Wednesday, August 30, 2017

On Playing With Fire

All day yesterday, and into the night, I was having a "What the fuck am I doing?" crisis. Jade was coming back to town today, and I'd offered to pick her up and drive her to a friend's house before heading into the office. It added 40 extra miles to my drive today, and I kind of hate driving. So there was that. Plus, I was seeing Jade after two years of zero contact.  Like I said, What the fuck am I doing?

But at 8:00 a.m. today, as I was heading to my office after dropping my kid off at school, I got Jade's text that she'd just landed, half an hour early, and would meet me outside baggage claim so I could just drive up and get her. I arrived to the airport about 25 minutes later.

As I popped the trunk and got out of the car, we just ran into each other's arms and hugged a deep, satisfying hug. With her bag stowed, I quickly pulled out of the terminal and began the long drive to her temporary place.

The inside of my car provided the perfect place to have a private conversation to get caught up. I listened to her stories of what she'd been doing to make money and all the assorted dramas that were orbiting her at the moment, which were more than a few, including the fact that on the flight back, during a layover, she'd been robbed of her wallet and had been calling all over to cancel credit cards and connect with the DMV to get a new driver's license. (There is always something borderline tragic going on with Jade.)  Not going to go into too many details, but over the past two years she flitted back and forth between the west coast and the east coast and in between, working with friends and former lovers in various businesses.  She gave up her art, which had been a source of stress, but found success and peace in helping others achieve what she lacked the means and strength to do herself.  She spent time rekindling old flames, only to see them become untenable and toxic situations, which now necessitated her returning to the west coast.

With her stories done, I caught her up on everything that had happened since our lunch together in 2015, from my arrangement with Staci, to my soul-crushing attempt to begin something with Red, to my brief but amazing time with Aussie, and then to my intense but interrupted time with Mel. Jade's jaw dropped when I told her how DW had found out about my activities, and was intrigued at the idea of resuming an arrangement with me with DW's full knowledge. She even said she'd be down to have sex with both of us. I wasn't ready to go there, so I shot that shit down right away, which made her laugh. Jade has a great big, happy laugh that makes me smile.

The stories weren't over, and we didn't really want to stop talking, so we pulled up to a Starbucks and got a couple of teas and sat for about half an hour. We talked mostly about sex and sexuality, and how silly it is that people make sex out to be more important than everything in a relationship. It's as important as everything, of course, but not more important than everything, and if someone in a serious relationship thinks it is more important, then that's a fucked-up relationship that needs help. Meanwhile, Jade told me that she hadn't had sex in three months and was carrying around a little pink vibrator in her purse with spare batteries because she was climbing the walls with horniness.

Throughout my whole time with Jade, I pretty much held it together. I tried to kiss her in the car while at a stop light, but she said she hadn't brushed her teeth and felt disgusting. We both really, really wanted to fuck each other's brains out, and we will at some point, but she had her period and I was not going there either. 

The sexual energy has never abated between us, and that feels great, but I have to continue inspecting her to see if she's mentally capable of handling a mature arrangement with me. With her, I always feel like I'm lighting a match and holding it close to a big bundle of other matches, seeing how close I can get without lighting all the other matches in a big burst of flame that singes my hair, my clothes, and everything else. Also, the initial match is inevitably going to burn my fingers, and I know it, but I'm so far willing to endure the pain.

After a brief kiss at the drop off, I sent her a text on the way back to my office:

I'm just going to throw this out there, so please feel free to tell me to fuck off. I don't know what my timeline is for being fully available to resume our arrangement. Since neither of us has had sex in such a long time, do you think that we could just get together next week once or twice and fuck each other's brains out? I would only be to get the release that we both need.
She said she preferred starting our arrangement "asap because I honestly need some financial help."

Well, that just accelerated my efforts to work things through with DW.  I honestly don't know what will come of this. I'm not going to jeopardize my marriage right now when things are still fragile.  I can be patient and wait a little longer, so that may make a reunion with Jade impossible. Eventually, though, we'll need to come up with a solution that honors my terms.

Monday, August 28, 2017

On The Compression of Time

In less than two days, I will be picking Jade up from the airport and driving her to her friend's house, where she will stay for a week or so until her new place is available.  I offered to do this because I want to see Jade again.  There is no need to test the waters with her; she wants to resume an arrangement with me.  I have been intentionally vague with her about that, and have told her it's because I have a story to tell her and want her to be fully informed before she decides for sure.  Plus, I'm buying myself more time so that I can pave the way with DW to begin a non-monogamous period in our marriage. It's essential that it happen, even if just for a short period of time.

As Jade and I have exchanged texts over my work cell phone, I've noticed how time seems to have disappeared in just a few days.  I haven't seen Jade in more than two years.  Since our lunch in the summer of 2015, I've had three short arrangements -- Staci, Aussie, and Mel -- seen a number of others just once or twice -- College, Gemini, Fleur, Rachel, No-name, Natalie, KC, Chic, and MJ -- and had two frustrating false starts with Leah and Red.  Further, I've spent the past seven-plus months in therapy with DW repairing our relationship and healing the wounds that have gone untended for the past nine years.  And yet, even with all of that, seeing Jade will compress all of that into a little folder and make it seem like just yesterday when I gazed at her lovely face.

"I think we should get together for soup and sex," she texted me this morning. "Bullshit," I replied, "I know you're joking because you said 'soup.'"

The slope is slippery, but I will keep my feet under me.  I will not have sex with Jade unless and until DW consents to an open marriage.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

On Rejecting Offers of a Blow Job from One's Wife

Greetings, all. Been a bit busy of late, with school starting here and business picking up for me.  Not much time to write these days.

So about the title of this post: a few weeks ago, while the kids were away at camp, DW and I were in the shower and things got a little steamy.  She knelt down and took my cock in her mouth for about five seconds before I stopped her (albeit in the gentlest way possible).  It made me happy that she said she enjoyed doing it.  Later, over this past weekend, as the sun was coming up, DW rolled over, stroked me till I was hard (took about three seconds), and started to try to give me a blow job before I stopped her again.  This time it was because I didn't feel clean.

These two explanations for why I told DW not to blow me were superficial. The truth was I didn't want to go there with her because she really isn't good at giving head.  It goes beyond my being large and her mouth being small. I've been with small women who were masterful at sucking dick. It's just that she has never really learned how to do this, or ever really expressed a willingness to get better at it, despite my offers to teach her (or have someone else teach her).  I appreciate the steps DW is taking to become more sexual with me.  But I need to tell you the following story to put them into context.

The morning before our shower session, DW and I went to an estate sale and purchased a beautiful rug at a ridiculously low price.  A total score. We got the thing home, vacuumed it clean, and then moved all the furniture to take out the rug we were replacing.  Once we got the rug the furniture in place, we realized that the furniture, which we'd had for years and years and had long ago become eyesores after being destroyed by two crazy kids, needed to be replaced. We'd talked about it for years, but never felt it was time to pull the trigger on new furniture so long as the kids were too likely to spill shit on it.  Now that they were teens, however, we decided to pull the trigger and buy new furniture. We were laughing and excited and that carried into the shower. Her choice to try to give me a blow job was not prompted by anything special that I did or said. She was just being spontaneous.

Later that afternoon, we hit the road to shop not only for a new sofa, one that would survive our kids and the dog, but new clothes for both of us. It was an afternoon of being completely free and unhurried, with no obligations to the kids and no concerns about spending money. You have to understand how major this is, because DW is about the most frugal person ever. As it was, most of the clothes we bought were purchased with gift cards she'd received as birthday and holiday presents over the past several years. Everything I bought was discounted at least 40 percent. Despite the fact that we are again making good money, we are always going to be bargain hunters (see rug purchase above).

After shopping we had a leisurely lunch, then decided to head over to the furniture stores. We were hit with major sticker shock, as the average price for what we were looking at was about $5,000.  Five grand for a sofa that would likely be permanently damaged in less than five years didn't seem like a good choice, so we headed over to another store we'd heard about that makes custom furniture for very reasonable prices. We found what we liked, but didn't buy it because DW wanted to shop some more before making a decision. After all, it would take several weeks to be delivered and that gave us (meaning HER) a lot of time to think it over. No big deal, I thought, but it'll get done.

We then went out to dinner near the beach and froze our asses off when the clouds decided to roll in.  But we were still laughing and having a great time.  We then went searching for that elusive industrial-strength lube because we were going to try having sex that night.  We went into a sex shop in our neighborhood and quickly found what we wanted, but we still looked around so DW could check out the dildos, vibrators, and lingerie.  To be honest, I tried to steer her away from the lingerie, which I think happened because I don't think I'll ever have as wonderful an experience shopping for lingerie as the one I'd had with C/Hayden nearly seven years ago.

After the saleswoman showed DW a couple of high-tech vibrators, she decided we were done with that shop.  We paid for the lube and went home.

In bed, we played around a lot, and I eventually went down on her.  This was the first time I'd been able to do this in about three years, so I went very slowly.  I wasn't going to rush this at all.  I'd kept in good practice during those years of being with my Sugar Babies (Audrey, Mouse, Staci, College, Rachel, No-name, Natalie, Sam, KC, Aussie, Gemini, Chic, Mel, and Lia), and I put those skills to good use with DW.  When she gets turned on, her hips start to rock. Sometimes, when I'm going down on her, they rock so much I have to hold her still so I can do my thing, but this time I just let her go and kept myself still. Looking up at DW, I could see she was totally into what I was doing.  She whispered, over and over, "Oh my god. Oh my god," and it seemed as though there was not a little hint of surprise in her voice that she was going there.  When she came, her body completely tensed up, and that's when I held her still.  She was soaking wet and we agreed that we'd still need the lube.

I got it out and we tested it on our fingers.  It was indeed quite slippery, not sticky, and I thought it was a great buy.  I rubbed in on her lips and put a finger inside her, then two. She enjoyed that a lot.  We agreed that I should try to enter her, and I got on top of her. We made it as far as the head of my penis before she had me pull out. It was still quite painful. That was the last time we tried to have sex.

We'll try that again, hopefully soon. This morning, DW was on a tear with the kids and had no time to talk to me or anyone because she was just in a foul, foul place.  But she apologized later and agreed that we needed to connect physically again. She misses it.

The ongoing saga.  Meanwhile, Jade and I have been in contact.  Her story is ridiculously complicated, but for now she's back east handling some family stuff and trying to stay safe (her words). I'm questioning her suitability but I'll hold off until I see her next month.  How I'm going to resist fucking her immediately will be very difficult, but I'll succeed.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Reader's Comments

In response to my post two weeks ago, a reader posted a comment:
I do not find it fair that because your needs have changed over time you now expect [your wife] to fulfill them.  She changed too and is willing to go back [to] the way it was but you are not... It might be hard for her to deal with it but just [her] that she isn't enough anymore.  Is it not harder to make her believe that if she has sex with you it will be fine when you know you will always need more? It could drive both [of] you crazy... No sex for months is inhuman already, when you're married it becomes a duty, if she doesn't feel like she can fulfill your needs, but doesn't want a divorce, she should be fine with closing her eyes on your behavior with other women from time to time...
Lots to unpack here.  First, let's establish that my needs have never changed over time. I have always been a highly sexual man with a very healthy sexual appetite. In my earlier years with DW I never shied away from trying to expand her sexual vocabulary and skills to be more in line with what I liked and wanted. This was done while I also worked a 12-step program for sex and love addiction. When my first child was born I left that program, feeling that I was likely not an addict but was in denial that my sexual needs were totally healthy and normal. So what has changed, I guess, is that I have formed a healthier ("sex-positive" if you will) relationship with my sexuality. By then, my relationship to DW had deteriorated over sexuality, culminating in her telling me nearly nine years ago that "I don't care if I ever have sex again" and suggesting that I find a girlfriend for sex outside the marriage. I knew instinctively that she was only testing me to see if I'd actually go through with it, but I also knew that was a very practical solution to staying in a marriage with a woman I deeply loved but who was signaling the end of our sex life together. I kept my mouth shut and started seeing other women, and did so for over eight years until she accidentally caught me. Now that my activities are known to her, there is no going back to secrecy, because I want to stay married.

Second, in our discussions both in and out of counseling of returning to a marriage that involves sex, we never discussed going back to the way it was for us. I won't accept a life that doesn't involve a rewarding and fulfilling expression of my sexuality. I've told her repeatedly, and she's heard me and understood me, that I've accepted her for who she is right now. This means that I'm okay if sex is no longer going to be part of her life, and that it's also no longer going to be part of our life together, but only because sex must be part of my life. If she wants our marriage to be sexual again, that's wonderful, but she has to be on the same page as me. And a totally fulfilling sex life for me must include a willingness to try anything, or at least talk about it. If she doesn't want to participate in certain things, that's fine, but I'm no longer going to restrict myself to being less than satisfied. Part of our marriage surviving has to include her accepting me for this man that I have always been, but have only recently begun to express outwardly. She's not thinking at all that if she has sex with me it will be fine, particularly if her idea of what's acceptable for her is less than what's acceptable for me. She knows very clearly that what she has to offer might not be enough, and in her mind, she's still struggling with whether or not she can live with that in her marriage to me.  If she can, we survive; if she can't, we don't survive.  In a perfect world, we would have had this discussion before getting married or having kids, but the world is messy and we now have to clean up the mess we've both made.

Finally, I disagree with the comment that when two people get married, sex "becomes a duty." That's the last thing it should be. Sex should never be obligatory in any relationship.  In some religious traditions, I can understand that way of thinking. The purpose of marriage is to create families and bring children into the world, so there needs to be sex to make that happen, etc. Also, if sex is only acceptable within a marriage, then sex must be part of that marriage. But times and morals have changed; people have sex before marriage, and outside of marriage, all the time, and no one really has a problem with it. People in committed relationships bring in other partners all the time, and no one really has a problem with it.  To me, sex should always be desired, and never seen as a requirement, in a relationship. As soon as couples have sex because it's an obligation, then I think the emotional connection is damaged. Do that enough times and the emotional connection can become severed, perhaps permanently.

Let me be very clear: I don't require DW to submit to me sexually. I don't require that she do all that I want to do in bed. What I do require is that she accept who I am: that she supports me in being who I want to be (including sexually), and trusts that I will always honor our marriage and relationship no matter what I do. This isn't even about sex.. It's about two complete people creating and nurturing a relationship that in turn nurtures each of us to be the people we've always wanted to be. I'm hoping that DW's journey to come to terms with her sexuality helps her become a more complete woman. It's a big investment for me, of course, with two young kids being part of the picture, so there's a lot at stake.  I'm determined that I'll never give less than 100 percent to this work.