Monday, December 30, 2013

The Year In Review, Sugar Style

A year ago, I wrote this post about seeing Hayden's Facebook page, and remarked that I'd have to exit the Sugar Daddy life to get over her.  Obviously, I still maintain an active Sugar Daddy life, with a great Sugar Baby in Jade.  I'm seeing her this week, in fact, and can't wait.  I haven't had any sex since last seeing her, so I'm itching to be naked with her.

This past year brought me many blessings: I found Jade, finally created closure with Hayden, eased reluctantly into another year of life, started a new job with great potential, had a great detour with Sam, and had a peaceful holiday with my family.  DW and I, although we have serious moments of friction, get along better now than at the start of the year, and I'm coming to a decision this year about where I want to go with this marriage.  The Dancer reached out to me after a huge nightmare nearly two years ago, and she'll be of great use in my writing.

Best of all, I feel very completely over the pain I felt with Hayden.  Because she figures so prominently in my writing, however, I revisit that pain to get in touch with it, but this is voluntarily on my part, whereas before I would be assaulted by my emotion without warning at the beginning of the year. 

I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions, but if I were, I'd resolve to exorcise Hayden from my life for good.  I believe that once my first draft is done, this will happen almost 100%.  I'm hoping that a chat with The Dancer will help me along those lines.  Also, I'd resolve my marriage issues, either by ending it or recommitting to it.  Actually, this is one I'm going to see through.  Either way, it won't end my sugar activities.

Having experienced what I did in 2012 around the end of my relationship with Hayden, it has become clear to me that women (and quite likely men) her age simply do not understand that one can love another person fully without wanting a romantic attachment.  I'm speaking in general, of course; there are always exceptions to this rule, but until one has loved and lost a few times in one's life, one cannot fully appreciate the many different ways that love can appear between two people.  I loved Hayden completely, still do, and always will, in ways similar to the way I still and always will love my first wife.  At three years, my relationship with Hayden was longer than any of my dating relationships.  Being with her changed my life, helped me discover who I am sexually, and how I want to show up in long-term relationships from this point forward.  I felt sexy, masculine, and desirable when I was with her, and I felt accepted and respected by her.  Plus, she was absolutely my sexual soulmate.

There is also very little doubt in my mind that she loved me too, although I don't think she would ever admit it.  The only doubt I have around this is because she could have lied throughout our relationship, as Wanda suggested, to keep me interested and giving her money.  I thought about this for a long time afterward, and I think it's partially true, particularly at the end of the relationship.  Hayden needed my money, and so long as I thought she cared about me, I'd keep giving it to her, and she knew that.  But the money was never so plentiful that she couldn't have turned around and found someone else with more money and less emotional attachment to her.  She stuck with me for more than the money and the sex.  She knew I loved her, and she felt it constantly.  She knew I would do anything I could for her, and frequently asked if I could.  I think her immature and cold behavior toward the end was probably attributable to guilt she likely felt about continuing to sleep with me when she loved her BF and knew he was her future.  Spending an hour with me at the end to let me know that she appreciated what I did for her, and acknowledging that she let her feelings get away from her for a time, and respectfully explaining to me what she needed from me in order to help her move ahead in her life, would have prevented so much of my pain.  But an immature woman who couldn't understand the power of love would never have done that.  And so in this year I had to let her go.  Next year, I believe, I'll be able to thank her for doing it the way she did it (gave me a great story, right?).

Friday, December 27, 2013

Networking ... the Ties That Bind

The Dancer, whom you will remember from our two encounters here and here, reached out to me several weeks ago on LinkedIn.  I don't recall ever giving her my full name, but I'm sure she was able to find me in some way.  We are now connected.

I decided to reach back and ask if she were open to letting me interview her for a writing project I'm beginning.  It took a week or two, but she did respond that she would be available.  Funny thing was, she felt it necessary to re-introduce herself to me, writing, "We met through a mutual friend, Hayden."  Apparently she connected with me because she wants me to "like" her new app.  She has been trying to break into the sugar dating business for years, but her previous venture was not successful as it had been already started by a dominant competitor in the market.  Curious to see what she has going for her now.  Of course, if it's a Facebook page for this app, I can't "like" it without that going on my News Feed, which means that everyone I know would see that I "liked" a sugar dating web page.  Uh-uh.

In any event, when I was looking at her LinkedIn profile, I noticed she was also connected both to Hayden and Hayden's boyfriend.  That puts me, I think, a little too close to the happy couple, not only for their comfort, but for mine.  I'm content to lurk and read her Twitter feed and see what's going on (by the way, not much). So, after I meet The Dancer for this interview, I'll disconnect from her.

If I do get a chance to interview her, however, it'll give me a chance to tell my side of the story to someone who is very close to Hayden. Would love to hear her perspective on it.  If she echoes what Wanda said earlier this year, then I suppose I'll have some new reflections to post.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Holiday Reflections

Feeling weird today.  I woke up not wanting to be married anymore, and anxious as hell about how to accomplish that goal as quickly as possible.  As I took my walk this morning with my dog, I kept thinking about how I'd approach being single as a man who is a few years past his prime.

If I get divorced from DW, I will never get married again.  Absolutely not. For one, my earnings will be going to spousal and child support for years to come, and I don't want to support a second household for anyone but myself.  A new wife would be a huge burden financially.  So I'll content myself to being in a series of short-term recreational relationships of varying lengths, and if I find someone with whom I'd care to settle down, it will have to be with someone who doesn't care to get married, who doesn't want kids (or more kids), and who doesn't really need my money.  Which leads me to another point about money: as someone who became a father later in life, I want my kids to have everything I am able to save up when I die.  I don't want there to be an intermediary, such as a new wife, to stand in the way of their inheritance.

Also, if I get divorced, I will never be monogamous again.  I might settle for serial monogamy, but that means I leave once I get bored, and those endings are always full of drama.  Better to be open from the beginning that I like variety, I don't believe in monogamy as a statement of commitment, and invite her to explore that with me.  If she doesn't, and I like her enough, I might compromise for a time, but not permanently.  If one woman becomes special enough to be a long-term partner, we will have had to agree on non-monogamy or there's no relationship. 

I thought of Jade and the fact that we haven't seen each other in more than a month.  I miss her body, and sort of miss her company, but not enough to feel like I'm missing all that much.  I get enough out of that arrangement from the sex alone.  Would I want to date her if I were single?  Yeah, I think I would, but just to see how things would go.  She's too young for me.  I know men in my life who are in their 60s, and they date women in their 50s or higher.  Someday, I'll be that age, and if I'm still married to DW, she'll be in that age range and I'll consider her as gorgeous then as much as I do now, but the idea of getting naked with a woman that age while my mind still thinks I'm in my 30s just doesn't appeal to me!

This whole scenario also got me thinking about Sam as well.  Why would it be wrong of me to see both her and Jade, having one or the other available to me when I want?  First, it would cost me a lot more, and I'm not there yet financially.  Secondly, I think I'd get lost in too many compartmentalized lives.  It made me think that I'd eventually have to force the issue with DW that I want to have an open relationship and try it out.  But that's insane thinking; she'd never agree to it, so I'd have to either do it in secret, or do it in the open without her blessing.  Secret would be better, but I'd continue to be bothered by compartmentalizing my life. 

One day this will all be sorted out.  I just hope it isn't after I've ruined my marriage and alienated my kids and all my friends. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays to all of my readers!  More Sugar Daddy stuff to come in 2014!

Jade is heading out of town for the holidays, as she hasn't had a Christmas in four years.  Further, she kicked her roommate out and now she's living on her own.  Hotel-free?  Not sure.

In other news, Hayden is still not engaged.  Kind of surprised.  Maybe there's a New Year's surprise coming?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The December Freeze

No, on the West Coast we don't freeze, but we do get cold every so often.

In my career as a Sugar Daddy, December has tended to be a slow period for time with my girl or girls.  If you've read my blog from the beginning, you'll recall how one particular December brought a crushing, epic failure.  This "freeze" refers to the choice I have made since then to minimize my sugar activity during the holidays.  Things will heat up again in January, as they did so memorably two years ago.

This month, I am, thankfully, extremely busy in my work.  The stage is set for me to make far more money in 2014 than in either of the previous two years.  On top of that, there are upcoming events with DW that require my attention, helping my older child study for final exams, and dealing with a lengthy winter sports season for my younger child, that will take us all over this state.

Jade and I have been chatting with each other over text, and the discussions have been warm.  We tried to make time this week, but I got derailed with a family matter and had to postpone.  Our much-anticipated date comes next week, and I'll fill you in when that occurs. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

She Said All the Right Things

Jade could not speak with me last week upon her return, as her cell service at home was spotty.  But we texted at length:
Me: You laid some heavy shit on me last week and I'm wondering if/how it got resolved.
Her: Everything's resolves [sic].  The mercury retrograde is over. LOL... no, but in all seriousness, I had an epiphany while I was away and I realized how very lucky I was in life and I should stop bitching.  I mean, I get to do my dream job and I'm sooo close to greatness. I need to shut the fuck up and be grateful for what I have and how far I've come. And I have u to thank for helping me stay afloat so thank u and I love u sooo much for caring about me
Me: Nice realization.  But, he hit you, and then you vacationed with him.  I'm just curious about the choice.
Her: Yeah...he owed me a vacation.  I wasn't about to turn down that... if he can't fuck me, he may as well take me away.  Besides we had a very long talk about how much we care [about] and love each other but probably better to be best friends and working buddies
Me: That sounds like a very reasonable decision :-) So there was no sex on this trip?
Her: We had sex once.  Yeah.  Not gonna lie
Me: Again, it's a curious choice.  I don't know if I could have allowed myself to be that vulnerable with a person who perpetrated an act of violence against me.  Unless, of course, you were exaggerating when you told me.
Her: Oh, don't be mistaken... I beat the shit out of him too.  It wasn't like poor little me getting slapped.  I attacked him like a pitbull with rabies. LOL  And smashed his phone in a million little itty bitty pieces ;-D  That was the most passion in our relationship in awhile.  LOL (I'm so sick in the head, I know!!)
Me: Either I wasn't listening the other day, or you never mentioned that to me.  I'm just trying to know you better, J.  And to find where I fit in in your life.
Her: No I def told u
Me: I remember you saying you fought back, but not that you broke his phone.
Her: I'll talk to u more about it another time.  I'm in a really good frame of mind, which is rare and I don't wanna re-hash this anymore.
Me: You and I will need to have a long talk too ;-)  How about a real, honest-to-goodness date next week?  I buy you dinner and we talk and get real.
Her: I would LOVE that :)
Unfortunately, this week she has the flu, so we'll put that off until next week.  She said everything right, and she's back in my good graces.  But we'll see how her actions match her words.

Sugar Daddies need honesty too.