  I settled on end of October, mid-November for the end.

Hayden and I met at the same high-rise hotel where we'd met in April.  After making love, we lay in bed chatting.  Again, I told her that I loved her, and asked her if she felt my love for her today.  She said she did.  I said, "I still don't understand why you think it's inappropriate to tell me you love me.  I know you do."

"It's just inappropriate, that's all."

"Why are you with me?  Why do you stay with me?"

"We have an amazing sexual connection."

"That's it?"

"Yes, Porter, that's it!  I don't want to lie to you."

"You're telling me that in all this time, nearly three years, you keep coming back just for the sex?  I find that so unbelievable, Hayden.  The sex is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but it wouldn't be this wonderful if it weren't for an equally amazing emotional connection."

"Yes, Porter, I care deeply for you.  You've been so good to me, and yes, it does make the sex better.  You've helped me a great deal in a lot of ways."

I wasn't going to get her to admit that she loved me, no matter how hard I tried.  Besides, I just couldn't bring myself to have an argument with a woman who was in love with someone else about her feelings for me.  This was as far as she was willing to go.

"Listen, angel, we need to talk about how we wind this thing down.  Time is running out on us."

"I know," she sighed.

"We're going on three years next month."

"It's crazy!"

"And you're going on two years with your boyfriend.  He's already asked you to move in with him once, and you gave him a year. That's up next month too.  You can't say no this time or else he'll question your commitment."

"Actually if he doesn't ask me I'll question his  commitment."

"I get it.  But I don't want his asking you to be the reason this ends.  I want it to be on our terms.  We determine when that is, together, and we stick to it, and work toward a goodbye date.  And our times together between now and then we can do things we haven't done yet."

"OK."

"When do you want to do that?  Do you think you'll move this summer?"

"No, I already told him I was gonna sign another six-month lease in August.  So that would be February before I move. He still has to find a place for us to move into together.  I'm not moving into his place."

"Oh...OK," I said, realizing that we had more time.

"But I was thinking we stop around Thanksgiving, just before Christmas."

"It'd be a slow period anyway."

So that was settled.  Our last date would be right after Thanksgiving, first week in December.

"Infatuation"

May 2012 --

Hayden's work, my work, and other obstacles had prevented us from having a second visit in April.  We found another hotel this time, one very close to her home.  It was a full-on suite for less than $150!  Score!

I got there before her, took a shower, put on a robe, and watched TV till she arrived.  We sat in the living room for a minute before she excused herself to change out of her clothes.  As usual, she emerged wearing lingerie, this time one of the outfits I'd bought for her in 2010.  She was so thoughtful.  On a whim, I looked to see if she was wearing the necklace I'd bought her, but she wasn't.  I asked her if she still had it.

"I do, but I don't wear it much.  I'm too afraid to lose it.  I lose jewelry all the time."

"Could you wear it for me next time?"  She said she would.

Sex between us was still unbelievably passionate and hot, but it had taken on a new dimension: finality.  I sensed that although she was fully present, it was a real stretch for her now to be with me.  Between trying to earn a living after college graduation (which wasn't going particularly well), dealing with her illness and medications and dietary changes, travelling out of town every weekend to see her BF, a new roommate, and ongoing financial issues, there was no denying that our relationship was the most expendable thing on her plate. 

Lying in bed with her, I could not keep my feelings in check.  I loved this woman, and she had to hear me say it over and over.  "I know," she said, "it's puppy love."

"Huh?" I said.

"You're infatuated with me.  You can't be in love with me.  It's just an obsession."

"Well, angel, you couldn't be more wrong," I said.  "This is the real deal.  I know the difference between infatuation and love.  I don't have some little crush because you're such a great fuck, or even a great person.  I'm not even obsessed, unless it's with all the great sex we have.  No, babe, I truly, completely love you.  I think about you all the time, I wonder if you're happy, I worry about your health, your business -- I wish I could offer you mentorship there, but it looks like your boyfriend has that under control.  I would do anything I could for you, angel, sacrifice all I could.  You're so important to me. Don't you realize how you've changed me?"

"Tell me."

"When I met you, I was pretty fucking wounded.  I'd been through a few of these 'arrangements,' but nothing prepared me for this thing with you.  With those other women, it was all about getting laid.  My sexuality demanded it.  But with you, and with all the great things that we've done together and for all this time, I've learned that my sexuality is a core part of who I am.  Before, I was ashamed, I felt guilty, that I wanted to have sex with other women, and as often as I could.  Now, I'm completely at home with who I am.  Monogamy is not my thing; I know that now, because of you.  You drew that out of me, by accepting me for who I was and not judging me.  Maybe the money played a part in it a bit, but I never gave you so much that it was a compelling reason for you to stay with me.  Like you said when The Dancer was with us, you would not be with me if you didn't find me attractive, sexy, and sweet.  I never saw myself as sexy before, angel; you helped me see that.  No one's called me 'sexy' for a really long time..."  I started to get emotional.  "That really means a lot to me.  The way you see me.  I feel your emotional connection every time we're together, when we kiss, when I'm inside you, when you cum.  I know how you feel about me.  I wish you'd say it, but... that's why I love you, and that's why I know it's real, not 'infatuation.'"

Hayden was pretty speechless.  She came over and kissed me, putting her arms around me.  We played a while and I got hard again, but we didn't have sex again.  Unfortunately, we're a one-time thing because she gets very sensitive after having an orgasm (or three). 

We didn't really discuss it but from this point forward we would only get together once a month.

Reunion

April 2012 --

Hayden and I had a semi-tense reunion.  We had to go to a hotel, because she had moved in February, and now had a roommate who was pretty much always there during the times we usually met.  For this reunion, I selected the high-rise hotel where we'd had our second encounter.

There just wasn't a lot to talk about.  Hayden really wanted to avoid the topic altogether because it made her angry.  She wasn't talking to The Dancer, but she said she wasn't writing off her friendship altogether since The Dancer felt so bad, and since she was a victim in this too.  After all, she didn't know her BF was infected.  I told her that anyone who has unprotected sex with anyone should undergo regular testing, and what was she doing fucking this guy anyway without a condom?  Hayden said that The Dancer was hoping to get pregnant and be taken care of.  Holy shit, I said.  Please don't ever bring her around again.

Hayden said she would never have another threesome again.  I called bullshit because she loves sex too much.  Hayden maintained that she did not want to jeopardize her relationship with her BF ever again, and threesomes just weren't worth the risk.  I understood that; I wasn't all that enamored of them anymore, but still the one we'd had was pretty fucking hot, and I would do it again under more controlled circumstances.

I told Hayden about how things resolved with DW and me, but that things were still pretty tense.  I asked her again about how things had resolved with her BF.  I still couldn't believe that he had bought her story, since it was so lame.  I'd suggested earlier that she just admit to him that she'd had sex with a girl who had gotten her infected.  Sex with a girl wouldn't have been a threat to their relationship since Hayden wasn't gay or really even bisexual.  Hayden rejected that idea in a heartbeat, saying that her BF would have left her over that.  He was very jealous, very insecure, and pretty old-fashioned (even though he spent a lot of time doing business with pornographers).  Springing an admission like that on him would have freaked him out, particularly when he was planning to ask her again to move in with him.  I got it.

We kissed and made love and held each other after.  Things had changed; it was obvious.  We'd been together for over two and a half years, and we had done a lot and had tons of good memories.  This one, however, was traumatic, and while it didn't exactly drive a wedge between us, it brought into relief that this relationship was essentially frivolous and perhaps less worth the effort than we had been putting into it.

Hayden said that we'd have to do hotels from this point forward, which of course I accepted.

I could see that time was not our friend at this point.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Most Memorable Sexual Experience of My Life, Part Four

-- continued

I got back to the office, got my cell phone, and stepped outside to call DW.  Here we go.

"I have an infection in my penis, and I'm sure I gave it to you."

"What?"

A week or so ago, I was feeling an itch in my penis.  At first I thought I'd gotten soap in my urethra, which sometimes happens, and it usually goes away in a day.  But this didn't go away.  I went to the doctor yesterday, and he couldn't give me any results for 10 days.  He sent me to an STD clinic --"

"You have an STD? What the fuck have you been doing?"

"No, I don't have an STD, but the testing is the same for my penis anyway.  It's called Non-specific urethritis.  I got it from the shower sponge, which we've had for over two years."

"I don't believe you!  You're cheating on me!  What the fuck have you been doing, goddammit?  Why didn't you tell me?"

This wasn't going well, but I knew that I had to continue denying the infidelity or I'd be a single man by the end of the day.  "I was embarrassed to tell you, honey.  I had no idea what it was, and I didn't want to get you upset if it turned out to be nothing. So I just took care of it."

"You were embarrassed? I'm your wife, you're supposed to tell me these things!  How could you be embarrassed about something like this?"

I was digging myself into a hole fast.  I had to get off the embarrassment thing.  "Listen, I just didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you.  It's done and I took antibiotics for it already.  Which reminds me: you have to take it too, since we had sex two weeks ago."  Pause.  "You there?"

"I don't believe you, Porter.  You're not telling me something.  You're lying.  You gave me a venereal disease and you're cheating on me!"

Normal tone of voice, I kept reminding myself.  "Honey, I'm not cheating on you.  I'm telling you the truth."

This conversation went on for a few more minutes and we resolved to discuss it at home.  Meanwhile, I couldn't work the rest of the day, but I had to go back to the clinic to get her meds.  From there, I went to a drugstore and bought new shower sponges for everyone and then went home.

At home, DW was barely looking at me, let alone speaking to me.  I dealt with the kids for the afternoon, checked some work email, and tried to stay away from her.  When dinner came around, I got out her meds and handed them to her discreetly.  "The doctor said to take all of these with a lot of water."

DW looked at the four pills and said, "Four?  Can I just take two?"

"Just take them all and any infection will be killed in two days."

She took the pills.  Within half an hour, she was throwing up, which was a side effect of the pills.  I held her hair, and fought to keep from crying my eyes out.  "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I repeated.  She still wasn't talking to me.

For weeks after that DW would accuse me of cheating on her.  I had deleted every single shred of evidence from the computer and phone that would have contradicted my story.  All emails, pictures, text messages.  Deleted from inboxes, sent mail, trash.  Browsing history deleted immediately after I shut the computer down anyway.

I felt like I was on the brink of divorce numerous times.  I had cheated (and lied about it), I had gotten caught because I'd been careless, and now I was paying the price.  I avoided Hayden at all costs.  Within a couple of weeks, it had blown over, but the specter of it still hung in the air.  Her biggest problem with all of it was that I withheld information from her, which was as bad as lying.  She said if I lied to her again, she'd divorce me.

On March 6, I went to my regular doctor and told him what had happened.  The look on his face was so unbelievably painful.  The judgment!  The condescension!  I deserved all of it.  He took blood and urine, and then got the swab kit from another office to test me.  He said he never had administered this test before.  Again, that searing pain!

It took nearly two weeks, but I got my clean results!  What a fucking nightmare, but it was now over.  DW and I had very tense sex after that.  I honestly don't know if she ever believed me, but it didn't come up again. 

I texted Hayden in mid March, and we started talking again.  She had survived her bout of near break-up with her BF.  We resolved to meet in early April and talk about starting up again.  She wanted to see me and I wanted to see her.  But we were going to set new ground rules.

I had no idea where this would take us, but I was glad to be reuniting with Hayden again.

UPDATE 3/1/2016: About a year after this happened I experienced actual symptoms, as opposed to last year, when I'd felt nothing the entire time.  I was filled me with dread about having caught another, possibly worse, infection after having unprotected sex with Jade.  Instead of going to an STD clinic, however, I went to my new doctor, who also referred me to a urologist. Both of them took cultures but neither could not find any evidence of a sexually transmitted infection.  The urologist, after hearing my story, told me that there was no chance that I'd had NGU.  If I'd had it, then the odds were very likely that I would have presented with moderate to severe symptoms that would have been very uncomfortable, and that DW would have shown something as well.  NGU, it seems, is quite a nasty infection.  Because my prostate specific antigen (PSA) test was reading much higher than the normal range, he diagnosed me with a prostate infection instead, which he said was far more common in men my age.  I took some antibiotics for about ten days, and that cleared up fairly quickly. However, the problem returned two years later, in 2015, with yet another high PSA count.  I was worried at this point that I might have cancer.  I went to a different urologist, and he explained that prostate infections can be chronic if the treatment is not more aggressive.  He put me on a much more powerful sulfa drug for 30 days.  After that time I was tested again, and there was no sign of the infection.  Based on these experiences, I am fairly certain that I did not have NGU at all, but a chronic prostate infection.  The internist at the STD clinic in 2012 was very likely seeing that infection in his tests, which can render a false positive.  Or, it's possible that the doctor was ripping me off because I was fucking terrified.

The Most Memorable Sexual Experience of My Life, Part Three

-- continued

So, I had a plausible explanation for getting the infection.  As I drove to the office, I called Hayden.  "I'm positive," I said.  "I don't have G, but I have a urethral infection.  I took antibiotics and I have to get tested again."

Hayden was devastated by this news.  "I have to say goodbye to you, angel," I said.  "I just can't see you anymore after this, at least not for awhile."

"I know. This is so crazy."  She sounded so sad.

"How are you doing?  What did you tell your boyfriend?"

"I told him that I got it on New Year's Eve.  I got really drunk that night and kissed about a dozen different girls.  I said that one of them must have been infected."

This was just the most implausible explanation I had heard.  "And he bought that?"

"Yeah, but he's pretty mad.  I don't know, I'm just so mad at The Dancer."

"I'm fucking furious, Hayden," I said.  "I'm gonna let loose on her."

"She's really feeling bad," Hayden said.

"Are you still friends with her?"

"Oh, no fucking way, I'll never see her again.  I can't believe she was so irresponsible."

"I'm so sorry this happened, angel.  This is just the worst thing."

"Have you told your wife yet?"

"I'm about to.  I have a plausible explanation."  I told her about the shower sponge.  "She's gonna be so mad at me for not telling her up front.  Anyway," I said, "I'll talk to you soon.  Let's talk again in a few weeks. We need to lay low and sort things out with our partners, right?"

"Yeah.  Porter, I'm so sorry this happened.  I'm never having another threesome, ever!"

"I know.  I'm not mad at you, angel.  Talk to you soon.  Love you."

The Most Memorable Sexual Experience of My Life, Part Two

Mid February 2012 --

I was still reeling from the threesome experience.  I had told a couple of friends, including Luke, about the experience.  Everyone was floored that it had actually happened (including me, actually!). 

As Valentine's Day approached, DW and I had had sex once the weekend before as we went out to celebrate.  But my mind was on Hayden.  I believed I truly had fallen in love with her.  I went out and bought her a box of candy, a small token, to give to her later in the week. 

The tension around my feelings for Hayden were starting to show.  I had grown a bit distant from DW, now that therapy was over and we had not progressed on improving our sex life at all.  In fact, I had pretty much given up the idea of an open marriage of any kind, realizing that DW did not possess the emotional strength to deal with it.  In fact, I knew clearly that, even if she did agree to it, the moment she realized that my penis was going inside another woman, my marriage would be over.  Being open about my sexuality wasn't worth the end of my marriage, at least not at that point.    But I knew that time was running out for me.

So, on this night, while hanging with my kids before their bedtime, my phone buzzed with a text message.  It was from Hayden, which was unusual for her.  At this point in our relationship she hardly ever reached out to me.

"Hey, have you been tested recently?"

"Hey, no, it's been awhile, like about a year."

"You need to get tested right away.  The Dancer just told me today that she tested positive for G."

"WHAT????  Gonorrhea?"

"Yes.  I got tested today.  I'll know in a week or so."

"How the fuck did this happen?"

"Well, we had another threesome, with her SD, last week, and the next day she told me her BF told her that he had G."

"You had another threesome?"

"Yeah, it was a deal we made.  She would join me with you, and I would join her with her SD."

"Is she having unprotected sex with her BF?"

"Yes.  She never told me that, or I would not have set this whole thing up.  He's bi and he sleeps with men."

"Fuck!  I'll get tested tomorrow."

Honestly don't know if I slept that night, but I certainly would understand it if I hadn't.

The next day, I went after work to a clinic located nearby that specialized in drug testing and STD screening, promising two-day turnaround.  I did a blood and urine test, which is what I always did with my own doctor each year.  They promised results by Saturday.

I texted Hayden that afternoon and asked her to meet me for coffee the next day.  I told her I'd pick her up.  I had a gift for her and wanted to see her and talk some more about this potential disaster.

On the day after that test, I met Hayden in the middle of a chilly afternoon on the street in front of her building.  She got in the car and we drove to a nearby outdoor mall to grab a coffee.  We sat at an outdoor table, sort of freezing our asses off, drinking our hot drinks, and shooting the breeze.  She asked where I'd gone to get tested, and she said she was going there as well while she waited for the clinic to give her her results.

"Hayden," I said finally, "whatever happens with this thing, I just want you to know that I don't hold you responsible at all.  I've been so worried about you.  I truly want nothing for you but good things and success in your life."

"Thanks," she said.  What else was there to say?

"I have a little gift for you in the car."

"Me too."

"I saw the bag you were holding.  Babe, I can't stop thinking about you.  It's not just because of this thing, either.  You're on my mind all the time.  When I'm alone in my car, or in the shower, or just lying in bed.  When I touch myself, I think of you and being with you.  And I know that nothing will ever come of this relationship.  You're going to move in with your boyfriend and you're going to have a fabulous life with him.  And I'm thrilled for you.  But you need to know: I've fallen in love with you."

"What?"

"I'm in love with you, Hayden."

"Please don't say that, babe."

"It's true, though, angel.  I'm not trying to compete for your affection, but if I were single, you'd be staying here with me, I'm telling you!  There'd be no other boyfriend but me!"

After we were done with our drinks, we went back to the car, and we exchanged gifts.  We each got each other chocolates, which was fitting since we both loved them so much.  I took her back home and told her I'd call her as soon as I got the test results.

On Saturday, I called the lab about 1 pm, while I was alone, walking the dog.  They looked me up and said all results were negative, for all STDs.  I was so relieved for having dodged that bullet!  I texted Luke and he gave me a virtual high-five.  I texted Hayden and let her know, and she was relieved.  "I get my results on Wednesday," she wrote back.  "I'll let u know."

A few days went by, and I had been feeling elated all week.  I was fully confident.  The lab that did my work also confirmed that Hayden was clean.  But mid-day, Hayden texted me with the devastating news: the clinic had confirmed that she had gonorrhea, in her throat but nowhere else.  She urged me to get tested again, and get more than a blood and urine panel.

The news of her infection obviously took the wind out of my sails.  On the very next morning, I immediately went online and found a clinic nearby that offered immediate results.  The cost was only $120.  I ran down to the clinic, and was the only person in there.  I was taken into an exam room and was greeted soon after that by a doctor, an Asian guy with stylish hair and a nice suit.  He asked what had happened, and felt obligated to tell the whole truth.  A few minutes later his admin came in and said that the full test panel would be $450 and I had to pay before they administered the test.  What happened to the $120?  That was just the initial screening, the full panel for all these tests is $450.

After I went to the bathroom and gave urine, someone came in and took blood.  Afterward, the doctor came in with a little kit with two swabs and a couple of vials.  He had me take down my pants and underwear.  I knew what was coming.  A friend, years ago, had been diagnosed with bladder cancer after getting this swab test, right up his urethra. 

Holy fucking shit, it hurt so bad!  It only lasted a few seconds, but my penis burned like a motherfucker after that.  Immediately after that, he had me stand up and he stuck a swab way down my throat.  Gagging and coughing ("Don't cough!" he urged.  Fuck you!).  Both swabs were taken into the lab.

Twenty minutes later, the doctor came in.  "You tested positive for NGU," he said. "Non-gonococcal urethritis.  It's a sexually transmitted infection caused by oral sex.  Did you have oral sex with these girls?"

"Of course.  Are you positive about this?"

"Positive.  It's easily treated with antibiotics and will go away in two days.  Have you had sex with your wife since having sex with these girls?"

"Yes, of course, and unprotected!"

"Then she will probably have this infection too.  And she'll need to be treated."

"Oh, my god," I swallowed hard.  "I'm going to get divorced!  My marriage is over."

"It doesn't have to be over.  Is there any way you can get her to take the pills without her getting an explanation?"

"Are you crazy?  She doesn't take aspirin.  Getting her to take an antibiotic is going to be impossible without my having to tell her how I got the infection.  She's going to kill me.  Is there any other cause for NGU besides sex?"

"It's rare and very unlikely, but yes.  Do you use a shower sponge when you wash?"

"Both of us do.  We use those nylon puffy things."

"How long have you been using the one you have?"

"At least two years."

"You should change those out every six months.  All that bacteria sitting in that warm and moist environment can be a cause of NGU.  But that's a plausible explanation."

I got the pills for myself, four in all, and paid $75 more.  Took them all at once, immediately before leaving the office.  I got in the car and started driving to my office.