Sunday, June 30, 2013

Celebrating Independence

Jade and I are meeting in a few days.  I don't know why, but I feel like making love to her this time, not just pounding on her.  Slow, gentle, tender, sensual, and emotional.  Yes, I believe the connection is growing.

I asked her to bring a friend, though, so that may put the brakes on an emotional afternoon.  It's not a guarantee, so if she shows up alone, I'll go with plan A.

Sounds like a good problem to have, no?

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Checking In

So I was on vacation last week, and have been dealing with some personal and professional issues that took me away from both blogging and hanging out with my Jade.  She and I have been in touch, and she's good, but the bad news is she's not moving into the apartment she'd snagged a couple of months ago.  Long story that she hasn't told me about yet.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about getting older.  As I near my birthday, it's clear to me that I'm getting a bit old -- at least I think I am -- for these 20-something babes.  I seem to be invisible to girls that age.  Jade, who is a little older, is, I think, the lower-end of the limit for age-appropriate women for me.

I have been thinking about this because Hayden's birthday is coming in a few weeks.  I haven't seen her in 10 months, haven't spoken with her in five months.  I still miss her, though I'm over her to a large degree.  Because I'm dealing with the starting process of writing my book, all the feelings are still right there on the surface.  The good news is that I'm able to put them into perspective and learn from them, instead of wallowing in self-pity, anger, and pain.  I have told myself not to send her any sort of birthday greeting; to let her go completely, I must resist any desire to contact her.  If I truly want her to be happy, also, I need to be out of her life. There's no way she can have any sort of contact with me and be successful with her BF (hopefully her fiance soon).  I have to do the right thing, and now, thankfully, I have the strength.

DW and I have really been connecting well.  We are talking to each other rather than past each other, and we're dealing with family issues sanely and maturely.  We spent practically the whole day together yesterday as she attended to me after a medical procedure I had in the morning.  We had a dinner date last night, and we took a walk afterward.  It was a quiet, peaceful time, and we went to sleep early.  I'm grateful that she's in my life, even though I'm still unsure today where things are headed.  I know I want us both to be happy, and in my mind, that means staying together and working things out.

Friday, June 14, 2013

On the Home Front

DW and I are getting along reasonably well.  We haven't had sex in two weeks, but I'm not complaining.  This last week she had her period, and before that we'd had sex twice over a week's time.  There is peace in the house and we're definitely way more of a team.

One thing has disturbed me, however: she's basically given me a deadline of the end of the summer for our relationship to improve.  She hasn't said what she'll do after that, but I'm guessing she is hinting at separation and/or divorce.  What disturbs me about it is that she's already making contingency plans.  I don't know what that will result in -- neither of us can afford the house on our own and I'm not about to rent some shitty apartment just so I can continue to make payments on the house.  If the marriage is headed in that direction, then we're going to have to sell it, split the cash, and move on.  I hope that isn't the case, but we'll see.

I haven't thought much about Jade, although I keep in contact with her every day.  She's completely occupied with her work, and I prefer that to someone reaching out to me all day long.  Gives me time to take care of my own shit.

On that front, it looks like there'll be another job change very soon.  The company I'm with hasn't made good on any of the promises it made to me.  A new company, a start-up operation, has made me an offer of management, with a fixed salary (not much) plus the opportunity to work a large number of accounts.  The office would be less than 10 minutes from home, I'd be home at a decent hour, perhaps even go home for lunch if I so desired.  I'll know in about two weeks.

Meanwhile I've been reading a lot.  Finished two novels in the past two weeks, and will be reading some more.  Fueling the brain for the upcoming writing project.  I'm feeling torn about whether or not to start it now, or wait till I feel I've got a strong idea of where the plot is going, how to research, and how to organize it.  The story's going to kill, I just know it, and I'm very excited to write it.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Does This Feeling Ever Go Away?

My employer provides me an office in an executive suite where there are a bunch of companies sharing the floor.

There's a young woman in my office who works as a receptionist, mail clerk, and phone/IT scheduler. I see her every day that I come in.  She's Latina, but looks very Middle Eastern.  I could have sworn she was Greek, or Israeli, or even Italian.  But she's Mexican (with a lot of Euro blood, I'm sure).  She rocks high heels, tight pants, bright red lipstick, and push-up bras that accentuate her perfect breasts. It's office-appropriate apparel, but it's young and not conservative.  She's in her early to mid twenties. And I'm totally hot for her.

Today, we found ourselves together in the elevator going down to the lobby. She was pulling a small cart to pick up the mail, while I headed to the little coffee shop on the ground floor to get lunch.  We made small talk, and she asked if the new fax line she'd set up was working.  I told her, it worked great!  But then I found myself unable to say anything else.  The doors then opened, and I followed her into the lobby, my eyes glued to her curvy butt and high heels.

I got my lunch and started walking back to the elevator, when I spotted her heading back to the elevators. I walked into the open door and again, we were alone.  She smiled a cute little surprised smile and said, "Hey!"  I was absolutely tongue-tied.

I simply find myself unable to talk to this lovely young woman.  I guess the sugar I give the girls I fuck gives me a shield against rejection.  But it's like I'm fucking 17 again and unable to talk to any girl in school to whom I have the slightest attraction.

The funny thing is, what the fuck would I actually say?  "Hi, I'm Porter, I think you're really attractive, and I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch."  At which point she'd say, "Um, Porter, you're old and you've got a really bright ring on your finger."  And we'd never speak again because she'd know what a total pervy creep I am and she'd tell everyone she can that I'm a pervy creep.

The truth is, I have no desire to know her beyond the minimum needed to get into her pants.  That's never going to happen, and I know that's never going to happen, so why can't I just relax and talk to her?

Settling In

Jade showed up to the hotel last Wednesday about 30 minutes late.  A flat tire, she said, but at least she'd texted to let me know why she was going to be late.  No matter, I'd cleared my schedule until 6 pm so I had at least two hours to play with her.

She came in, all smiles, all happy, wearing a strapless sundress, wedge heels, and little else. She plopped down on the bed and started telling me about all she had been doing the past two weeks. She'd been a busy girl, and had been having great successes in her work.  I was very happy for her.

After sex, which was very comfortable (and delicious -- she let me cum in her mouth), we talked some more.  I told her about some things that I was working on, and a book I'd read recently that was really getting my attention.  I kept thinking, this is how real relationships are supposed to be, you talk about the things that excite you and you find common ground.  Later, as the relationship settles into familiarity and, ultimately, pair-bonding, these sorts of things tend to taper off.  Why spend all this time discovering shit about your partner when there are kids to feed, bathe, read to and put to bed? When is there time to do this when there are dishes to wash, a dog to walk, and lunches to make for the next day?  Why get naked and rut like teenagers when there's a good show on TV we can veg out to before falling asleep?  I'm being cynical, but it's just due to something I read today about monogamy.  It's why I no longer see myself being monogamous for any serious length of time.  I enjoy the creating intimacy part of the relationship (not to mention the sexual discovery and experimentation parts) too much!

She said that she'd hooked up with a girl in the past week.  For some reason, I let this one get away from me without her going into explicit details -- what a fucking idiot I was, ha!  Perhaps there is or will be a chance to have a threesome with her in the future.  I'm getting that men don't really interest her because she doesn't really trust us.  We only want to get in her pants.  With a body like hers and a sexuality to go with it, it's not all that hard to figure out why.

One more thing -- the "L" word has not reappeared in quite some time.  I think she regrets saying it. It's OK, though; I'm sort of glad it's not in play right now.