Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Latest Post on Let's Talk Sugar

My latest blog post on Let's Talk Sugar has been posted.  It offers some advice to SBs who are on the receiving end of a married Sugar Daddy's abrupt departure from her life (and the sugar bowl, in general).


Thursday, December 22, 2016

Update on My Marriage

My DW and I will be starting marriage counseling next month.  This, after a conversation we had the day after I saw my therapist.

First I told her that I could sympathize with her. She'd said last weekend that part of her pain was because she felt "embarrassed" at not being able to please me sexually.  In her words, "I can't even do the basics of a wife well." A few days later, after I'd had time to process that, I said, "I can definitely sympathize.  I was embarrassed too.  I couldn't get my wife to have sex with me."

Then, I plainly put it to her that, while we could spin around and around talking about my "infraction," the only way we were going to get past it was to speak to someone impartial, who is trained to listen and to offer guidance.  At first, I didn't think she took me seriously, but the next day she told me as we were preparing dinner that she'd made a call to a local counseling center and that we would schedule an appointment in January.  I gave her a kiss and thanked her.  "You were pretty clear with me that it was the only way to move ahead," she said, "so I took you at your word."

I had just gotten done telling my therapist that I didn't think she'd ever agree to therapy, having walked out of therapy five years ago before we started talking about sex, and having told me just a week or so ago that she didn't think there was anything useful to get out of therapy, either for herself or for us.  I guess she's more invested in the marriage than she realized, and doesn't want a divorce.

Meanwhile, I keep getting text messages from old sugar contacts.  Two days ago one sent me a nude pic and asked me to keep her warm.  I said I was off the market and she didn't respond.

I'm staying out of touch with everyone, including Mel.  I miss her a lot though, and I think of her often.  Maybe, when DW and I agree on terms for me having sex outside the marriage, I'll get to see her again, but I'm not holding out any hope.

Happy Everything!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Say What You Want, Always

Nearly nine years ago, my DW told me she didn't care if she ever had sex again. Despite the fact that I was staring at the end of sex in my marriage, I didn't ask the right question. In hindsight, I instead chose a clever tactic that wound up forcing me to compartmentalize my life. When she suggested in the next breath that I find a girlfriend to have sex with, I again didn't ask the right question. Again I got too clever, and gave her a way to wriggle out of that suggestion, when in my heart I knew it was probably the right way to go.  I tread too lightly when I should have marched right into that issue and hashed it out with DW until it got resolved.

For more than three years after that I worked my secret life as a Sugar Daddy, growing more and more resentful that I had to sneak around in the shadows to satisfy my sexual needs, rather than confronting my DW about it. When the resentment grew too great and threatened other areas of our marriage to the point where divorce was a real option for me, I demanded that we enter counseling. My DW didn't register a single objection, clearly indicating that she agreed we needed help.

However, three months into counseling, just as we had resolved other issues around parenting and money, and were about to tackle the real reason I'd wanted counseling in the first place -- sexual incompatibility -- DW abruptly pulled out of counseling, saying that she wanted to be done. I did not insist we continue, but instead continued my fun with C/Hayden until we broke up just after a milestone birthday.  That birthday, coupled with a new job I hated and C/Hayden's departure from my life, left me feeling despondent and helpless. I had no one to talk to about it; Wanda was not helpful, and I had no trusted male friendships who could offer perspective.

Six months later, I found a circle of men I could trust to support me through that difficult time, but I wasn't ready to share the full story of why I was depressed. Some of them knew DW closely, and I didn't feel safe sharing that I was a Sugar Daddy with men who would later socialize with the two of us.

As I did work on myself, my resentment towards DW was dissipating, but the anxiety about my extramarital activity began to wear on me. I careened back and forth between anger and despair and bargaining, anything to try to bring DW to a place where she had the courage and the openness to deal with the need to redefine our marriage such that I could continue my activities out in the open. That time never arrived.

Nearly two years ago, DW and I had sex for what might be the last time, interrupted by her feeling real pain from my being inside her.  It was around that time that I realized that if I didn't make peace with this situation and accept DW as she was, I'd be out the door, and I didn't want that. Six months later, she told me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, and she pretty much shut the door on talking about it.  That was the end of our sex life, as I saw it. It gave me the clarity to accept it as it was, and to feel free to pursue my sugar activities without a shred of guilt.

In hindsight, I started to get less careful about hiding my activities, and caring less about what would happen if DW found out. I would come home from a date with the smell of sex still on me, with my SB's pussy on my breath, or her perfume on my clothes.  I had more public dates for lunch, in neighborhoods where I knew more people. And I didn't bother to hide all my financial transactions, instead basically daring DW to open my personal mail.

We all know how that turned out.

In four days it will be one month since she found me out. The first week was the hardest, but things have settled down to a degree, as we have returned to familiar routines of child-rearing and house-keeping.  But some of the discussions we've had have been intense, and have taken us in a new direction.  When I said to her, "We're sexually incompatible, and it's time for us to redefine what it means to be married to each other," there was no way to take that back. She now knows that I'm aiming to change the terms. Sex will never again be the topic that doesn't get discussed because it's just too uncomfortable, too scary.

In a long-term, committed relationship, it's too important to leave things unsaid. If you want something from your sweetheart, say what it is. Don't ever not say what it is. Avoiding the topic creates tension and resentment, erodes trust, and ultimately poisons the relationship.

There are ways to say what you want without being hurtful, but if your sweetheart feels hurt by what you're bringing up in a respectful and honest way, it's not as important as your saying what it is you want.  Hurt feelings can heal; broken trust can too, but it's much, much harder. So opt for hurt feelings over broken trust.

As I see it, DW has three choices: one, she can do the work on herself necessary to help her locate her sexual center, so that she can connect with me on a deeper level that is more fun and more romantic; and two, she can opt not to do self-reflection, and step aside so that I can attend to my needs as I see fit, without her interference.  We can combine the two as well.  The third choice is to decide not to deal with the issue, in which case I'll be forced to leave. I have always said I didn't marry DW for the sex, and that our nonexistent sex life is not grounds for divorce.  If I decide to leave the marriage, it'll be because I have a wife who is not committed to doing the work necessary to keep the relationship alive and functional. While I don't think DW wants that -- I don't either -- it has to be on the table so that she understands that we can never go back to the way things were.  Everything out in the open, no regrets, and no resentments.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Apply This Rule to Sugar Dating

I consider myself pretty good at recognizing a quality potential SB, but too often I've settled for less than what I wanted because nothing else better came along.

Today I read Fuck Yes or No, a great article by Mark Manson, a self-styled "life enthusiast" and thinker.  He makes a convincing case for applying the rule of "Fuck Yes or No" when looking for people in your life. The concept is simple: why would you want to spend time with anyone who wasn't totally excited to be with you, and why would anyone spend time with you if you're not totally excited to be with him/her? If you encounter someone who is interested in you, and you're not thinking "Fuck yes I want to be with that person!" then move on. Conversely, if that person isn't acting like "Fuck yes, I want to be with" you, then move on.

In the Sugar world, things aren't that complicated.  You see a profile of someone you like, you send a message, and hope for a return message.  If you don't get a message for a few days, that person isn't feeling "Fuck yes" for you, so it's a No and you move to the next one. If, however, you get an enthusiastic message and a request to meet, then that's a green light. But don't just agree to meet. Assess your own feelings first; are you feeling that enthusiasm, that "Fuck yes!" excitement? If so, proceed!  If not, write back and say, "Thanks, but I've already met someone."

I think it's important to keep checking in on yourself and your SB or SD to make sure that you're both still feeling "Fuck yes!" There is one complication: the money.  As I've written before on another blog, this shit doesn't work without the money. But once the money greases the wheels, you still need to apply the rule of "Fuck Yes or No" when determining whether or not to remain in the arrangement.

Of the significant arrangements I've had over the past eight-plus years -- CC, C/Hayden, Jade, Leah, Audrey, Staci, Aussie, and Mel -- I can say that there was only one for whom I did not feel "Fuck yes!" and that was CC, my first.  I felt total enthusiasm for the others -- although I held back with C/Hayden because I didn't think she was my type, physically.  Once we slept together, though, I was all in with her for three years.  Mel did kind of drop into my lap, but after that first date I was hooked on her (still am, miss her a lot).

I think the reason why, out of the 52 women I've had sex with since becoming a Sugar Daddy, I've only had significant stretches with eight of them, is because I've settled for less than a "Fuck Yes" when deciding whether or not to pursue them, or have been OK with their being less than "Fuck Yes" with me. Two who immediately come to mind are Mouse and Fleur. When I had lunch with Mouse in Spring 2015, I was less than enthusiastic and so was she. But we still fucked because she wanted her allowance and I wanted to get laid. It was a miserable time.  With Fleur, I immediately knew she wasn't right for me but I went ahead with it anyway, with awful results.

After reading this article, I'm more determined than ever to do this right.

When I emerge from the doghouse in which I currently reside (noting that my actual dog lives in utter bliss right alongside my DW), my dating rules for Sugar will change.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

A Missed Porn Star Opportunity

I fucked a porn star, who I called Kyra, a little less than six years ago.  Read about my encounter with her here.  I thoroughly enjoyed the one time I was with her, and I even thought about seeing her again once I'd discovered that she had become an escort. But that never happened.

Also, in the past few months, while out searching for threesome partners for Mel and me, I found Mo on the Sugar Daddy website. Unlike Kyra, Mo is a very well-known porn star, and used her porn star name as her profile name. She had asked for more allowance than I usually agree to, but I figured that the sex would be phenomenal and worth the additional investment. Watching her work, it's clear that she is very talented. The girl did pretty much anything under the sun, and I thought it might be a great addition to Mel and me.  Sadly, my DW found out about my activities before I could make any headway in that area. I sent Mo a text a week or so ago letting her know and she said a quick "I'm so sorry" before disappearing.  (A quick update: I'm still in the house, and in the bed, still making progress on her list of things I need to do to earn her trust -- a list that will grow over the next several months.)

Now, this morning, I was watching porn while the rest of the family was out doing stuff.  Please don't judge me: now that I won't be getting laid for quite some time, porn has become my best friend. If my cock doesn't fall off first, I'll be enjoying porn for at least a little while. I came across a scene that piqued my interest and started watching. Who do I see on the screen but Alena, a potential I'd met for lunch earlier this year, but who I ultimately rejected, when I was just starting out with Aussie. I recognized both her cute face, her crooked teeth, and the tattoos on both her left arm and her neck. Needless to say, I got off hard watching her perform.  A quick search later revealed that Alena has quite a body of work, with some very hardcore, very rough sex.  Being spat on, choked, throat-fucked, and some serious anal pounding. I'm sort of glad I didn't see any of that before, but part of me wishes she'd let me know who she really was and tried to hook up.

Just something I thought I'd share with y'all.