Friday, April 26, 2013

Jade Update

We are seeing each other next Wednesday.  In my mind, this is the beginning of the end.  I think that a cold-turkey ending would not be the best thing for both of us.  I'm not entirely sure that she'd take it well, and I don't fully trust that she'd be cool about it.  I want to avoid a scene and any potential problems.  But I'm thinking no more than three more times.

Unfortunately, her new apartment has been delayed by a month, so it looks like hotels for the remainder of our time together.

It occurs to me that I've said before that I'm done with this sugar life, and I've gone back.  So rather than be the boy who cried wolf, I think I'll just take it a step at a time.  Things at home are starting to stabilize.  It's peaceful.  And DW is beginning to see it.  The time for talking about that stuff is over; she just needs to see how I'm showing up and she'll come around.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Intrigue, cont.

I wrote a few weeks back about the idea of  "intrigue," or the creation of false emotional connections between me and the target of my sexual desire in order to fuck her.  Yesterday, in the midst of my emotional upheaval surrounding my realization that I must retire from the sugar life in order to save my marriage, I laid the groundwork for an encounter with "A."  A is a Facebook friend and potential business associate (not a co-worker) who is deliciously cute, energetic, and a little naughty.  She had posted that she was heading over to Happy Hour, so I sent her a private message (my favorite milieu) asking her why she hadn't yet invited me to join her.  She said she had, in fact, set aside next Tuesday for getting together with me.  I pushed it and wrote "Dinner?"  She accepted that date, and we now have a date for dinner next Tuesday.

Will I suggest that we fuck next week?  No way.  Too early.  So I'm keeping it completely chaste, although I'm sure I'll drop suggestions to create more intrigue.  Getting her to share information about her personal life, her sex life, is the way I work my way into her mind as someone who is safe to play with.  My being married will be a big obstacle, and in fact, I've only had sex with one woman since getting married who wasn't an escort or sugar baby.  The other times I've tried this strategy I've failed, and one time it cost me the friendship.

Do I care if A and I are no longer friends if this fails?  Not sure yet.  She and I have dozens of mutual friends in our business, so perhaps, if she were indiscreet, I'd do better to avoid the attempt.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Need to Retire

UPDATE 4/24/2013: Below I write that the extra-marital activity has exacerbated the resentment I've felt toward DW.  Having slept on it a bit, I can say today that that statement isn't 100% accurate. Sure, it hasn't alleviated the resentment, but it hasn't made it worse.  The resentment created anger in me, which turned DW off, so she pulled back from intimacy.  That just made me angrier and made me resent her more.  It was a self-sustaining vicious cycle.  The extra-marital sex was a reaction to the anger and resentment, not the cause of it.  Like most affairs, this one was a symptom of an unhealthy relationship, not the cause of it.  Mine just haven't given me the space to deal with the relationship, or to heal myself.

Heart is heavy tonight.  In talking with close friends, it's clear to me that my extra-marital activity, which originally was supposed to help me alleviate the resentment I have felt toward DW for years due to her inability, or unwillingness, or lack of desire, to be sexual with me, has in fact exacerbated it.

Because I enjoy myself with Jade so much, and enjoyed my time with Hayden so much, it just brings into sharp relief the fact that my marriage is very fragile right now.  I don't know if I'm heading for divorce, or a continuation of this activity.  But until I can come to a deep level of acceptance for who DW is, and be completely OK with her not being my sexual partner, then I have no business distracting myself with this short-term stuff.   The truth is, I may decide that having a mistress is the best thing for me and the marriage, but I'm only going to make that decision after I've reached a place of peace around the role DW is going to play in my life going forward.

I'm emotionally checked out with her, and that's no way to assess my situation clearly.  And it's having an effect on my kids, two human beings whom I love more than any other in the world.  Their daddy is an angry man, a sad man, and a tired man, and they are seeing it first hand and taking it all in.  I can't afford to show that side of myself to them any longer.

I had planned to see Jade next week, but when she comes home tomorrow and calls me Thursday, I'm really going to have to break it off right then and there.  Keeping in mind how badly Hayden handled our break-up, I'm going to take great care (so long as Jade permits) to make sure she understands that I completely enjoyed our time together, but that not only do I have to end it, but I have to cut off all contact with her until I decide if or when I'm ready to venture out.  I'm not going to be ambiguous, and I'm not going to leave things unsaid.  Thankfully, there aren't three years to wrap up.

Monday, April 22, 2013

If I Didn't Have Bad Luck, I'd Have No Luck At All

Replace "bad luck" with Sugar, and "luck" with sex, and that would be my life right now.  DW and I are effectively in a sexless marriage.  She has occasionally "offered" herself to me, as she puts it, but I have refused because of the boundaries around what she will do with me in bed.  In other words, no oral (giving or receiving)? No sex!

This morning I was snuggling up against her and rubbing her back, and not letting my hands avoid touching her elsewhere.  "I don't want sex, Porter," she said, her face buried in her pillow, "and neither do you.  Or so you said."  "Well," I quietly replied, "I'm gonna keep knocking on the door.  If you only want to let my arm in, I'm not going to want to come in all the way.  Open the door all the way and I'll come in."  "I have no idea what you mean," she said.  "Yeah, you do, babe."

I can count on three fingers the amount of times we've had sex since the beginning of this year.  It's pathetic, actually.  But I'm going to stand firm on this.  If she's going to get full control over when we have sex, I'm not also going to give her control anymore over what we do once she says yes.  If she puts the limitations on it, like she's been doing, I'd rather not have sex with her.  I have sugar sex, and even though there's no love there, and no deep spiritual bonding, it's better than masturbation (although quite a bit more expensive, right?).

What I haven't really done lately is be a model husband and father.  I'm letting my anger get the better of me when I should be controlling myself more.  There are plenty of ways to let them all know how I'm feeling without raising my voice or engaging in arguments over meaningless shit.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Done With Reena

Reena will be one of those discarded before ever meeting. Last night we were exchanging texts when I got one from her that made no sense at all.

We had been discussing why she was still in town, and she'd said she was supposed to be working a gambling event but it hadn't been finalized yet.  She was going to be a waitress.
Me: Long way to travel to wait tables.  Aren't there jobs like that in your town?
one minute
Her: No, I don't have a SD.
one minute
Me: I wasn't talking about SDs.  I'm talking about real work.  Wait... are you having multiple convos?
nine minutes
Her: Yes
one minute
Me: Respectfully, that's kinda annoying and a little rude
31 minutes
Her: No, I'm trying to get there
one minute
Me: Stop texting me.
Now, I've been in situations where I was texting more than one person at a time, but I always managed to pay close enough attention to make sure that I wasn't texting the wrong person. What would have happened if I'd sent a text to DW that was intended for my Sugar Baby?  Death! I've texted more than one mistress at a time, especially when I was "shopping" for one, but if  I ever made the mistake of sending a message to the wrong girl, I'd immediately apologize.  No such apology from Reena, just a repeat of the mistake.  B'bye!



Thursday, April 18, 2013

Weekly?

Jade and I are now talking about seeing each other weekly instead of bi-weekly.  The only week we wouldn't have sex is the week she's on her period, but even then we'd have lunch or dinner or just hang out together.  I can't swing $1,500 a month right now to see her, so I'm trying to work something out with her.  Since we won't be doing hotels anymore, I'm going to be saving just under $200 a month, so I'm thinking $1,200 for three visits, plus the costs of dinners, lunches, and shopping.  I think that's fair, don't you?

She's gone tomorrow for five days as she visits family and old friends in her hometown.

I think it's time for Reena... if she ever gets her shit together.  The other day we were texting each other about hooking up finally.  She said she barely had the funds to buy a train ticket to my town (she doesn't own a car).  I offered to but it and send it to her and also pick up her hotel costs.  Before I knew it, she'd already gotten the train ticket for that afternoon and was on her way to see me.  We never discussed a date for her visit, but damn it, she was coming!  I had to text her and tell her sorry, but I'm not available this week (money is a bit tight till next week), and told her possibly next week.  She came into town anyway.  Kind of a boneheaded move, if you ask me...

We finally got to Skype each other that afternoon, but she was talking to me from the train and we couldn't do anything intimate.  Funny thing, I get the sense that she's not quite "all there."  As if her brain is a wired a little funny.  I'm not above fucking her one time, but I'm going to be very careful about it.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Just Putting It Out There...

If anyone out there reading this blog knows any of these porn stars personally, I'd like to meet them and play with them.  I have zero expectation that my request will bear any fruit, but I'm just, as the headline says, putting it out there...

April O'Neil

















Alexis Love














Amia Miley



















Tiffany Thompson






Notice how they're all brunettes?  This is all about what Hayden did to my "type."  No offense to any blondes out there or to my current Asian flame, Jade.  This is just a fantasy.







Friday, April 12, 2013

Happiness is Cumming Twice

Jade and I met this afternoon at a luxury hotel in the heart of the financial district.  I got a deal on Priceline so it was a pretty cheap rate.  Since it was probably our last time in a hotel I thought I'd go all out.  The room had an incredibly comfortable king-size bed, a large bathroom with a clean shower that got instantly hot. 

I got there half an hour early and freshened up, taking a few minutes to shut my eyes.  Jade texted me from downstairs -- she was right on time again!  I greeted her at the door fully clothed this time.  She threw her arms up and around me, kissing me lightly before dashing into the bathroom for a second.  When she came out, she jumped on the bed with me and we caught up.  I was really not in the frame of mind to chat -- I wanted to FUCK! But I gave her about ten minutes.  She brought up that she again changed her birth control from the Pill to the Shot, and she asked that we use condoms.  I assured her that I'd pull out long before I was ready to cum, and she agreed to go without.  It wasn't long before I started taking off her clothes.

Jade has such an incredible body.  From my vantage point, lying on my back looking up at her, she is just fucking stunning!  We tore our clothes off and she started going down on me.  My body started tingling all over as I felt the warm wetness of her mouth sliding up and down on my throbbing dick.  I told her I wanted to do 69, so she positioned herself in a way to give me access.  Unfortunately it didn't last long enough for me.  "Will you please fuck me for a little bit?" she asked.  Like she needed to ask!  I slid into her and we went very slowly.  Reaching my arms around her I pulled her close and we kissed deeply.  "Hey there, smoker," I said playfully.

"I didn't smoke," she said.  "I did smoke pot before getting in the cab to come over."

"You took a cab?"

"Of course!  You said parking was $36 and I wasn't about to part with that kind of money to park for 2 hours.  The cab ride there and back will be less than $25."

"Good point," I said.

After about two minutes I pulled out.  "OK," I said, "that was a little bit.  Time to suck me some more."  She rolled over and gave me her sweet bubble butt.  "More, more, more," she purred.  We played a little bit more in this position.  I honestly think Jade's body and mine fit perfectly together, and the sight of my tool sliding in and out of her was enough to make me forget about getting a longer BJ.  I looked over at my cell phone and wished I'd had the presence of mind to shoot some video, but perhaps another time.

Licking my fingers, I reached around and started rubbing her clit while we fucked.  She moaned loudly, loving every second of it!  Closer and closer, until...wham!  She came in a shudder, her legs quivering and buckling.  That certainly never happened before!  I pulled out, not even close to orgasm.  I got off the bed and went over to the chaise in the corner, pulling off the clothes that each of us had laid across it.  "C'mere," I beckoned.  Jade came over.  I positioned myself on the chaise, sitting up.  Jade climbed on top of me and squatted over my cock, lowering herself onto me.  This modified cowgirl position is one of my favorites.  I get to cup her butt in my hands, her tits are right in my face, and my cock gets so deep inside her!

After a few minutes of this, she came again.  "Two," she cooed, holding up two fingers!  It was more than either of us could bear.  "I'm ready," I panted, pulling out my cock.  "I wanna cum in your mouth."

"You can cum in my mouth baby, I'll swallow you all up," she said.  She jumped off of me and started sucking on my dick.  It didn't take long.  My orgasm was so intense it felt like the top of my head blew off.  I felt my load travelling along the shaft of my cock, and it felt like my cock got thicker around, filled with so much jizz.  She took all of it, never taking me out of her mouth, and then swallowed all of it!  God, that was amazing!

After cleaning up, we both returned to the bed.  I told her I wanted to have an all-day date with her.  I'd come over to her apartment about 9 am, sneak in, climb into her bed.  We'd fuck, rest, wash up, and go out to brunch, then a hike.  Come back after, all sweaty, and fuck some more before showering and heading out for shopping.  Come back, fuck again, then rest up and go out to a casual dinner before I headed home.  She loved that idea and wanted to ink a date right then and there.  I wasn't ready to do that, but for sure it's now going to happen.  After a few minutes, she said, "I wanna take a nap." "Me too," I said.  She asked me to get into my usual sleep position and she snuggled up close to me.  With her arm over me, her leg between mine, and her body on top of me, we both fell asleep for a power nap, about 20 minutes.  When we woke up, I was ready for more, but she said she was too sore from the pounding.  I need at least an hour before I'm ready to go again.  It had already been an hour, but I wasn't going to push it.

Since I was a little bit hard, I started stroking my cock.  "Take over whenever you want," I said.  She said, "Go get me some lotion and I'll do that for you."  I jumped up and got some lotion from the luxury bathroom.  She used half the tube on me, and it felt so good.  However, I wasn't totally used to her hands, and it just didn't feel, you know, perfect.  I wasn't going to cum, and I knew her arms were getting tired.  I took over and she said, "I want you to make yourself cum, I like to watch."  Since I know my body perfectly, I only need about a minute or so to cum.  It shot up in the air and went everywhere all over our bodies.  She excused herself to get both of us wet cloths to clean up.

Before I left, I told her that I wanted to take her to lunch the next week, see her more often and have more time with her than every other week.  She loved the idea, and so we'll probably be seeing each other every week from this point forward.  I told her that since her schedule was so erratic, she'd have to be the one to take the lead on getting together, and she agreed.

We both came twice, and we were both extremely satisfied.  Can't wait till next time...


Anticipation

When I wake up on the morning of a date with my mistress, among my first thoughts -- aside from "Must pee!" -- is "Today is Fuck Day!"  My heart begins to race as I realize that in just a few hours, I will be naked and in ecstasy with a beautiful woman.  I count down the hours as I try to get through my work day, but in all honesty not much gets done.

The night before my date I always struggle with whether or not I should masturbate, as I always sleep better after an orgasm.  Part of me fears I won't perform as well if I jack off ahead of time.  Certainly, if I masturbate in the morning before a date, I usually struggle both with erection and climax that afternoon (particularly when I have to wear a condom).  Since Jade and I don't appear to have to use condoms now, there is less of a chance of that happening, but I like to preserve my energy as well.  I have noticeably less energy for at least a few hours after an orgasm, and sometimes it'll tap me for half a day.

Anyway, today is Fuck Day!  I haven't had sex with anyone in three weeks, so this is going to be a great day.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Inklings of a Real Alternative

I've been a member of Ashley Madison for years.  Their "Life is Short; Have an Affair" motto resonates with me a lot, and I signed up looking for a possible mistress that wasn't looking for a Sugar Daddy.  I could spend some righteous bucks on a mistress if an allowance wasn't involved.  There are lots of women on that site who are single, under 30, and looking for a Sugar Daddy anyway, but I ignored them most of the time because I had better luck on dedicated Sugar Daddy sites.

Anyway, the other day I got that standard email from AshMad with their New Members.  I usually look at them and assess if it's worth sending a message.  One of them was a 34-year old married woman whose profile said that she was no longer getting what she wanted at home and was looking for someone who wanted to have "rings on" sex.  In other words, two married people who fucked each other senseless with their wedding rings on, as a way of giving our respective spouses a bit of a middle finger.  It was a hot idea, so I sent her a note.  She responded and gave me her phone number.  I texted her last night but we couldn't connect, and haven't been able to do so today either.

I know I say no arrangement with married women or moms, but this is different in so many ways.  This idea of "rings on" sex with another married woman, who is otherwise as secure in her marriage as I am in mine, is a huge turn-on.  I'm incredibly intrigued and hope we can at least have a chat or meet up to see if there's chemistry.

Anyway, Jade and I have a date tomorrow.  Will update after.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Bye-bye Leelee

A reader wrote to suggest that I tell Leelee the truth about what I'd see in her pictures, but I couldn't go there with her.

Instead, I sent Leelee a text that read, "Hey, I need to postpone Friday, as I have other plans that day.  If you want to meet next Friday, and make it a meet and greet, that would be great.  Let me know."  The whole point was to suggest that I wanted to back up and meet face to face before having sex.  Reasonable request, I thought, and one that didn't automatically suggest that I did not find her picture very flattering or appetizing.

Her response: "I've decided to end all contact with you.  Good luck."

I replied that it wasn't personal, but that I had multiple choices now and that I was able to select someone who was perfect for me.  Of course she got the subtext, and texted back, "No problem. Please delete my info."

While I'm usually not one to tell someone I don't find her attractive, I simply do not find overweight women attractive.  Even Dale, who I characterized as a "tiny bit chunky," was not overweight.  However, as soon as I noticed too much weight on a potential mistress, I took steps to end the pursuit immediately.  And usually I used communication that resembles what I sent to Leelee.  I think it's better to be diplomatic rather than blunt.  She might not have a body image issue at all, and my calling her too overweight for my tastes would just invite an argument.  A good lesson for SDs is to consider her feelings carefully, even if she isn't reciprocating.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Cancellation #1

Today, Jade canceled our date.  She has a business meeting for the same time and it's a pretty big deal for her.  She wants to reschedule for later, on the day I'm supposed to see Leelee.  I have no problem making that change, since Leelee sent me a body pic last night and it appears she is a little too heavy for me.  I detected a pretty substantial tummy, and I'm not at all attracted to overweight girls.

Question for you female readers: How would you prefer to be told by a potential SB that after seeing your pic he's no longer interested?  Would you prefer he tell you the truth? Or, would you prefer he says he simply had a change of heart, and leave it at that?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Donation

Today, a famous person I met years ago died of a really awful disease that she'd had for more than 20 years.  It's the same disease with which Hayden had been diagnosed nearly two years ago.  As I wrote earlier, I did my research and saw that most people with this disease did not live past their sixties.  This woman who died was 70.  She'd lost the ability to walk eight years ago, and lost her ability to speak five years ago.  She'd been in a coma for years before she died.

I immediately thought of Hayden and felt deep sadness, thinking about how her life might turn out, living with this savage, slow killer.  Although I have maintained complete silence with her for more than two months, I was overcome with a desire to tell her that she was in my thoughts today.  I also donated anonymously to a charity that did research on her disease in her name.  I realize that it wasn't really necessary to reach out to Hayden, but my heart needed at least to open up to her.  I'm glad that her boyfriend is, so far, there with her, and I hope that either he, or someone, steps up to help her, because she's really going to need it later in life.

Dipping Toes in the Water Again and Other Developments

Over the weekend I made plans to see Reena this afternoon, but they fell through.  The agreement we made was for $500 per visit, with hotel costs deducted.  However, she explained, she didn't have 50 cents to her name at the time, and plus, she was on her period today.  So no hotel, no play.  I'm still kind of hoping things work out there but I'm not optimistic.

Also, out of the blue I decided to email Leelee, a nice woman who I'd contacted through the sugar website a couple of months ago.  Once I'd decided on Jade I kind of told her that I was no longer interested.  She is in her mid-twenties and still going to college and living with her parents, so I'm a little skeptical just because -- well, how many women that age do you know who still live with mommy and daddy?

Still her pictures were cute -- brunette with long curly hair, big brown eyes.  She'd sent me some body-part pics, of her cute ass and perky tits, but until I get a full body shot I don't believe her.  We've made plans to hook up this Friday, two days after I see Jade again.  Her per-visit is $250, so I'm pretty sure that it can't be worse than a standard escort visit.

Still, she has some dubious boundaries around sex that are giving me pause, though not enough to deter me from the nominal investment.  She is 100% condoms, all the time (though not for oral), isn't into anal, and isn't passionate about oral either (though she did say, "When I do it, I do it well.").  The rest is in the moment, she says.  So I'm willing to play with her for $250.  Who knows?  If she blows me away like Dale did two years ago, I could be persuaded to make a change.  At $250, I could see her three times a month and have it be less than Jade.

Jade, for her part, is moving into a new place again.  Roommate problems.  Now she'll have her own place, which means in a few weeks we'll be done with hotels.  I'm much more uninhibited in someone's private home than in a hotel room.

Meanwhile on the home front: DW went to her gynecologist for her annual exam.  She came home with a prescription for birth control pills.  Apparently, she made mention of her very low sex drive to the doctor, who prescribed the pills, which are supposed to heighten her libido.  Further, some other symptoms that she's been having have aroused the doctor's interest and he wants to perform a few tests to rule out a few, really bad, possibilities.  The tests will be done in a couple of weeks, once DW is done with her period. 

Needless to say, if anything bad were to come up, I'd give up all of this crazy activity to support her all the way.  She is my DW, after all.

Visits with Jade and Leelee this week.  Will update later.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

"Intrigue"

I remember a good friend of mine talk about his addictive patterns. Not only was he engaged in compulsive sexual activity, like frequent masturbation to pornography, engaging with prostitutes and having anonymous sex, he also engaged in a fair amount of what he called "intrigue."  Intrigue was what an addict did to create connections that would someday lead to getting laid and engaging in that compulsive behavior, including creating a false belief that there was love when none existed.

A perfect example of this would be for a guy to invite a girl to coffee or drinks, knowing he wanted to sleep with her, but to act like a total gentleman and ask probing questions of a personal nature about her relationships, her work, her family.  These questions were designed to create a semblance of intimacy, which could serve as a springboard for more intimacy, which might or might not involve sex. Either way, there was a charge for the addict when engaging in this activity.  It was like leaving little markers all over town on which he could collect at a future date.  A well-placed phone call, a text, an email, or a casual "date" would all create an impression in the mind of the "target" that this was a person safe to sleep with, fun to sleep with, and with whom an intense bond could be created. 

Today, I was on Facebook, and a female "friend" of mine posted a comment that suggested she'd been wronged by someone she thought she trusted.  Underneath the "I'm OK, it's the other person's loss" attitude, I could sense a seething anger about being betrayed.  I called her (she's also a business prospect) and asked, "Are you OK?"  I asked her what had happened, and she spilled information about her personal life that perhaps she didn't want to spill.  I pretended to give a shit about it, and the entire time I was thinking how awesome it would be to fuck this girl's brains out.  She, knowing I'm married, would never go for it, but that didn't stop my mind from contemplating it.  She's ridiculously cute, petite, with a dimpled smile and a rocking athletic body.  She's also a little older, in her mid 30s, and has been around the block.  In reality, however, she's also about as insightful as plastic wrap.  She's very "street," and despite her corporate appearance and professional demeanor most of the time, she still embodies the tough, ethnic neighborhood she grew up in. 

At the end of the conversation she suggested that we get together "sometime" for a Happy Hour.  Music to my ears!  Another chance to intrigue with this cutie pie.  I said, "You have to invite me, baby."  Yes, I used that word.  "How about tomorrow?" she asked.  I didn't anticipate that she would invite me out on a weekend!  I quickly shot back, "Fridays are the only night that don't work."  "OK," she said, "we could always do Taco Tuesdays somewhere!"  "Done."

So whether it's next Tuesday or the next after that, I will have a date with her.  I won't get laid, I won't talk about my sugar exploits (although maybe she'd go for it if she needed cash), but I'll get to get an eyeful of that sexy body.  Maybe, if I'm lucky, she'll put a hand on my shoulder or arm.

Hehe, now that's true intrigue!  And safe.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Lunch Canceled and Other News

Not surprised that Jade canceled our lunch date today.  Funny that on the day we made the date she'd said she wanted our relationship to be more than sexual.  I guess that we'll have to stay only sexual for awhile.  Which suits me fine.

Reena and I are increasing the sexual tension in our communication.  I definitely think a one- or two-time encounter is inevitable.  But no arrangements with moms, no exceptions.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Second Chances

My friend David Montrose over at Sugar Daddy Diary penned a very short post asking, "Should our pride get in the way of giving someone you care about a second chance?"

Since he's commenting about Sugar life, I presume he's talking about getting back together with a mistress with whom he's had a falling out.  Well, you all know how I handled second chances.  I broke up twice with Hayden (three times if you include our forced break-up due to the debacle with The Dancer) before we finally called it quits.  Each time, I was the one who initiated the reconciliation.  I concede that it was not a big deal the first time, but after she had broken three straight dates and resisted a reunion more than once after I broke up with her, I should have left it alone.  This was especially true after I'd found out about her serious relationship with her BF.  Had I walked away forever at that point, I never would have had to deal with her ending things the way that she did.  I set myself up for that failure.

So, I suppose my answer is, "Pride is not the operative emotion here.  What we should not let get in the way is a desperate belief that we won't find anyone as good as her, so let her go."  Given that both Lola and Jade are/were as wonderful as lovers as Hayden, I know this to be true.

...

Was supposed to see Jade this week, but her period arrived last night.  We're going to have just a lunch instead.  She said, very clearly, "Of course I want to have a relationship with you that doesn't just revolve around sex, Porter."  Glad she said that.