Wednesday, August 30, 2017

On Playing With Fire

All day yesterday, and into the night, I was having a "What the fuck am I doing?" crisis. Jade was coming back to town today, and I'd offered to pick her up and drive her to a friend's house before heading into the office. It added 40 extra miles to my drive today, and I kind of hate driving. So there was that. Plus, I was seeing Jade after two years of zero contact.  Like I said, What the fuck am I doing?

But at 8:00 a.m. today, as I was heading to my office after dropping my kid off at school, I got Jade's text that she'd just landed, half an hour early, and would meet me outside baggage claim so I could just drive up and get her. I arrived to the airport about 25 minutes later.

As I popped the trunk and got out of the car, we just ran into each other's arms and hugged a deep, satisfying hug. With her bag stowed, I quickly pulled out of the terminal and began the long drive to her temporary place.

The inside of my car provided the perfect place to have a private conversation to get caught up. I listened to her stories of what she'd been doing to make money and all the assorted dramas that were orbiting her at the moment, which were more than a few, including the fact that on the flight back, during a layover, she'd been robbed of her wallet and had been calling all over to cancel credit cards and connect with the DMV to get a new driver's license. (There is always something borderline tragic going on with Jade.)  Not going to go into too many details, but over the past two years she flitted back and forth between the west coast and the east coast and in between, working with friends and former lovers in various businesses.  She gave up her art, which had been a source of stress, but found success and peace in helping others achieve what she lacked the means and strength to do herself.  She spent time rekindling old flames, only to see them become untenable and toxic situations, which now necessitated her returning to the west coast.

With her stories done, I caught her up on everything that had happened since our lunch together in 2015, from my arrangement with Staci, to my soul-crushing attempt to begin something with Red, to my brief but amazing time with Aussie, and then to my intense but interrupted time with Mel. Jade's jaw dropped when I told her how DW had found out about my activities, and was intrigued at the idea of resuming an arrangement with me with DW's full knowledge. She even said she'd be down to have sex with both of us. I wasn't ready to go there, so I shot that shit down right away, which made her laugh. Jade has a great big, happy laugh that makes me smile.

The stories weren't over, and we didn't really want to stop talking, so we pulled up to a Starbucks and got a couple of teas and sat for about half an hour. We talked mostly about sex and sexuality, and how silly it is that people make sex out to be more important than everything in a relationship. It's as important as everything, of course, but not more important than everything, and if someone in a serious relationship thinks it is more important, then that's a fucked-up relationship that needs help. Meanwhile, Jade told me that she hadn't had sex in three months and was carrying around a little pink vibrator in her purse with spare batteries because she was climbing the walls with horniness.

Throughout my whole time with Jade, I pretty much held it together. I tried to kiss her in the car while at a stop light, but she said she hadn't brushed her teeth and felt disgusting. We both really, really wanted to fuck each other's brains out, and we will at some point, but she had her period and I was not going there either. 

The sexual energy has never abated between us, and that feels great, but I have to continue inspecting her to see if she's mentally capable of handling a mature arrangement with me. With her, I always feel like I'm lighting a match and holding it close to a big bundle of other matches, seeing how close I can get without lighting all the other matches in a big burst of flame that singes my hair, my clothes, and everything else. Also, the initial match is inevitably going to burn my fingers, and I know it, but I'm so far willing to endure the pain.

After a brief kiss at the drop off, I sent her a text on the way back to my office:

I'm just going to throw this out there, so please feel free to tell me to fuck off. I don't know what my timeline is for being fully available to resume our arrangement. Since neither of us has had sex in such a long time, do you think that we could just get together next week once or twice and fuck each other's brains out? I would only be to get the release that we both need.
She said she preferred starting our arrangement "asap because I honestly need some financial help."

Well, that just accelerated my efforts to work things through with DW.  I honestly don't know what will come of this. I'm not going to jeopardize my marriage right now when things are still fragile.  I can be patient and wait a little longer, so that may make a reunion with Jade impossible. Eventually, though, we'll need to come up with a solution that honors my terms.

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