Friday, May 31, 2013

Reflecting Today

In a healthy way, I've been pondering my time with Hayden.  I'm germinating some ideas about that relationship in ways that may benefit me and many others.  Nothing's going to come of this for a couple of years yet, but I'm thinking of writing a novel that centers around our relationship, but covers much more ground and spans a much longer time than the three years we spent together.  No one but my readers here (and Hayden) would ever recognize her in the story; it'll be embellished, re-imagined, dramatized, and composited with other past sugar relationships.  The end result is a relationship that morphs into what I'd wanted it to be.  The consequences, however, I will keep private, but they will be, of course, compelling and thought-provoking.

David Montrose over at Sugar Daddy Diary wrote today about a particularly meaningful relationship he'd had with a 20-year-old girl.  His key passage:
I had violated all my rules (also seen in my awesome book, ‘Sugar Daddy Diary’ on Amazon). I had seen someone who was 20, and developed a real relationship, something I hadn't really done in 10 years.  Funny thing is that I never had any regrets.  I even said to her: ‘I plan to stay with you even though I can name 2 ways I can lose in this. You are single, so you have the time to find a bf or a SD. And then I’ll be history. Or you may turn 21 and say, “Geez Dave thanks for the memories, I am taking off”‘.  She indicated she may surprise me. I couldn't imagine what it would be like being broken up with her, walking around some places we have in common knowing that a few seconds or minutes earlier she would have been walking the same place, but now we would have nothing to do with each other.
I have broken a few rules myself over the past five years: unprotected sex, being out in public too close to home, and, of course, falling in love with my mistress.  I completely understand where David's coming from around loving this girl.  When I vacationed in the city where Hayden now lives, I felt her nearby when I'd walk with my family in areas where I knew she'd been.  That sense of longing threw me completely off my center for that weekend.  And I know that, had we seen each other, she would have pretended that I wasn't there.  It's been four months since we last spoke, and over three months since I sent the closure email.  We are completely done with each other, forever. And this is how it ought to be.  I am, as they say, over her.

As I wind things down with Jade and retire from this crazy lifestyle, and refocus my attention to my marriage, my family, my work, and my health, I can't help but imagine where I'll be in 10, 15, or 25 years from now. How will I remember this time?  What will be the lessons I take away from it?  Will this be a dark time of regret in my life, or a time of wonderful discovery of who I am inside?  Will I still be married to DW, or will I be single?  All will be revealed, I guess; I just hope I don't fall too deep down the rabbit hole of despondency.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Little Girl, Lost

She walked into the hotel room with a heavy sigh, and immediately started crying.  It had been three weeks since our last date, and Jade had so much on her mind.  "I have a job," she said.  "Oh," I said, "like a real job?" "Like a real fucking job," she replied.  "That's why I haven't been available during the day."  Apparently, some friend talked her into a sales job.  It was a shit gig, taking up her whole day, with nothing to do but cold-calling and getting hung up on.  She had no idea how she would be paid, when she would be paid (no salary, since she was not his employee, but a contractor), or how much volume she needed to generate in order to make enough scratch to survive.  I know sales: you have to work backwards: How much money do I want to make?  How many deals do I need to close to make that kind of money?  How many deals should I open to generate so many closed deals? How many leads do I need to generate that many opened deals?  How many calls a day should I make to generate those opened deals?  We sort of worked things out, and I showed her that there was no way humanly possible for her to make enough calls and generate enough sales to make a living.  So, after three days on this job, she quit.  She did it by text message, sharing it with me this morning.

Sex was OK, not fantastic, although she came like four times.  She's just a wreck, distracted, depressed, and having a long hard look at her life.  She let people she knows get into her head about the real work she is doing, which after just a couple of months, is really starting to generate some success for her.  The problem is that these efforts don't pay off financially for many months, and she's worried that she'll run out of money before getting to that point.

I assured her that what she's doing is working out great, and that these types of jobs are not why she came to this town in the first place.  She knows this, but she's worried.  She got very emotional and cried a lot.  She has panicked and let others get into her head.  Plus, she's realizing that she can't say "no" very well.  This "job" was given to her by a friend who offered her a chance to make money, but she lost focus and couldn't refuse her friend who really wanted her to be on his team.  Unfortunately, this friend of hers is just as green as she is, and has no idea how to run this business.  He's got no compensation plan, no contract to offer her that spells out what she'll make, and no formal training program to give someone like Jade, who has absolutely no experience, a leg up in trying to be successful.  I said, "If you want to work to supplement your income, you need a job that frees up your days so that you can support what you love to do.  Bartend, cocktail, wait tables, something that you can throw away without hesitating."  She has bartending experience so that wouldn't be too hard to get going if she could find the right deal.

I am starting to get a clear picture of my role in her life.  She really needs a mentor, someone who can guide her as she starts to mature and be more responsible for herself.  What she's doing now takes a tremendous amount of focus and networking skills, and it's frequently (if not mostly) discouraging. But she's had some great successes so far, and she has someone in her corner already who is guiding her.  If she lets her money worries get the better of her, she'll alienate this guide and he'll stop working with her to help her become successful.  I think she came away from the conversation re-connected to her purpose.  Good to see it.

I'm afraid I won't get to see her realize her full potential, as my retirement from sugar life is not that far off.  It's still open-ended, but it'll come this year for sure.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Preview: Next Date with Jade

Jade and I have made a date for next Wednesday.  I already booked the hotel, which I can cancel up to 24 hours in advance and not be charged.

Funny how, now that I've made the date, I can't wait five more days and want to see her now.  Jade said, "That's just your penis talking, lover!"  She forgets that my heart is in this too.

Our next date after that will be an all-day date.  We'll be starting early in the morning and going all day till sunset.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Vicarious Thrills Are Over

Back in 2009 I gave up my secret about my sugar activities to three close business associates whom I trusted.  None of them has ever mentioned what I told them another soul, or at least it has never gotten back to me.  Same thing, as far as I'm concerned.

I was speaking to one of them tonight, and he asked about my latest thrills.  He was the most enthusiastic follower of my exploits, and he wanted all the details.  I happily shared them with him.  He was saddened to learn that I was planning to retire in the near future.  "No more stories?" he implored.  "Sorry, dude," I replied, "Hayden broke my heart and I just don't have it in me anymore."

He understood, oddly enough.  Didn't have a clever retort, he just said, "I getcha.  I getcha." 

Looking forward to moving down this new path.  There will, I hope, be some epiphany for me at some point. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I've written this before and I've been serious about this before.  I am retiring from sugar life.  Jade will be my last mistress.

Is this permanent retirement?  Not sure.

The way I see it, if I'm going to come to a place of acceptance, finally, around DW's lack of sexual interest, and be clear about what direction I want to take with regard to my marriage, I don't think I can do it while I'm engaged in extra-marital activity.  One, the sugar life is very distracting; two, it's not fair to DW.  It may very well be that, rather than divorce DW, I decide to take a mistress and take my chances as I've been for the last five years.  I won't feel clean about that decision if I'm hedging my bets and not giving 100% to making my marriage work -- which, to be clear, is my first option.

And three, I can no longer take the stress that this lifestyle inflicts on my body.  After the debacle with The Dancer and Hayden last year, I can't even bear a suggestion that I might have contracted a STD.  I lost serious sleep over a few days, wondering if a) Jade was lying to me about her involvement with other men and she infected me; b) Lola infected me, in which case Jade and DW are both infected; c) DW was cheating on me and is carrying an infection without knowing it; or d) none of the above.  Glad, for the sake of all involved, that it was d).

An aside: my doctor said that I probably didn't have a STI last year.  The STI with which I was diagnosed is more typically accompanied by much more severe symptoms, none of which I had.  In other words, he doesn't think I just caught it early; he thinks the internist misdiagnosed me altogether.  Which puts that threesome experience in a whole new light.

Monday, May 13, 2013

It's Always the Songs that Get Me

Heard this Dylan classic today:

If You See Her, Say Hello
If you see her, say hello, she might be in Tangier
She left here last early Spring, is livin' there, I hear
Say for me that I’m all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I’ve forgotten her, don’t tell her it isn’t so
We had a falling-out, like lovers often will
And to think of how she left that night, it still brings me a chill
And though our separation, it pierced me to the heart
She still lives inside of me, we've never been apart
If you get close to her, kiss her once for me
I always have respected her for busting out and gettin' free
Oh, whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way
Though the bitter taste still lingers on from the night I tried to make her stay
I see a lot of people as I make the rounds
And I hear her name here and there as I go from town to town
And I’ve never gotten used to it, I’ve just learned to turn it off
Either I'm too sensitive or else I'm gettin' soft
Sundown, yellow moon, I replay the past
I know every scene by heart, they all went by so fast
If she’s passin’ back this way, I'm not that hard to find
Tell her she can look me up if she's got the time

Update on My Condition

So, the good news is, I do not have an STD.  What it is exactly, some tests are being done to determine that.  Regardless of what it is, however, the specifics will remain unpublished to protect my privacy.

Jade was so adamant that she was clean, but I have to say that I was not going to believe her at all until I got  my test results.  Now that I know, I'm not going to go bareback at all, ever, with anyone, ever again.

Given the nature of the condition, I am out of commission with regard to sex for the rest of this month, when I see the doctor again and get retested to make sure I am free of this.  I sent Jade a text last night to let her know and to remind her not to be a stranger in the meantime.  Her response was spread out over three texts. I didn't see any of them until this morning.
My text: Hey, babe!  Hope you had a good day.  Don't be a next dr. is 5/XX.  If I get the all clear, I'll be available after that.
Her text #1 (two minutes later): Nope...I understand where you're coming from.
Her text #2 (two minutes later): But please understand where I'm coming from, I will always be honest with you (like we agreed we would always be) I need help with money, and feel it wouldn't be right asking you since you're out of commission.  So... I'll probably look for another sd until you're well.
Her text #3 (32 minutes later): You know I'm totally kidding right... Lol.  Of course I won't be a stranger silly.
My answer to her this morning #1: Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea...
My answer #2 (3 hours later): You know I'm totally kidding right?
No response from her yet.  If she freaks out on me, then I'll cut her loose, which is essentially where I'm headed anyway.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Out of Commission

Based on my symptoms, it looks as though I have a bladder infection.  No interest in sex whatsoever.  Seeing the doc in about an hour.

Discussed with Jade yesterday and today.  She says she has nothing to hide, and insists that her last STD test was 100% negative, and, since she has been my only sex partner in the past two months, she cannot have given me an STD.  Further, since she is negative, I could not have given her one from a previous partner, like Lola or Wanda, the only other women I've slept with since last November.  And I know for certain that DW has been faithful.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Post-Relationship Relationship

Jade is out of town and not reachable this week.

Makes me think of why I didn't do a better job of maintaining stronger ties to my former SBs.  Not only for the possibility of a hook-up once in a while, but also just to stay in touch and find out how their lives are going.  Obviously, some might want to cut ties of any kind (like Hayden), and others changed their terms such that I was no longer interested (like Kyra).  But girls like Dale, or Cha-cha, or Joni, or Zen were all pretty nice people, and it would have been cool to continue the relationship, if for no other reason than to stay in touch.

Friday, May 3, 2013

News On the Home Front

DW and I are talking, and even though the talks get a little heated, it's good to be talking.  Last night, while lying in bed, I asked if she'd be up for some "closeness."  She assumed I meant sex, which I didn't (and told her so), but she passed out almost immediately after I asked.

This morning, while getting ready to send the kids off to school, I actually asked for sex tonight.  She got angry.  She recycled an argument we'd had a few days earlier where I mentioned that I would only have sex with her if she gave me total control over how we have sex -- something, she said, she wasn't buying into at all.

Now I was upset too.  I said, "First of all, I apologized to you the other day for rejecting your offer.  I told you the other day that I learned to accept what you are offering in good faith instead of being resentful that you're not offering more.  But secondly, I have never once complained about how often or how seldom we have sex, unless of course it goes on for a ridiculously long time--"

"Like it has now," she chimed in.

"-- like it has now," I concurred.  "If you say no to sex, I can't very well force the issue, can I?  So if I'm giving up total control over when, then I should get to have control over what we do once you say yes to sex.  And, of course, for that to work, you have to be trusting enough -- and this is where the bigger problem is, I think -- to know that I'm not going to want to do things that hurt or humiliate you, or that you're not going to enjoy.  And, you have to trust that whatever we do, it's to benefit both of us, not just so that I get what I need.  I want it to be something we both feel comfortable with."

She really had no comeback, other than to say that she didn't know if she was there yet.  I agreed that we have a long way to go, and that I was willing to do whatever it takes.  That was why, I explained, that I only asked for "closeness" the night before and not sex.

The discussion didn't settle anything, and it certainly did nothing to calm her down.  For the remainder of the morning until we left the house, she had a tough time controlling her anger.  She was biting off all of our heads, while I tried mightily to maintain peace.  I finally asked her, "What's with the yelling?  You've been yelling for the past 15 minutes."  "I'm frustrated!" she said.  "I hear that.  But you're being really hostile, really hostile to me, and none of us deserve it," I said.

She admitted that she was being hostile and apologized.  We've been more civil to each other today by text, and for that I'm grateful.

A long story to show that we're not talking past each other now, but listening and giving ground.  This will be a weekend full of family time and events, so I really hope we both hold it together long enough to take another couple of small steps back toward each other.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The L Word Reappears, With a Twist

UPDATE: The Saturday date is canceled.  I got the night wrong, and my relatives are playing tonight when I'm totally busy.  So we'll have to get together another time.

Hanging out yesterday with Jade in our hotel room, I suddenly wanted to have an intimate convo with her about our affair.  We had been seeing each other for three months, and it was time to look at things.  I've written that I need to retire from the sugar life, but want to wind it down a bit at a time to avoid any potential drama.  You'll recall that although Hayden and I made a decision to wind down our relationship over several months' time, the way she eventually said goodbye was immature and cold-hearted, and left me reeling for about six months.  I do not want a repeat of that, so when things end between Jade and me, it will be with caring, respect, and hopefully, as little drama as possible.

I asked Jade if she wanted to continue seeing me.  She enthusiastically said, "Yes!"  I asked her where she saw us in a month's time, and she replied, "Doing the same thing, but in my apartment."  I then asked about three and six months.  This is a technique I acquired years ago when I was in my first real relationship after my first wife and I split up.  I ask where my GF sees things going, and then offer my perspective so that we totally understand each other.

Jade answered that she saw us still together in six more months, but she said that she barely has time to think about it since she can barely see past the next day.  That gave us both a laugh, but it's important, I think, to be open and honest.  Even if this is a sexual relationship, it's going to have a beginning, middle, and end, and not talking about it carefully only invites drama when the end finally comes.

After Jade told me where she sees our relationship, I gave her my perspective.  I told her that I was on the same page, and that for now I wanted things to continue just as they are.  I then asked her if she wanted more dating (going out together), and she said, "Hell, yes!"  Sensing that she had some unspoken stuff that she wanted to let go of, I decided that I wanted to hear how she felt about me.  After all, she continues to call me her "boyfriend," even though I'm unavailable for that sort of thing.

"Well," I said, "how do you feel about me?"

"I love you."

There it was.

I asked, "Do you mean a romantic kind of love?"

"It's both romantic and friendship love.  But I love you."

"When did you know you felt this way?" I wanted to know.

"When you sent me that text the other day about intimacy," she replied.

Here is the transcript of the text convo:

Me: Can't book the hotel.  Credit card is maxed out right now.  Can you?
J: No. I don't have a credit card lol.  And I don't wanna use the card they gave me.  [My employer] keep tabs.  I'm sorry.
Me: OK.  Time to join the world of grownups with a credit cards.  Lol
J: I don't want to.  I hate that world.
Me: It's my world, and if you hate it then you lack a measure of respect for me
J: Even when I'm 98, I'll always be in this world.  You misunderstood what I meant.  You misinterpreted that all wrong dear.
Me: No I didn't  But the truth is that the world lives on credit and will soon not use cash anymore.
J: I had one.  Now I don't because in [my hometown] I was a materialistic lost soul and ruined my whole credit...if you must know... So now, I'm trying to piece by piece put my life back in order.  Unfortunately, I wasn't taught well because I wasn't raised where I saw my parents.  Anyway, that's no excuse... but yup, there it is :-)
Me: Wow, a moment of real intimacy.  I'm honored lover... xo

From this, she decided, because she opened up about her life and I didn't judge her, that she loves me.  I'm not sure what to make of it, actually, but I know from experience that you can't unsay something once it's been said.  

I said, "I hope it's OK with you that I don't say it back, baby.  I'm not sure I'm capable of feeling that right now.  You know that I like you a lot and respect you."

"It's OK," she replied.   "I'll feel it anyway no matter what you feel."

This sounded eerily like my convo with Hayden in reverse.  

I let it go and thanked her for opening up about her feelings.

We are planning an all-day date in June.  Meanwhile, she and I are meeting at the local bar where my relatives' bands are playing this Saturday.  Can't wait. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I Have Video

Because she was on her period, Jade agreed to an oral only date today.  I got a fantastic blow job and got to shoot video for about 15 seconds.  I did not delete it... heheheh.  Maybe someday I'll share it, though her face is prominently featured.  Would probably not be a good idea.

We are meeting this weekend for a date.  How?  Well, DW is taking the kids to a school theater production that I've seen, and it just so happens that a couple of relatives who are musicians are performing at a local club, in different bands.  She will come with her GF, Valerie, who is mid-twenties, blond, and very cute.  We have our story worked out, so neither of my relatives will think twice about me hanging out with her and her friend.  The two of them like to kiss each other, so they will come across as a gay couple and I'll be in the clear.  I don't know if I'll have the energy, but I'd sure like to fuck both of them afterward.  We'll see about that.  Since the blow job date was kind of short and more talking than anything, I think Jade owes me this one.

We also started planning our all-day date for next month.  More to be revealed on that...

Today Was Fuck Day

Jade got her period today.  I'm not put off by her monthly, but of course she might be.  She said that it's up to me to decide if we meet up.  I'm OK with an oral date, but since that only happened once with Hayden, perhaps it would be better to postpone, even if the hotel is paid for.

My dinner with "A" didn't happen.  I texted to confirm and she did not respond in time, so I let her know that I wouldn't be there.  She's been offline on FB for two days now, so I'm thinking something came up and she's been unable to contact me.