The last weekend found us dealing with the kids -- sports competitions, homework, food -- and we spent very little time with each other. Unfortunately, DW got her period over the weekend, so that meant some very unpredictable emotional outbursts. She lost her cool more times than I can count. And I just know that when I bring this up with her she'll blame my tone of voice, or the kids' rowdy behavior (which was a little over-rowdy given how little quality time we got to spend on things other than homework), and she'll take very little responsibility for her role in everything.
I know that I'm supposed to navigate this minefield of her emotions without complaining, and I really am not doing that. I take care of what I need to take care of -- master my territory, listen, care, cooperate, be emotionally connected, and come up with innovative ways to make her happy -- and she's supposed to feel so well supported that she doesn't act out like this. But in some ways it's horseshit. Her emotional outbursts are governed by hormones, and externalities might soften them a bit, but they never entirely eliminate them.
Our early morning affection sessions also took a turn over the weekend, and this morning we spent very little time touching each other. Plus, the TV was on, and it's supposed to stay off. I just didn't have the energy to deal with that so I just let it go. Tonight I'll bring it all up just so we can keep present with our communication.
Meanwhile, I keep reaching out to Mel just to keep fanning the flame of interest. She shares my dismay that we haven't been together in over four months. She's still looking for a new job, and that's not going well, and she hasn't found a new SD, so getting back to an arrangement would solve multiple problems for her. How do I bring her back into my life if and when DW and I come to terms with an open marriage? It's going to be tricky:
- I'd have to figure out a way to introduce DW to the concept of an allowance for Mel when my previous disclosures omitted it.
- I'd have to probably change Mel's name since I gave it to DW at the outset of her discovery. That part should be pretty easy, actually.
- I'd have to make sure Mel's emotions are held in check. I know that she's got feelings for me or she'd have easily moved on from me. If she were to get too emotionally hooked, that would feel like a high for me, but it would be a dangerous one.
Tick tick tick...