Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Fed Up With Jade and Her Bullshit

When I decided to become a Sugar Daddy more than five years ago, my objective was to find one attractive Sugar Baby who would be a willing and regular sexual partner.  I wanted a sexual outlet to explore aspects of who I was because I was not finding that at home with DW.  It was simple to find this in exchange for giving financial support.

At first, I had pretty good luck with CC. From there, I moved on to Hayden, with a stop in the middle with Dale.  After Hayden, I hung out with Wanda for a few months, then moved onto Jade, then Sam, and then back to Jade again.  During this journey, particularly with Hayden, I realized how important it was to bring intimacy into the arrangement.  In other words, to make it more like a relationship.

In getting back together with Jade, it was because I sense with her that she was more willing to be open with me about getting really intimate.  She'd opened her heart to me numerous times and we loved each other.  Again, I want to emphasize that, at least for now, my loving Jade is not about replacing DW with her.  This is about feeling love for another human being because love is simply the greatest thing there is between two people.

My last date with Jade was a great one, and it was full of intimacy.  She shared some horrific stuff with me that had recently occurred with her live-in BF/roommate.  From what I could understand she was going to be done with him shortly.  I did express reservations about her moving out, or them not living together, since she had a financial dependence and a professional relationship with him.  I wrote that I expected her, in the coming months, to rationalize why she was staying with him.

Our date took place on a Monday afternoon.  We usually meet on Wednesdays, but couldn't last week because she was leaving on Wednesday for a vacation.  She would be gone five days, and she returned just last night.  A couple of days after she left, I decided to go onto her Facebook page to see if she was posting any pictures.  She hadn't told me where she was going or with whom, and I didn't ask, but there was no harm in seeing this.  Or so I thought...

When I typed her name into the Facebook search bar and clicked on the image of her profile, Facebook zapped a "Page Not Found" message on my screen.  Hmm.  This meant one of two things: she was blocking me, or she took down her profile.  I presumed that she would not take it down, since she was pretty active on the site.  So she was blocking me.  Not the first time that has happened, as Hayden blocked me temporarily at one point.  I wasn't going to make a big deal out of this, and I'd get answers once she came back.

During her trip, she sent me a couple of emails (texting wasn't an option since she was out of the country) that she was having a great time, feeling refreshed, and couldn't wait to see me again.  I would have expected something like this, since she loved me, missed me, and wanted something deeper with me.

Jade returned last night.  This morning, before I left the house, I again checked Facebook and saw that I was still blocked.  Very curious now, I went to DW's computer, opened her Facebook page, and typed Jade's name into the search bar. I was able to find her profile in the search results, and when I clicked on it, up came her page.  She had posted about a dozen or so pictures from her trip already.  And then I saw him...

Jade had gone on this trip with her live-in BF, and they were smiling and carrying on as though nothing had happened.  On one of her pictures he had posted a reply, "The most beautiful woman in the land."  I even took a picture of that page so I could show it to Jade.

What the fuck was this anyway?  The guy hits her, and two days after she tells me about it and that she's done with him, they're traveling together having a great time?  As I've said numerous times, once a Sugar Baby has an intimate relationship with someone else, I'm done.  Traveling with someone who had just perpetrated an act of violence on you is pretty much an example of not only an intimate relationship, but an extremely dysfunctional one.  I truly don't need this in my life.  At all.

Today I'm going to tell Jade what I know, listen for her response, and calmly inform her that if she insists on an intimate relationship with this other man, then she can't have me or my money anymore.

For me, the lesson is that I must get better at keeping my emotions in check. These women want nothing intimate.  Also, sexual chemistry is not the same thing as intimacy.  If I can keep that in mind when searching for a Sugar Baby, I'll be better off. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Am I Just Getting Too Old for this Shit?

I woke up in a fair place today.  Not great, not even good, but not shitty.  Just meh. 

I wondered why.  DW and I didn't have any fights last night, and we got the kids to bed pretty painlessly, giving DW and I some time just to veg out and watch some TV.  I had a restful sleep, and I woke up at the normal time.  But, something was off.

During my morning read I came across an article recommended by a young friend.  It was one of those list stories, the kind that are trendy right now instead of in-depth reading.  The list was "The 100 Things that Every 20-something Needs to Realize."  In going down the list, I couldn't believe that the writer believed that every 20-something didn't already realize these things.  For example: "If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months."  Aside from the awkwardness of the writing -- one pushes out a baby, and doctors pull them out -- this is of course true.  But I learned this in my teens, during health class.  When I was in high school, my friends and I didn't bother with condoms because a) there was no AIDS, and b) all girls got The Pill from their mothers.  But those who fucked up and had unprotected sex with a girl who was not on birth control sometimes became dads, or had to pony up for an abortion.  So why do 20-somethings need to realize this?  Shouldn't they get this now?

Another example: "Being smarter does make you the better person." Again, duh!  I suppose that, because I was smarter than a lot of people I knew, I realized this early.  And it's never too late to become smarter.  But what were those four years of college for?  Just to party and make friends and get laid?  If that's all there is to college, then my parents could have spent their money in much more productive ways than to send me to school.  I studied hard and I worked hard.  And now I make a decent living, and I have a wife and family and a great community, and I surround myself with pretty smart friends.  I have a good heart, I care for my fellow man, and I give.  I always have, even when I was in my 20s.  How is this shit not self-evident?

Then, after that, there was a link at the bottom of that story called "What Are You Doing Here? The 10 Signs You're Too Old to be in the Club."  Now that one pissed me off, not because it wasn't true, but because it was. "You’re actually financially stable enough to save the bottle girl," read one of the signs.  This hit home big time for me as a Sugar Daddy.  "If you find yourself financially capable of saving the bottle girl from her job and can keep her living comfortably, then you shouldn't be in the club.  Go find yourself a wife and start a family."  Fuck...

Now I had reason to be just fair in my mood.

The Way Forward -- Sincerity

Jade showed up at the hotel 20 minutes late, not surprisingly.  She smelled of cigarettes, so apparently she was smoking again.  Things never go as I plan them!

We kissed, and she tried to get caught up with me before we got sexual.  I was having none of it.  We got naked and started playing right away.  I got a fantastic BJ, longer than usual, which thrilled me.  I didn't get to go down on her, but from what I gather, she's not a big fan of it.

Within 30 seconds of my entering her, she had her first orgasm.  Sighing with relief, she said, "OK, now we can make love!"  We slowly played some more, but the temptation to go faster gnawed at me.  I didn't want to go slow!  She came two or three times more.

While in her favorite position, spooning, she whispered, "I want you to come in my mouth."  I wasn't quite ready to climax, so we kept fucking some more.  Even though it's not face to face, there is something highly intimate about the spooning position.  I get to hold her close to me, I get to hold and squeeze and caress her breasts, I get to run both my hands all over her body, and I get to kiss her shoulders and arms (my favorite).  Best of all, I get to feel her sweet round ass against my hips while I savor the warmth of being inside her.  Sweet ecstacy!  "I wish I could come inside you," I said.  "Do it," she urged, "come inside me.  I don't care!"  "No...," I said through a smile, "I can't do that." "Do it."  "You're not thinking, baby," I said. "It's OK, I'll pull out now."  She took me in her mouth, but I could tell that she didn't really enjoy that right after I'd been inside her.  Her own taste, apparently, was not to her liking! 

She started stroking me again, harder and harder, but for some reason I wasn't getting closer.  So, I took over, because, well, who better than me to make myself come?  As I got closer, I pulled her closer with my other hand so that my jizz would go all over her chest and breasts.  Glorious! 

We cleaned up and chatted for another hour.  The news about her live in boyfriend was not good.  Apparently they'd had a huge fight and he slapped her across the face a couple of nights before.  she said that she'd been baiting him by telling him how small his penis was and that she was cheating on him with a guy with a "huge cock" who knows how to use it (that would be me).  "I broke up with him," she said.  I couldn't imagine an outcome more obvious, but there's a reason why I bring it up now.  Even though they live together, there are two bedrooms in the apartment and she occupies one and he the other.  So, I learned that they are not quite in a relationship.  They're roommates!  A far less-serious arrangement. After the slapping, she disappeared into the shower and he tried to follow her, taking out his dick and stroking it as if to show her he was now ready for sex.  Pathetic.

But, see, the thing is, she didn't sleep with him again, and probably won't, but she can't move out because she can't afford her own place and doesn't want to move in with roommates again.  She says that he'll eventually move out, but I highly doubt that now.  There's a professional connection between the two of them, one that I can't discuss here without giving away too much detail about Jade.  She respects him professionally, so as long as there's that connection and her financial issues, she's staying put and she won't push him out the door.  So I expect Jade to rationalize all of this in the months to come.

However, I did clearly state my intentions with her, as I wrote in my last post.  She reacted as I expected, touched and appreciative, but not expecting me to hold up my end.  In other words, she probably thinks I'm a little (or a lot) full of shit.

I maintain that what I wrote about her last spring is still true today:
She really needs a mentor, someone who can guide her as she starts to mature and be more responsible for herself. What she's doing now takes a tremendous amount of focus and networking skills, and it's frequently (if not mostly) discouraging. But she's had some great successes so far, and she has someone in her corner already who is guiding her. If she lets her money worries get the better of her, she'll alienate this guide and he'll stop working with her to help her become successful.
 
Except that now, she's lost the guide and she's sliding back on her road to success, all because of money.  She's feeling discouraged and lost, and is grasping at things to help her find meaning.  So long as she remains unfocused, she'll continue to flounder.  I hope I can help her back on her feet.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Jade Update

Lost phone, had no way to contact me.

She managed a text this afternoon to let me know that she just got back from the bank and is BROKE.

I asked her if she had left her BF yet?  Answer: "No why would I do that?"

Oh, I dunno, maybe because you hate him?  Cuz he now knows you're cheating on him, and he can't handle it?

"Porter, you do remember that we met on a Sugar Daddy site, right?  So... can you help me with money this month?  Not a lot, just a little...whatever you can actually.  I'm struggling.  That's why I went on the site."

You can be nicer about it...lover :-)

So...Jade...we met nearly a year ago, off the SA website, and yes, the basis for knowing each other is a mutually beneficial arrangement.  I am your Sugar Daddy and you are my Sugar Baby.  But, things got fairly intimate, fairly quickly.  There's been an emotional connection for quite some time now.  To reduce it simply to money at this point seems rather immature (see Hayden).  On top of that, while I have no problem providing you with financial assistance, I actually now want to take care of you.  Much more deeply than this arrangement would contemplate.  I already told you I love you.  You've told me you love me.  I love how crazy you are, even though you can be pretty fucking whacko.  I love your creativity, your soulfulness, and your little girl side that pops up whenever we're together.  You cannot deny that you feel safe with me, and that you respect and desire me.

Your current relationship is a sham, and you know it.  Similarly my marriage is largely symbolic at this point, mostly there because my kids are too young to deal with divorce.  I love DW, and if she were to make some miraculous turnaround, I'm sure that would be a serious reason to re-dedicate myself to the marriage. But I'm highly skeptical of that now.  I seriously doubt that I'll be married three years from now.

You are the last Sugar Baby I ever want to have.  If things don't work out for us, then I will not continue doing this.  Am I asking you to hang in there and wait till I'm single?  No.  I'm not that selfish.  But I want more than just to waltz into a hotel room every two weeks to have sex with you and be done with it after some small talk.  I want each time we're together to be a building block in something more meaningful.  What that looks like at this point, I have no idea.  But, I can honestly say that I would still want to pursue a relationship with you if there were no guarantee of sex involved.  Over time, I am certain that sex would become a large part of our relationship.  And...perhaps most surprisingly... I'm willing to try that if you want.  Then you truly would be my last Sugar Baby.

Don't respond now: take it in.  If you decide that you cannot go down that road with me, then we will have to be done now, forever.  I'm reluctant to invest myself emotionally any more than I am now if my feelings won't be returned to me in like fashion. It's not time to decide yet, but the time is approaching. 

Here's hoping that you decide soon, and join me.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Going With the Flow

Jade and I were supposed to have a date yesterday.  After she cancelled on me last week, at the last minute, I had to eat the hotel costs.  Not a big deal, since she promised that the hotel would be on her the next time.  Since she was using reward points, she'd be able to pick a cushy place where we'd have a lot of fun.

As this week began, I texted Jade to ask when and where we'd be meeting.  As of Monday, she had not selected a hotel.  She asked if she could text me later that day, and of course I agreed.  I suggested an area of town for us and she agreed.

But no text came after that.  On Tuesday, I texted her just before 10 am, eager to see her the next day, but hopeful for some information about where/when.  I texted every couple of hours after that, with no response.

By the end of the day, I was beginning to think that nothing would happen, so I went with the flow and texted Sam.  She and I have stayed in touch, but we have never made a date.  She has always wanted to continue seeing me, however, so this time I texted her and we made a date for Wednesday afternoon.

Right after making that date, I sent Jade a text backing out of anything she might have planned up to that point.  I commented that I couldn't work on short notice.  This is true most of the time.  I prefer having at least 24 hours to plan stuff. 

On Wednesday, Jade still had not responded, and I was beginning to worry.  I texted her that I hoped she was OK, and that when she had time to explain what was going on, I'd be around.  At that time, I expected that sooner or later I'd hear from her.

The date with Sam was abbreviated, but fun.  She was 30 minutes late because she had to attend to her dog who had been bitten by another dog.  She came in, flustered, wearing a t-shirt, sweatpants, and flip flops.  She immediately showered off (as I had an hour before), and we got right to business.  She talked a lot throughout, but it was cute.  It felt good to see her again. 

We had pretty good sex.  Two things stood out for me, one great and one not so great.  The not-so-great part was that she really prefers handjobs to blow jobs.  My penis spend only about 10 seconds in her mouth, but she gave me a great handjob.  The great part was that, as she was riding me, she leaned over, pressing her body to mine, and whispered some of the nastiest stuff I'd ever heard her say.  It got me so hot, I came pretty quickly after that (she'd already had an orgasm, so I felt totally free to get off). 

Sam and I talked about the fact that we hadn't been together for three months.  She was sad that it had been so long, but she explained that she was a "go with the flow" kind of girl, and that she figured it would all work out.  I learned from her that it made little sense to get all worked up about things in this sugar world.  At the end, it'll work out.  After all, I can always go back to SA and find about 30 different girls who want to be with me.

Still no word today from Jade.  I checked her Facebook page, and there was activity for the last two days, so I sent her a note there and also emailed her.  If I get a response, great; if not, go with the flow.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Compulsive Tendencies?

I am well-versed in the warning signs of compulsive, addictive behavior.  Not being able to stop doing things I know are wrong for me, to stop acting out on thoughts that are, for lack of a better word, insane -- these are sure characteristics of the disease I thought I had.

Today, while out on sales calls, I entered a condo building to visit a potential client.  Upon entering the lobby, I was suddenly overcome with anxiety and discomfort.  For a second, I didn't know why it was happening.  For whatever reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks: the building reminded me of Hayden's last apartment.  The ground floor lobby led to the street-level garage to one side, and the elevator on the other.  Even the color scheme -- light green walls, dark brown doors -- were identical to her building.  Except her old building was on the other side of town, about 45 minutes away.  Not relevant, however; I felt a knot in my stomach and each step I took increased my nervousness.  By the time I got to the condo, however, it was all gone, as I adjusted and got back into my zone.  But the feelings came back as soon as I stepped back into the hallway to leave.  When I turned around and looked at the condo number, I gasped.  That was Hayden's apartment number!  The parallels were uncanny.

Fortunately, time has passed and I am far stronger now than I was last year.  I was able to step back and look at my reactions.  "Look at you, Porter.  Look how you're reacting to this completely coincidental thing.  You're gonna be OK.  Now, get a fucking grip on yourself!" 

I was fine by the time I hit the sidewalk outside, smiling to myself at the unreal coincidence.

The facts that I could step back, laugh at it, and write about it are how I know that I'm not stuck in an addictive/compulsive pattern around Hayden.  I'm truly over her now, and wish her nothing but happiness.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Update on Business Connection

It's been 24 hours since I accepted an invitation to connect via LinkedIn with The Dancer.  Already, I have noticed that my mood has darkened considerably.  I am more irritable, less focused, and way more anxious.  I have spent time looking at her LinkedIn profile, which includes a connection to Hayden.  Further, there is a link to her personal website, which is basically her Twitter feed.  From there I was able to read all of Hayden's Twitter feed, see who she's following, who is following her and what she's been up to, far more than what she's shared on Facebook.  There are links to Instagram photos I can't see because we're not connected and her profile is set to private.

This is the primary source of my anxiety.  After nearly 15 months apart, and after more than nine months since we last had any contact, I find myself confronting a lot of the old feelings and old longings.  I will say that these feelings and longings are not as powerful as they once were, but they are certainly powerful enough to knock me off my center.

And so I have to keep watching myself, keep regulating my behavior, and keep focusing on the present and what I have in front of me: namely, a business that needs my attention, children who require my love and guidance, and a DW who brings more to my life than Hayden ever did.  Not to mention a Sugar Baby whom I love, who loves me, and with whom I have what Hayden once called a "strong sexual connection."

Just writing this post makes me feel better.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Business Connection

Today, I accepted a LinkedIn invitation from The Dancer.  You might remember her as a major participant in The Most Memorable Sexual Experience of My Life

I have to repeat: I accepted her invitation.  I did not seek her out.  I do not know exactly what compelled me to accept it. Oh, who am I kidding?  Of course I know why

Does this mean that I will try to network to Hayden through The Dancer?  No.  That ship has sailed away, never to return.  I suppose her proximity to Hayden might cause me to inquire about her well-being.  It's been well over a year since she left, and I am curious about how my most treasured Sugar Baby has been.  If a tidbit of information can be acquired, what's the harm?

I've sent The Dancer a note through the site, thanking her for the request to connect, and wishing her well.  Where it goes from there, no idea.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Postponed

No Jade story from yesterday.  Rescheduled for next week.  Hotel on her!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Jade Preview, and Catching Up

As much as I am determined to stay committed to Jade as my Sugar Baby, I struggle with the "what ifs."  What if Sam came around and became a better communicator?  What if Elle gets her shit together and comes up with a decent schedule?  What if Exa comes out to visit and we really, really hit it off?  What if -- there's someone better out there?!?!?!?!

These are all legitimate questions, of course, and they cross my mind nearly every day.  I still keep my hook out there to see if someone awesome will bite.  Jade is, of course, awesome, but what if???

Aaaaauuuuuggghhhh!

Jade and I have a date this afternoon.  I requested that we use condoms today because she's not on birth control.  I feel safer that way, but man, do I love being inside her uncovered.  It's a struggle, but not as much of a struggle as dealing with a pregnant Jade.

Here's a plan I've been formulating in my brain: Jade's unpaid internship turns into a job at the beginning of next year, but it won't be enough for her to break free.  If she decides to supplement her income with some bartending, she might be able take my allowance and patch together enough cash flow to move out of her boyfriend's place into one of her own.  And then the journey would begin to see how much longer it would take for us to be together in a place of OUR own.

In the next year, I am hoping to come to a decision about how to resolve the sexual and emotional incompatibilities I have with DW.  It's going to require a lot of preconditions: for starters, enough income to support two households.  For another, a sustained level of income to start separating our assets.  For a third, selling our house.  These are huge obstacles, and I think that it will be a couple of years at least before I'm ready for that.  Would Jade hang on?  I don't think so.  How long could I juggle all of this?  Again, don't know.

That's it for now.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Embracing My Hypocrisy

My fellow blogger David Montrose recently related a story about a woman who called him a hypocrite for refusing to get involved with her in a sugar arrangement because she had a serious boyfriend.  This is because David's a married man.  He has no problem with the dissonance.

For the record, I am just as much a hypocrite as David.  I embrace it, making no apologies.  I will not engage in a sugar relationship with any woman who is a) married or engaged; b) in a serious relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, whether or not they live together; c) a mother with school-age children who are not yet independent (as in driving).

And even though I make no apologies for my hypocrisy, I still want to put into context exactly why I hold this position.  First, and most obviously, I'm the Sugar Daddy, the guy with the "sugar," and I get to choose how I want to sprinkle it around.  Any woman who falls into the above categories can call me every name in the book, but I'm not changing my mind.  Second -- and this is where things get controversial -- I don't pick "involved" women because I wouldn't want some other guy fucking my woman.  Call it a sense of honor.  "Well," I hear the critics braying, "isn't that a bit of a double standard?  I mean, you're cheating on your wife.  Why should you care whom your wife fucks?"  Answers: yes, it is a double standard; and I would care a great deal whom my wife fucks.  My DW, like most DWs IN GENERAL, would not stray from her marriage to satisfy sexual needs, but to satisfy needs for intimacy, including emotional and otherwise.  In other words, most women fuck for emotional gratification just as much as sexual gratification.  On the other hand, I believe most men fuck for sexual gratification far more than anything else.

But where does that leave moms?  Admittedly, this is a bit of a gray area.  On the one hand, if, for example, this mom had live-in child care, like her own mother or sister or roommate, I might consider something for a short-term thing to see how it goes.  Similarly, a mom who lived in, say, The Midwest, and who was open to visiting my town to hook up with me, I'd give it a go. It probably wouldn't be a long-term thing, but perhaps an ongoing thing a couple of times a year? Sure! (hint, hint Exa Palmatieri!)

On the other hand, if we're talking about a woman who would need to hire a babysitter, or switch nights with the kid's father, in order to make things work, then I draw the line.  My need for sugar should never be an intrusion into her family life, the same way I do all I can to avoid having my sugar interfere with my family life.  Either way, drama can rear its ugly head, and who needs that?  Of course, some women could simply lie that she has live-in child care or that she is not hiring a sitter (it's generally not something I ask about, because most of the time I don't even begin conversations with moms, or I usually just shut the discussion down if I find out she has a child unless she's pretty extraordinary). 

In reading over this post, I can make the argument that I'm twisting myself into a pretzel to be logical about it, but at the end of the day, I'll admit wholeheartedly that Hayden, who broke my heart, was too distracted by her significant other relationship to devote the kind of attention I wanted out of a sugar relationship. So I just won't set foot on that path again unless the situation is well above average for me.

In short-term recreational relationships, anything goes so long as I keep getting laid, but things end as soon as there's a problem.  For me, a woman who has a significant other relationship is (now) a problem.  If she were spectacularly good in bed there might be room for one or two other problems before I called it quits.