Friday, July 31, 2015

Change is (Definitely) Coming

Three weeks ago today, I posted that my job situation is potentially changing again.  Today that possibility is more real, as the company where I'm seeking employment asked me to apply yesterday. That means that within a couple of weeks, after the standard background check, an offer will be forthcoming.

The downside is that the offer will probably not be all I wanted, but what they will offer will be good enough for me to make the move.  I could be making as much if not more money than I'm making now within a couple of months.

Complicating this is that at my current job, there is a good chance that steps are being taken that will radically reduce my income potential.  The effect will be that my job would be immediately in jeopardy.  Not a huge problem, since I've already decided to leave, but enough to cause stress in my home.

Staci and I will probably get together one or two more times, and then I'll have the choice to end things permanently or just for a while.  Right now, I'm enjoying her and the sex so much that I'm hoping to be able to return to her in a few months once I'm settled into the new gig, but if it ends permanently, I'm sure there will be someone new reasonably soon.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Sugar Baby Informal Poll

A reader called me out on my last post about Sugar Babies learning to manage their money.  For one thing, she suggested I was condescending and assuming they were all dumb about financial management.  Not true!  I'm sure there are many Sugar Babies who learned money management from either their Sugar Daddies (or their daddies of origin) or school, or wherever.  In my experience over seven years, however, I've noticed that the Sugar Babies in their 20s follow the pattern of many people (male and female) their age who do not save enough to prepare for the future.  In my line of work, I get to see the financial conditions of many people, ranging in age from 20s to 70s.  In general, I would say that most of them haven't saved enough to support themselves when they're no longer working.  Women (and men) in their 20s must complete the boring task of setting aside enough funds each paycheck in order to build up enough reserves that will last long into one's later years.  They have no idea how much money it will take to support any level of lifestyle above poverty fifty years from now.  Best to prepare.

Another thing she said was that the Sugar Baby I cited in my example was probably just playing the sugar game and hustling up dough she could already have had but didn't feel like spending.  That could be true, and I hadn't really thought that Sugar Babies were playing the Daddies out there (who might actually allow themselves to be played in exchange for their companionship).

Finally, she implied that most of the Sugar Babies I was with probably had more than one Sugar Daddy and was playing all of us.  Could be.  I certainly wouldn't like hearing that it was 100% true, more because of what it would say about me than about them.

Still, that last observation got me thinking, and I'd like to put it out there to the Sugar Baby community in an informal poll:

How many of you have told a Sugar Daddy that he is the only one you are seeing, while you have secretly been seeing at least one other Sugar Daddy?

Please leave comments!  You can do so anonymously if you like.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sugar Babies -- Learn to Manage Your Money!

Today I read a tweet from a Sugar Baby that read, "Need a sugar daddy to pay to fix my car since some bitch backed into me."

This SB lives in Las Vegas.  I did some online research, and in Nevada it's a requirement that anyone with a car needs to have insurance.  If Joe Schmo backs into her and it's his fault, his insurance pays for her damages.  If he doesn't have insurance, she can buy coverage for that.  In both cases, however, she usually doesn't have to cough up the deductible.

This Sugar Baby probably doesn't have insurance -- putting her at risk of losing the ability to drive a car -- or if she does, she lacks the funds for repairs that aren't covered or lacks the funds even for the deductible.  In any event, this is a classic example of someone who can't manage her money.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Should a Sugar Baby Follow Her Daddy When He Moves?

Staci and I got together today for the third time.  I have to remember not to schedule dates during times when street sweepers are in her neighborhood.  Parking there is tough enough as it is, and with one side of every street unavailable for three hours in the middle of the day, it took me 15 minutes to find a parking spot nearly half a mile away from her apartment.  Worse yet, I got to the door to her building and realized I'd left the money envelope on the passenger's seat of my car!  No way I was going to leave it there and get it at the end of the date, so I got to her apartment and told her, "Put some clothes on, you have to drive me to my car."  She answered the door in a short bathrobe and was naked underneath, so it was tragic that our date had to begin this way.

Fifteen minutes later, we were back in her apartment and undressing.  I'd brought a camcorder and tripod with me and set them up in her room to shoot ourselves having sex. She was nervous about it at first, but I told her I'd never share it with anyone, ever, and she just went with it.  "You'll probably forget that it's even there," I said.

She did forget.  The sex, of course, defied expectations.  By the way, I learned that all those homemade porn videos are harder to make than I thought.  I realized that there'd be far more starting and stopping to get the camera to a better/different angle, or for me to retrieve it from the tripod to do some POV work.  Next time, I'll leave the camcorder where it is and use my cell phone to shoot close ups and then edit them together. Won't get a color match, but at least I'll get a resolution match.

After we had sex we talked about my upcoming job change.  She's clear that, because of where the job is and the hours I'll have to devote to commuting, we would have to stop seeing each other.  Then she said something I didn't see coming: "I've been thinking about relocating to [where my job will be located].  It's not like I need to be here in this part of town to do my work.  I can live anywhere." Her family and all her friends live close to where she lives now, but she said she could work around that.

So here's how I'm thinking about this: What the fuck?  Why in the world would she be willing to follow me around for a $1,000 monthly allowance?  And even though I am that great a guy (in and out of bed), should she do this?  As good a man as I believe I am, I wouldn't do this if I were her.

I'd love to hear about other Sugar Babies who have followed their Sugar Daddies when they relocated. I'd like to know how it ultimately worked out.  If the relationship ended, does the Sugar Baby move back to where she was before?  Or does she stay there and make a go of it in the new location?

Monday, July 20, 2015

Seven Things Every Sugar Baby Profile Should Have

A reader asked me to write about the attributes of an "intriguing profile."  Basically, what grabs my attention when scrolling through the dozens of profiles I examine when searching for my next Sugar Baby.  I'd like to think that I'm unique in the way I see things -- my particular level of success in attracting gorgeous women could single me out, at least in my own feeble mind -- but the reality is probably more that I'm like most men in the Sugar Bowl.  I want someone cute who likes me enough to be with me more than the others.  I want someone intelligent enough to be curious about the world beyond fashion, beyond interpersonal relationships, and beyond where the next raging club party is.

So here are seven things a Sugar Baby can do to draw me in with her profile:
  1. Put up the best photos you have.  The primary function of photos is to show a potential Sugar Daddy how attractive you are.  I have a particular taste in women, and there are definite turn-offs for me, but that doesn't mean that some other guy won't be completely turned on by what you post.  But by all means, put up something.  If a Sugar Baby has a profile without a photo, I will never read what she has written.  And, whenever possible, make sure the pics you post are the best representation of who you are.  Don't put up tiny, low-resolution pictures that pixillate when viewed on a larger screen.  Don't put up dark pics where I can't see your face.  Don't put up pics of everything but your face. And, don't put up pics of just your face.  Include full-length body pics that accentuate your best features.  Nudity or near-nudity is not essential (though what guy would complain, really?).  These pictures can be bathroom mirror selfies, car selfies, whatever -- just be certain that they are the best representations of who you are.  I remember one potential SB who posted a picture of her laughing out loud, wide open mouth, closed eyes, head thrown back.  It was perfect; it showcased that she had a sense of humor (essential in the Sugar Bowl), and didn't appear to be artificial, but also conveyed that she wanted to have fun. I met her and had sex with her, though it didn't last (for other reasons).
  2. Write in complete sentences.  All of your English teachers were right to stress writing complete sentences to answer questions.  Being able to communicate effectively in your writing shows that you are intelligent, thoughtful, deliberative, and careful to get your specific ideas across.  Writing abbreviations like "idk" (I don't know), "lol", or the dreaded "u", and avoiding proper punctuation are fine for text messaging when brevity helps, but if you can't manage to write out a complete idea in a complete sentence using complete words, I'm less likely to be attracted enough to reach out to you or respond to your reaching out to me.  Oh, and use a spell-check program.  If you're uncertain about the spelling of a word, use a word that you can spell.  Doing these things are more likely to attract successful men who have valued effective communication as a means to their own success.
  3. Be transparent.  You are who you are, you have great qualities and you have some not-so-great qualities.  Let your potential SDs see them all right away.  If, for example, you're a single mother, say so.  Don't let that be a detail that gets revealed later.  I may not choose single mothers as Sugar Babies, but other men have no problem with it.  Get all of your shit out up front: smoking, marital status, family status, financial needs.  The trick, however, is to do it in such a way that is neither apologetic nor defensive.  Here's an example of how not to do it: "I have a kid, so if that bothers you, please select someone else."  A better way to put it: "One of the greatest blessings in my life is my x-year-old child.  I love being a mother and have done a great job making sure my child can be looked after so that I can devote my attention to you when we're together."  You've just turned a potential liability into something that shows your potential SD that you can solve problems and avoid drama, the two biggest turn-offs in any Sugar Relationship.
  4. Be very conscious of how much (or how little) you write.  There's only so much time I can devote to scrolling through profiles.  I spend a few seconds looking at pics, and if I'm attracted to you, I'll read what you've written.  If, however, I have to scroll down and slog through the first chapter of your memoir, I'm done.  If you've written a lot, go back and edit it down to cover just the essentials.  Telling stories in your profile are filler; take them out.  Similarly, if you can't manage a few complete sentences to convey who you are and whom you want to meet, then I see that as contempt for both me and the selection process.  Your profile is your Sugar resume: it has to show the best part of you or you won't get "the job."
  5. Express a willingness to negotiate your financial terms.  My relationship with C would never have happened had she not shown in her profile that she was open to different levels of assistance.  You never know if that mid-level guy is the perfect SD for you if your eyes are blinded by dollar signs.  Your profile will get far more attention from quality men if you respectfully convey that you are looking for the right relationship, not just the guy with the fattest wallet.
  6. Even if you are a Princess, be a regular girl.  In fact, if I read phrases like "treat me like the princess I am" or "I want to be pampered" or "I'm looking to be spoiled with the finer things in life," I click Next.  These phrases convey selfishness, and that's the last thing I want in a Sugar Baby. I'm not saying that there aren't men who like pampering a princess with the finer things in life, but that's a pretty shallow talent pool.   I don't mind a little bit of looking out for #1, but these arrangements are real relationships just like any other non-sugar relationship, and they involve give and take, shared values, and plain old human interaction.  Demonstrate in your profile that you're just a regular girl, and you're more likely to attract men who want to do the best they can by you.  
  7. Say that you'll answer every note you receive (so long as they show they have read your profile).  It's different for men, I think, in that we probably receive fewer messages from the SBs.  I know of some SBs who get literally hundreds of messages, and it will take time to wade through them all.  If you write something like, "I'm not sure how many responses I'll get, but I will answer every message that shows they've at least read my profile," then the men you wish to attract will read your profile and let you know that they're interested. One little request: even if you're not interested in a man who contacts you, write a note back saying, "Thanks for your note, but I don't think we'll be a good match. Good luck."  
So there you have it.  I'd be more than happy to hear your thoughts and/or suggestions.  

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I Am Ruined as a Sugar Daddy

Nearly five years ago, I broke up with C (back then I called her Hayden) for the second time.  She had just canceled a date with me for the third week in a row, during the craziness of studying for finals and preparing for the holidays.  And it had happened on the Worst. Day. Ever.

In my anger, I'd emailed C and ended the relationship, nearly 18 months after it had begun.  And she graciously accepted it and that was that.  Or so I'd thought.  See, I hadn't been totally truthful about the reasons I was ending it.  I made mention of the fact that she had canceled three dates in a row, but I used that as a pretext for talking about the amount of money I'd invested in her that I could have spent on my family.  In other words, I deliberately tried to make her feel more guilty than she might already have felt.  Manipulative fucker, I was.

It didn't take long for me to come to my senses and realize what a huge mistake I'd made.  However, C flat out refused to see me again.

A couple of weeks later, after the holidays and the craziness, I tried again and asked her to have lunch with me, so I could fully explain my actions.  She consented, but later backed out, saying our relationship was "fun, but now over."  Disappointed though I was, I didn't try to push it further, and sent her another good-bye email the next day to wish her well.

One little comment I made in that second email was that she'd "ruined me" for everyone else.  It wasn't true of course; I was being light-hearted as a means of coping with my sadness.  I began another arrangement several weeks later with a girl named Dale, which lasted a couple of months.

Reflecting on that little comment today, more than four years later, I realized that I was actually right. She did, in fact, ruin me for all the other women who followed.  Readers of my blog will know that we did get back together, and I made a fateful error in deciding to continue seeing her even when I found out she had a serious man in her life (they have now been together for five years), and I fell in love with her, and experienced real heartbreak when she finally ended our relationship nearly three years ago.

Since C and I parted ways, I have not had as meaningful a relationship with any other woman.  And I could blame all these women over the past two years for all the shit they pulled (Jade, in particular), but the real truth of it is, I cannot see the particular conditions that led to all that happened between C and me happening again.  Back then, I lacked the experience and wisdom to know how the Sugar game worked.  I didn't really know that none of it worked without the money.  I naively believed that real emotions were possible within the context of that kind of relationship.  But after C's departure, and subsequent revelations about her true feelings toward the end of our time together, I find it impossible now to trust any of them fully.  The money does its part, of course.  I can never fully trust any woman who consents to spend time with me only if I invest in their lifestyle/bills/whatever.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule.  David Montrose over at Sugar Daddy Diary seems to have the mojo to straddle the line between the game and real love.  However, he'd be the first to admit when he let his emotions get the better of him and knock him on his ass.  For me, though, I have to keep it very superficial, and avoid the messy emotional entanglements.  This will mean that most, if not all, of my arrangements now and in the future will be shorter in length and less fulfilling.
I am, absolutely, ruined.

A Couple of Really Good Sugar Dating Lessons

Every once in awhile, a few writers other than I explain the ins and outs of Sugar Dating far better than I ever could.  These two blog posts, one from Seeking Arrangement and one from, brilliantly cover some valuable lessons for Sugar Babies.

Seeking Arrangement's post concerns how Sugar Babies need to conduct themselves when involved with a married Sugar Daddy (you can understand why this would be a topic of interest to me!). Here's the best part of it:
Be about more than the money. There is nothing more difficult than trying to genuinely enjoy someone else’s presence and connect, only to gaze into their lovely eyes and see nothing but dollar signs. We understand what type of relationship this is and thoroughly understand the foundation. For the exchange of monetary compensation, we seek your undivided attention and time. Try to remain in the moment.
I've blogged on websites other than this one, and in one such post, which I wrote nearly a year and a half ago, I argued that these liaisons don't work without the money. Here's an admonition I level at Sugar Babies:
I’m sure that there are plenty of you who have wonderful rapport with your Daddies, and that you’d never say anything dishonest so that the money would keep flowing. You wouldn’t, for example, tell your Daddy that you were exclusive while simultaneously fishing for other Daddies so that you’d make even more money. You wouldn’t tell your Daddy how sweet you thought he was while you secretly couldn’t stand him and his chubby, hairy body, just so that you could get next month’s allowance and pay your rent. You would never fake an orgasm. so that he’d feel adequate in bed and continue to invest in your lifestyle. I truly don’t mean to convey bitterness here: these are things I’ve experienced or read about on both Daddy and Baby blogs. If you are going to make it about the money, that’s fine. But be honest about it.  Don’t lead him on: move on if things get emotionally sticky, whether for him or for you. And most of all: don’t think he’s going to choose you over his family. 
The reality here is that there are more than enough Sugar Babies out there who will only make it about the allowance and will feign attraction or interest in their Daddies to keep the money flowing. Leah, on the day I left her, told me that "single women sleep with married men for only two reasons: to get his money, or to break up his marriage."  She was wrong, of course; there are lots of other reasons they do, and there are even some healthy, mature reasons that don't deserve our derision.  The best Sugar Babies, however, will not feign anything.  In fact, they'll be there because their Daddies are genuinely good men who command their attention in and out of the bedroom.  The point here is honesty.  If you're all about the dollars, then don't be surprised or disappointed when he leaves you.

The post was more general in nature but had one very good tidbit:
Act like you’re in a relationship, because you and your Sugar Daddy ARE in a relationship. It may not be the orthodox type, but its still a relationship and it may grow into something you never imagined at first. Never give the impression you are just on a date because its an obligation and you just want to get your allowance and go home. You won’t see your Sugar Daddy many more times, that’s for sure. Respect goes both ways, so treat your Sugar Daddy with the same level of respect you want for yourself.
I've maintained for years that these arrangements are relationships.  In a closure email I sent to C, I called our arrangement a "three-year, frequently-interrupted, slow-motion experiment in illicit love." Today, I'd simply call it a love affair, because that's what it was.  In fact, I'd call every arrangement I've had that lasted longer than a few months a love affair.  Between me and either C or Audrey or Jade (or even Leah), there were emotional ties created and emotional ties broken. They were relationships in every sense of the word, with the added twist of the financial foundation.  The money issue has always caused me to doubt the sincerity of the women I am with -- and I suppose that will continue for the time being -- but doubt creeps into every relationship at some point or other.  It's just that trust is so foundational to any relationship that these arrangements can never last very long.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Change Is Coming (Maybe)

The job I took more than three months ago has turned out to be a bust.  Not going to go into details, but it's not working for me, and I'm leaving as soon as I land a new job.  Through networking I've managed to get an interview with a company where a former colleague works, and I'm fairly confident that I'll be brought on board in the next 30-45 days.  I can barely contain myself about this job, as it's working in my favorite business.

On the upside, I'll probably double or even triple my income in about a year.  On the downside, however, the commute is a bitch, and completely in the other direction from where Staci lives.  My hours will be early morning till evening including the drive, and I'll be in my office for the entire day. No more sales calls out in the field -- no more mid-afternoon dates!

I let Staci know yesterday.  We had planned to meet up that day, but she texted me two hours ahead and told me she'd wrecked her car.  She sent a picture to prove it.  My schedule didn't permit me to see her today, and won't permit me to see her all of next week either.  Staci and I will have perhaps one or two more dates before I start the new job.  Definitely, I feel disappointment that yet another relationship will likely end before it began.

The job promises to make me a lot of money, as I said earlier.  This will require me to dedicate a lot of time to it up front to make sure I'm on solid ground.  I can't say for sure just yet, but I'll probably go offline for a short time before I find another Sugar Baby.

On a positive note, DW and I are getting along better than we have in a long time.  We're going on nine months without intercourse, and I'm obviously not happy about that, but I have felt closer than ever to a place of full acceptance that we are probably done with sex as a couple.  When I feel that I can, I'll discuss this with her and we'll have an honest discussion about what to do next.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Jade Gone (Again)

This morning I texted Jade to confirm our date, and she wrote back that she had, again, changed her mind about meeting, and asked me not to try to convince her otherwise.  "I won't," I assured her. "Remember that I was the one who didn't want to resume an arrangement with you."  

Jade wasn't done. "It's just that I don't think I can trust you anymore."  That one made me laugh! "YOU can't trust ME?" I asked. "Exactly when did I do anything to you that caused you to doubt that I was true to my word?"  "I don't like the way you treated that girl whose picture you shared," she wrote. "Makes me wary of what you'd do to me." 

Well, she hit the nerve, didn't she?  She's no dummy.  "I confided that to you because I wanted you to see that I'd learned from my mistake, not so you could use it against me later.  Stupid me, I guess."

"I just can't go through with it, I'm sorry."

"Says the girl who heard all of that and then said we should be fucking each other?  Excuse me for being a little harsh, since we're all entitled to change our minds, but you sure put on quite the act at the restaurant, didn't you?  You had me nearly convinced that you'd gone through your dark days and come out feeling free. That you still wanted me.  I was wary enough not to commit to anything, and I realized almost right away that you were still the lost girl I said goodbye to nearly two years ago. You haven't really changed all that much.  However, I still love you, and I hope you get the help you so clearly need."

Silence from the other end.

"Since you gave me your address already, just know that it disappears with all the texts I'm about to delete, as well as your phone number.  Bye bye."

It's so great that my gut reaction to our lunch was that resuming anything with Jade was wrong for me.  I'm not going to pretend that I fully trusted my gut, but I sure did listen to it long and hard.  Next time I feel something in my gut different than what my head (or my cock) tell me, I'll be more sure to go with it.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

How My Head Works With Jade

So Jade told me over lunch that she wants to fuck me again and begin a new arrangement.  As I wrote about it earlier, I just don't think I can do it.  For the past several days I've spent not a few minutes trying to figure out how to tell her "no thanks."

Dealing with her interest in me is like holding my hand above a flame and slowly lowering it to see how much heat I can stand before it fucking burns.  The flame is just so beautiful, the heat inviting, but too close and OUCH!  I've been so careful not to get too close.

After our lunch she texted me to invite me to her house (guest house, actually) and hang out with her for the afternoon, presumably to fuck and talk and fuck some more.  I didn't think I could tell her no thanks over a text (too rude), so I agreed to meet her in a week.  "We should talk some more," I wrote her.

The day before we were supposed to meet I sent her a confirming text.  I was heading into a client meeting and put my phone on silent, but she responded.  I didn't see it until after the meeting:
Honestly I'm not comfortable about it anymore.
What did this mean?  Was she uncomfortable inviting me over to her place, or was she reconsidering the whole idea of being with me again?  I didn't know, so I asked.  No answer for at least 20 minutes, so I imagined the worst: that she had changed her mind and no longer wanted to resume our relationship.  I had to assess how I felt about this, but it didn't take long for me to realize that she'd done me a favor in scrapping the whole idea.  So now I didn't feel so bad texting her a goodbye:
I will presume that it's the latter and not the former.  If I told you I was disappointed, I'd be lying.  I'm actually relieved.  The truth is, I still love you, and I could never return to an arrangement with you.  The only relationship I would ever want with you is something much deeper and more meaningful for both of us, something that isn't corrupted by the financial aspect.  You did me a solid favor by changing your mind.  Thank you!  Have a wonderful life.
 And then, the worst possible outcome of that text:
I am in a motherfucking [meeting] right now.
I can't even read that whole text you just sent
I do not feel comfortable bringing people to my place
She then sent me a shot of her phone's main screen, which showed she had 35 unread text messages.
Get it?!?!?!?!
I decided not to engage with her at all and hold my ground.
Sorry you're having a stressful day. If your circumstances change so that you can have both me and my penis, get in touch.  Love you.
She replied with a huge laughing text, and an apology.  "I hate people," she wrote.

Later that night she texted that she was calming down and that her current project was almost done. She asked if I would meet her early next week.  I said yes, but where?  She said her place, which puzzled me and I said so, but I asked for her address.  Then she said she wanted to meet at our old hotel, which is no longer all that charming (and a lot more expensive).  Further, I don't want to spend money on a hotel room if I'm not planning to fuck her.  The temptation would be just too great.  At her place I could actually leave if need be, and she could feel safe in her own space to express her emotions.

I'm seeing shades of the old Jade: manipulative, emotionally untethered, and pretty fucking self-absorbed.  I don't have time for this drama.

I want to be clear about something I wrote in my long text above.  When Jade and I were together, I told her I loved her.  And, like C before her, when I love a woman, I love her always.  I still love my first wife, I still love C, and I still love Jade.