Thursday, September 28, 2017

Open Marriage Update: The Therapist Weighs In, and a Boundary is Discovered

It had been two weeks since DW and I had seen our therapist. During that time, we discussed winding down our treatment, as the therapist was completing her practicum and would be leaving that counseling center in a few weeks. In fact, DW suggested we just stop altogether, using the idea of our now semi-open, poly-lite marriage as a substitute. I kept cautioning her that we hadn't been with anyone yet, and feelings were going to come up in that process, so it would be best to hang onto the therapist, at least for a little while.

Predictably, the subject of the money came up during our discussion of meeting with Rose. I had thought about bringing it up ahead of time that I wanted to avoid discussing the financial aspect of the arrangement with the therapist, but I knew that DW had strong feelings about it, and feelings are something we discuss with our therapist, so I just shut my mouth and decided to go with the flow.

We recounted how we had gone home after the last session and talked some more about it and decided to get started right away. The therapist took all of this in, and when DW started talking about her feelings, that she was struggling to wrap her head around how an arrangement is not prostitution, the therapist was given a chance to weigh in. Everyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about this, and I wrote about it in detail years ago.  But DW has what I call an old-school attitude about prostitution, that there's a stigma attached to it that is 100% negative. I disagree, and I brought this up in session. "There are plenty of women who don't view sex work as a negative, or maybe the only choice they have to make a living. But they've figured out how to monetize their own sexuality -- not just their bodies, but their whole approach to sex -- in a positive way.  I've read a lot about this over the years. It empowers them and helps them finance their future. Could be a porn star, could be an escort, or it could be a woman in the sugar lifestyle like Rose. She's a homeowner, she has a business, she has bills to pay, and she's able to use her sexuality, which we can all agree is pretty expansive if her story's true, to accomplish goals. When they get their financial needs they can focus on a building a business, or getting an education, or just living some lifestyle they aspire to where they can meet rich people and up their own games. I don't see that as a negative."  I don't think I convinced either of them, but it really doesn't matter. We talked about going the swinger route, either online or at a club, but the odds of finding someone were just too long.  The therapist got that part, and said something very insightful: "So there's definitely a convenience factor that you're weighing here." "Exactly," I said, "the financial exchange isn't just about paying for sex. If I had a girlfriend or someone I was dating, there's no assurance that she's going to sleep with me no matter how much money I spend. I have to be charming and 'a catch' 100% of the time to convince her that I'm worth having sex with. With a woman like Rose, all that dance goes away. It's a sure thing that we're going to have sex, so long as there's an attraction and some measure of chemistry."  I explained that the sugar website was created to give people who want companionship on both sides an opportunity to meet without much of the game-playing that goes on in the regular dating world. For the man, the financial investment is a way of bypassing seduction and games to cut to the chase of wanting to have sex with or spend time with, someone cute and sexy, and for the woman, it's a way to have the benefits of having a rich boyfriend without the messiness of discussing commitments. 

I then got my phone and pulled up the website to show her. I showed her how the profiles look no different than something on Match or OKCupid. She understood. The problem, I now see, is that DW hasn't gone onto the website to look since I showed her on day one. I made a mental note to myself to make sure she goes back on and reads lots and lots of profiles.

We ended the session on a much firmer footing than before, and DW is excited to get started and to discover stuff about herself. I suggested that our first session with whomever we pick focuses on her comfort level before taking care of me. "I'll have a good time regardless," I said, "so let's make sure a) you feel safe, and b) you feel you're #1. If you're uncomfortable, you only have to say 'time out' and we can stop everything."  In reality, however, I think she just needs to push through her discomfort and go with the flow. It's going to take more talking, and I think it's going to take some explicit sex talk. I want to start by watching some threesome porn (not the hardcore kind, but perhaps the Playboy TV kind that, while explicit, doesn't feature tons of close-ups) to get the dialogue started.

We had some errands to run after the session, and we discussed meeting with RJ before deciding on Rose. RJ had a transportation issue, and asked me to send her a car to take her to and from our first meeting. DW is fine with this on occasion, but if it's going to be something that is needed every time, then it's simply not convenient for us, especially when there's an option that doesn't require it. She believes, and I agree, that RJ would have to be really, really special to warrant the additional investment in transportation.  DW wanted me to tell this to RJ before we met, but I suggested that it would be better to ask that question face to face rather than via text. "She may prove to be really cool when we meet," I said, "and it may not be a problem at that point. Can you be open to that possibility?"  DW agreed to hold off.

Finally, a new girl has emerged. Pettit is a South American beauty in her early thirties with long, dark hair, a curvy figure, and really sensuous lips. She lives close to where Rose lives and has a car. She's an aspiring actress and is in school studying theater. She has an accent, she said, and is trying to lose it to get work. But her English is exceptional.

I showed DW Pettit's profile, picture, and the text messages she sent (though I deleted a few where I knew I was being overly flirty, like when I asked her to send nude pics). DW didn't like the profile, particularly where Pettit wrote about wanting to be spoiled. "She's already agreed to the same arrangement terms as Rose and RJ have," I assured her. "We're not going to take her shopping or on vacation with us." When she got to the text messages, she noticed one message where I called her "cutie." This really rubbed DW the wrong way.  "You aren't in a relationship with this girl, so it bothers me that you're already calling her 'cutie.'" I raised my hands in surrender, trying to make light of it, and said, "OK, no problem, cutie." That didn't go over too well. "I think you've found one of my boundaries," DW said sharply. "I don't want you flirting with anyone until we've at least met them." "Done," I said, "understood. Other than that, do you want to meet her?" 

"Sure."

I sent Pettit a note telling her we wanted to meet her, but that it would be a few weeks. We'd already agreed that there was no rush, so she was fine with this and said she looked forward to it.

I have to keep reminding myself that this entire enterprise will be riddled with land mines. I must watch my step!

RIP Hugh Hefner. Thank you for fighting tirelessly to loosen Americans up about sexuality. You're one of my heroes.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Meeting Rose: Wedding Nights, Yoni Massage, and Going with the Flow, Part II


Continued from previous post.

The talk ventured over into how she began sugaring. She revealed that she'd been married at a very young age, and when that ended, she needed funds to buy furniture and move into a new place. Her first marriage had been open, and she said she'd even had a threesome on her wedding night! (At that I shot a glance over at DW, who had this indescribable smile on her face, masking what I thought was a combination of shock and "gulp, what am I doing here?")  At first she thought she could use the site to find massage clients, but it morphed, obviously, into a casual sex thing. "I went on the site, on and off, for like a few years," she said. She then got engaged to a woman, but that broke off, and then had a monogamous relationship with a man that she found completely limiting, so she ended it. Now, she lives with a man in a relationship that has been "fully open from the start." I remembered a lot of this stuff from last year, but I still got to learn a few new things and watch DW's reaction. I followed her lead so that it looked to DW like I was just as surprised as she was, but I shot a wink at Rose at one point so that she knew I was just playing along.   She also told us a story about a recent experience she had with another married couple. They were friends of hers, and the woman was six months pregnant and was feeling horribly tense. Rose brought a female friend (I wondered if it were CJ) and they all took care of this woman and helped have several deep orgasms.

At that point, my lovely wife began to loosen up and talk about what she hoped to get out of the arrangement. God, I love her so much that she's being so willing and open!  I give DW lots of credit, but most of the credit goes to Rose, who was just so reassuring throughout the "date" that I knew DW was feeling at ease. One suggestion that Rose made for our first time together made a lot of sense to me. "I could bring my table, and I could give you a massage." DW revealed that she used to get a lot of massages when she was young, and liked a light touch rather than a deep tissue job. "I can do that," Rose said, "and I also do this thing called a Yoni massage." Yoni is the Sanskrit word for vagina which in Tantra is a sacred part of a woman's body. The massage is not to bring DW to orgasm, although that could happen, but to help her relax and bring previously-suppressed feelings to the surface. It's a process of creating deep intimacy between partners, and I really would love to see DW develop trust for someone other than me when it comes to sexuality.  This, to me, would make the entire threesome journey far more pleasurable and fun for all of us. 

Finally, Rose was very clear with us that she is not going to be a stickler for how many times a month we can get together under the terms of the arrangement. "I just go with the flow, whatever works, even if you want to stop and not see me again, it's totally fine," she said. I wondered why I didn't just dump Mel and continue with Rose. She was so much more my type! 

We finished up with talking about logistics. Since Rose has a roommate she can't have us over to her house. DW suggested our house, which sort of surprised me as this wasn't something we'd discussed. "Makes sense that, if we only have a couple of hours to do this that we don't spend half an hour driving to some hotel that we'd have to pay for. Just seems logical to me." So long as Rose leaves before the kids come home from their activities I'm totally fine with it. 

After about an hour together, we said our goodbyes. Once in the car, DW told me how much she liked Rose, but also wanted to give RJ a chance after she returned from out of town.  She is very excited to begin doing this. I had hopes that we'd do a little playing after the kids went to bed, and I even suggested watching a little threesome porn together, but even though she said yes, she collapsed at 10 pm and slept until morning.  She started giving me a hand job, but I wanted to fuck and there wasn't enough time. She had to start her morning. "Well, ok," I said, "you can give my cock a kiss before you go."  

"OK, I'll kiss your cock," she replied before taking the head in her mouth for a second. That was the first time, in literally years, that I heard DW say the word "cock" in a playfully sexual way. Changes are definitely happening.

Meeting Rose: Wedding Nights, Yoni Massage, and Going With the Flow, Part I

Arrived home yesterday to find the house empty, as DW was shuttling the kids to their evening activities. Mondays have now become our regular date night, and I eagerly anticipated this particular date night because we'd be meeting with Rose. It still feels completely surreal that DW and I are exploring a threesome after all these years of completely broken down sexual relations, but we've done a lot of work on our marriage over the past ten months and our communication and intimacy have dramatically improved since the summer.

When DW got home she told me she hadn't found the time to feed the kids, so we'd be having a late dinner with them after our date.  We got the kitchen ready, freshened up (DW even brushed her teeth and reapplied her makeup -- "It's a date, Porter, gotta look nice for a date!") and headed out the door. The Starbucks was just 20 minutes away in rush hour traffic, so the drive gave us time to catch up.

The night before, I'd had dinner with my buddy and confidant, Luke, and I caught him up on what had developed since our last conversation about three months ago. He was, understandably, both amazed and concerned, but without a hint of judgment, that DW and I might not be on as solid a foundation as I thought we were, and he urged me to be cautious and considerate.  One of the things he suggested was to discuss boundaries.  This was something that had been on my mind, and I had asked DW about what would be OK or not OK in bed with either RJ or Rose. She just didn't know, and hadn't really thought of it. But Luke's twist on it was to have me ask DW about those bedroom activities she would prefer remained exclusively for us.  For example, perhaps DW would not want me to kiss these women on the lips. I liked that approach better, and on the drive to meet Rose, I asked her that question. She was caught slightly off guard. "Honestly, I don't think I've ever really thought about that," she said.

"You don't have to answer now," I said, "just give it some thought to see if there's something you'd like to reserve for just the two of us."

"I don't know," she said, her delivery slowing a bit as she chewed on the thought. "Maybe oral, I guess? Because that's, like, the only way I can have an orgasm?"

You can imagine the panicked thoughts that coursed through my brain at that moment! Whaddya mean, no oral?! But, keeping my composure, I repeated back to her, "So, you would want me not to go down on the other woman because oral is the only way you can come?"

Realizing that her idea was not quite sensible, she said she was just thinking out loud. Just to make sure she realized that such an idea was actually quite absurd, I asked another question. "So, what would you object to if I went down on both of you? That she might also have an orgasm?"

"Well," she said, "we're doing this because you want penetration and I can't give that to you, so maybe you just have intercourse with her."

"So, what she might want is not important to you?"

"I know, I know, it sounds kind of stupid," she admitted. "I'll think about it a little. It may be nothing at all, actually."

We got to the Starbucks on time but didn't find Rose there, though she'd texted me that she'd gotten there early. A quick text and we found each other.  Rose wore a grayish top over white shorts and flip flops, much more casual than either DW or me. I couldn't help but think the wardrobe differences were generational! In any event, she looked as cute as I remembered her from last year, though perhaps a bit thinner, which was fine by me!  She walked over to DW and gave her a hug, and then gave me one. A very good move, I thought, to break the ice right away and make this about friendship rather than something quasi-business-y and semi-awkward.  I opened the door and let them both in.

We found an actual table for four in a Starbucks at 6 pm, which I found astonishing. I wasn't going to order anything, but I got the girls' orders and went to the counter to place them. This was a deliberate move on my part, to get DW to start talking to Rose right away without me there. I don't want to characterize DW as too shy to have a casual conversation, but with me there I knew she'd lean on me to start the conversation.

Once back at the table we made some small talk. We learned that Rose was a homeowner, having bought her first house with her mother's help about six years ago, when she was in her mid-20s. I was mighty impressed, as she was the only other woman I'd met in sugar world who owned property, the other one being Dale. She left her job of five years just over a month ago to focus exclusively on her business, and was able to make enough money to pay her bills and pay for the house.  Her boyfriend and a roommate also shared the house expenses, so it was bearable.  Still, very impressive!

-- to be continued...

Friday, September 22, 2017

The Heat is Turning UP

Since I posted our profile on the sugar daddy website nine days ago, we've been viewed 130 times, been favorited nearly 40 times, and received messages from dozens of different young women. And now, we're down to two POTs in whom DW and I are interested.
  • Rose: readers know a lot about her. At the moment, we're scheduled to meet her for drinks after work on Monday. As I type this blog post, she and I are exchanging "behind the scenes" text messages so that she's informed about DW's journey before DW shares it. I want Rose, with her background as a healer, to be able to coax out of DW some of the pain and other stuff she's been keeping inside. Already Rose has identified one possible area I don't think DW has explored, and perhaps in time we'll introduce that, if Rose becomes our partner. So far, I'm thinking she's a better fit for us than...
  • RJ: I'm running out of names here, there've been so many!! Anyway, RJ is a late-20s brunette in the entertainment business and who lives on the other side of town from us.  She's got really sexy, long curly hair, blue eyes, and is very slim and petite (like DW). She identifies as "queer," which essentially means that she can be any one of the previous letters L, G, B, or T, or all of them, and not being 100% sure is OK. She's had sex with mostly men, and just one woman, but she loved that experience so much she considers herself at least potentially bisexual. She's in a committed but open relationship with a man at the moment. From the texts we have shared, I consider her to be very trustworthy, so much so that I showed the entire thread to DW last night to get her buy-in to set up a meeting with her. What I really like about RJ is her sexual attitude, which I consider to be a bit bolder than Rose, but that is just a first impression (and I haven't fucked RJ like I have Rose). RJ offered to send me pics of her "partner" so that we'd consider a couple swap, but until DW is able to have intercourse and has upped her oral game, I'm leaving couple swaps off the table. Besides I think it's still too big of a step for DW right now.  I haven't shared with RJ the details of our marriage the way I have with Rose, either, because I'm not really there on trust with her yet. But boy, is she cute.
I've told the other POTs that we've settled on two already and wished them luck.

I told DW that we'd find a suitable partner within a week, and we've found two suitable partners in less than 10 days. I know my shit!

DW is still wrestling with the financial aspect of it. Today I suggested that she go onto the website and read a whole bunch of profiles to see how these women are presenting themselves, from their pictures to their bios and wants.  There is sure to be a number of profiles that are lame and/or overtly focused on money, but those are the ones I've ignored anyway as being too much like escorting. I also suggested she then check our professional escort websites to see the difference. She declined that but I'm not letting her off the hook because she needs to see the difference based on facts.  Plus, I think once she meets these two women she'll have a different outlook. I told her to be careful of asking the question about prostitution because she'd likely offend one of them, especially if they don't consider themselves escorts.

Finally, to give her a clue as to the value of the swingers websites, today I created a profile on one of the biggest such websites, and found that there were a grand total of eight bisexual women looking for couples of any kind within 50 miles of our home.  Of those, three were women over 40, which is out for me, and two of them wanted an allowance.  To have only five choices rather than more than 100 will greatly enhance the credibility of the sugar website.  Plus, there's the added burden on the swingers website that there's a recurring monthly membership fee, which both of us find distasteful.  There would be plenty of fun to have if or when DW decides to go the swinging route.

Last night, after showing DW the text conversation I had with RJ, DW struck me as having second thoughts about the whole thing, but it turned out to be just the money aspect of it. I also asked her to play before we went to bed, and she was reluctantly game. We had just got done watching a show on TV that featured some very beautiful women and men with fantastic, athletic bodies, and we were both a little horny. She slipped off her pants and opened her legs. I decided to go down on her to see how receptive she'd be. Within only a few seconds her hips were rocking up and down again and her eyes rolled back in her head. I did nothing out of the ordinary, mind you, but she was very into it. I put a finger inside her once or twice and licked her perineum, and in less than three minutes she came with a loud moan. I love when that happens!  I then lubed us both up and started doing our rubbing thing, but we also tried penetration. I was able to get half of my penis inside her this time, more than before, which was a good thing. She asked if I enjoyed it, and I said, "Of course it does, but not all the way awesome." She said it hurt a little less this time, but this was as far as she wanted it to go.  I pulled out and rubbed on her for another couple of minutes.  Her having had an orgasm a few minutes earlier made her pussy sensitive and she didn't enjoy it as much, but it felt amazing for me, and I came very quickly. I'm a little concerned about how I'll perform when I fuck either Lia or RJ -- ten months without intercourse is a long time!

Rose wants to bring some toys to our first session to help DW over the hump with penetration and to get her in touch with her body's feelings.  I'm really hoping this works out.

Monday, September 18, 2017

The Bizarre Trajectory of My Sugar Daddy Journey

I awoke this morning wondering what the hell I did to find myself in the bizarre, albeit highly enviable place I'm in today. My wife of nearly 20 years, who for the last nine years, five months, and 29 days didn't really care if she ever had sex again, and had, in fact, suggested I find a girlfriend to have sex with, was now actively involved in helping me find a girlfriend with whom I could have regular sex.

The last five days have provided no shortage of "WTF?" moments. The first was Jade's disappearance from my life, again, after so enthusiastically telling me that she'd really like to have sex with DW and me. The day after my last post, I was able to reach Jade. "I've changed my mind, sorry, hun" was the text I got. She wasn't going to get away with that being the end of it, of course. "I thought so, typical of you," came my response. She sidestepped that dig, and rather than expand on her first text, she evidently told the truth: "I have to go back [to NY]."

So, it really wasn't that she changed her mind, it was that she couldn't do it after all because she had to return to New York, for whatever reason. Now that I had the truth, I didn't need to be hard on her.  "Too bad, would've been fun," I wrote, and she agreed.

I got stoned that night and texted her at 11 pm that we should have a goodbye fuck before she left, but she didn't answer that at all. We chatted briefly over the weekend, but I didn't bother asking what was up that required her to return to New York just a couple of weeks after she'd left. I left her with this: "I'm very disappointed that you're leaving again. My wife said yes to this [new arrangement] and you were my first choice.  I can't help but feel like this is a stinging loss. You're fucking amazing, but we just can't connect. I wish I could be a good enough reason for you to come back, but I know that I'm not."  She didn't respond.  Her plane left this morning.

Another strange twist came late last week.  I came home early from work and asked DW if I could show her the sugar website where I'd put up a profile. I had sent her the text of the profile (who we are, what we're looking for) earlier in the day, but she hadn't really had time to read it. Once she read it, she had some questions, particularly around her confusion that there would be a financial consideration given to our "girlfriend." "Isn't that like prostitution?" she asked. I responded quietly and carefully: "Well, you know I've been with 'sex workers' in the past, so I have some thought about the differences. I think they're pretty significant, but you might disagree. First, a sex worker usually doesn't mind if she doesn't see her client again. It's a transaction, buying a service. These arrangements are like creating semi-relationships with these women. The whole idea is something ongoing and regular." That seemed to clarify things for her, but she also asked why she was getting money when we were also giving her something she wanted (i.e., sex). "These girls are not in need of sexual services, babe," I said. "They can find anyone they want. We're looking for something very specific, and it's not something you can just find at some store, or in an online personal ad. They want to pay bills, or pay off student loans, and they're fine with trading sexual companionship to do it." "Well," DW pressed, "isn't that actual prostitution?" "Not really. With a prostitute, so long as you have the required cash, and you're not obviously creepy and disgusting, you're going to get sex.  With an arrangement, there needs to be attraction and chemistry. Again, it's like dating, but less complicated and with no hidden agendas." She was then satisfied.  I then pulled up the website on her laptop, and gave her the login information so she could look at things herself, on her own time.  I showed her our profile, our private pics (she didn't like one of them so I removed it and replaced it with one she'd had on her laptop), how to search, and how to access the inbox for messages. As luck would have it, there were five messages for her to read, including one from Rose. There was one other among the five that she liked, but she really liked Rose, both her profile and her pictures. She seemed actually attracted to her, making a comment about her figure ("nice boobs"). She said, "Let's send her a note saying we want to meet," which meant she wanted me to write it and send it. A few exchanges later, and we had her phone number and a date for a first meet.  Later, when in the bathroom washing my hands, I just looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Dude, your life has really fucking changed." I knew I was going to have sex pretty soon with Rose, with DW in the same bed, naked and involved to some extent. Am I dreaming???

DW had actually sent me a Google calendar invite with the heading "Meet Potential Girlfriend." I laughed out loud! We had a moment alone over the weekend while she was scrolling through Facebook, where I shared with her how surreal that invitation seemed to me. She never lifted her eyes off her screen, and just sort of shrugged and said, "How else should I describe it?"

Another incredibly surreal thing was that DW suggested that we could redirect the funds we were spending on counseling into this new girl's allowance. "We could transition," I said. "Makes sense if things are working out with the girl. But we'll be done with [our therapist] in six weeks anyway."  That she's thinking about this is almost too much to deal with.

Finally, it hit me a day or so ago, as I was sitting in the office that DW and I share, looking at the sugar website: she could walk in here right now and I wouldn't get in trouble for having this website open on my browser. For years I've hid all this activity, and I don't have to anymore. This was exactly what I had hoped to achieve. I don't have to hide anymore. In fact, I can show her someone I like and get her opinion!

So, as of today, we've been viewed nearly 100 times, favorite 40 times, and received over 30 messages, either as openers or as replies to messages I've sent.  We have four POTS:

Rose: early 30s, light brown hair, in a committed and open relationship. Very cute, and DW seems attracted to her.  Meet scheduled next week.  Very likely she'll be the one, but one never knows.
Violet: early 30s, light brown hair, big toothy smile, average body, east coaster, lives about an hour away. DW likes her, but no meet scheduled yet.
April: late 20s, dark brown hair, tall-ish, looks like porn star April O'Neil (Google her) but not as busty, nerdy look that I like.  Lives about an hour away. Has some experience with threesomes but isn't "in the lifestyle." No meet scheduled, have to consult with DW first.
Jenna: late 20s, dark brown hair, petite like DW, looks like she could be a Kardashian, very curvy. Lives close by. She may be too upscale for us given her profile, but I'll pass her by DW and get the low-down.

There are two others, both Latina, both dark hair, both late 20s, and both at least an hour away. One is kind of too chunky for me, and one is really hot, but hasn't been responsive with messages even though we've exchanged numbers.  There were others who were about 25 years old or younger, but DW decided that they were too close in age to our kids to make that appealing.  I agree.

I think I'll handle this differently than I've handled things with my own girls. If Rose and DW don't click, we'll move to the next one. But again, I'll ask DW if she doesn't mind juggling a couple at a time to see who works out.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Open Marriage Watch: Countdown Over, We Have Ignition! Part II

In my last post I started talking about how DW has finally agreed to bring another woman into bed with us.  It's got hints of polyamory, so I'll be calling it "poly-lite." 

As of today, I've set up profiles on the Sugar Daddy website and OpenMinded.com, which is a Brandon Wade-owned site that, at first glance, looked promising. A site dedicated to people seeking partners in the poly lifestyle.  However, once I set up the profile and did a search, I saw less than two dozen profiles within my search criteria that had visited the site since 2014!  Obviously a dud, so I pulled that profile down and focused on the Sugar Daddy site.

And so far, it's been pretty amazing.  The profile had some choice tidbits in there, most notably the fact that my wife knows I'm on the site and will be a full participant in the arrangement. Further, I said we were totally green at this and wanted someone patient and fully open-minded.  This morning, I discussed it with DW before we left for work. While she didn't flinch at the cost of membership on the site, she wasn't sure she wanted to go the sugar route because of the allowance factor. I said, "You have to understand, honey, it's really the way things are now with single women meeting up with married men or couples. They all want money, whether it's on a sugar website, or a swinger's website, or even Tinder. If they don't want money, then there's something else they want."  "What's that?" she asked. "They want to break up the marriage, which in a way is a play for money, isn't it?" She saw my point and understood that it would cost money. To be completely honest, I fully expected DW to balk 100% at the idea of having to invest money in a sexual partner, and that she'd see sugaring as a form of prostitution, but she understood my explanations.  

I added that I'll be paying for the cost of the arrangement, but she said that she didn't think that was fair that I'd have to work a second job to come up with the cash needed. "I don't mind it, babe," I replied, "at least until my income stabilizes. I don't think it will be very long."  Meanwhile, maybe I won't have to contribute the full cost.  Finally, we have a dedicated date night now when the kids are taking some night classes. Gives us time to meet for dinner with our prospective partner and/or have some fun at our home.

So, in my search criteria, I put that I was looking for non-smoking women 28-40, 5'9" or under, within 50 miles of home, with slim to average builds, who were not seeking tons of allowance, and of any race but African American.  I got over 2,000 results, with more than 80 who had visited the site in the past hour! Since my profile was approved, we have been viewed more than 30 times, and we've received five messages. 

Included in those messages was one that I solicited. No, it wasn't Jade.

Right after I'd gotten DW's consent to start looking for partners, I texted Jade to let her know it was on, and to ask to have a short phone conversation the next morning. We set up a time to talk.  I called at the agreed-upon time, but got her voice mail, then a text asking if she could call me in another couple of hours.  That time came and went, and since then I've four more texts in the past 24 hours. I can't believe that her phone was either lost or destroyed in the two hours between my phone call and the time she was supposed to call me, so my only conclusion is that she's decided not to move ahead and now she's fucking ghosting me. Glad I figured that out early, so now I can move on from her. Again.

My idea for the solicited message came when I was scrolling through the website's available talent, and coming across Rose, with whom Mel and I had had a fantastic threesome last year. Rose was in a poly relationship, was fully bisexual, and her profile was written specifically for couples. So with Jade gone, Rose is a perfect choice. 

There were four others who have contacted me, and once I discuss our profile with DW, I'll pay for the membership and we'll review the messages.

 

Open Marriage Watch: Countdown Over, We Have Ignition! -- Part I

Our therapist surprised both of us at our last session, suggesting that we each of us seek individual therapy rather than couples therapy.  She cited DW's high stress level and overall fears around what I was suggesting, and thought I could use some help dealing with the frustration of waiting for DW to come around.  Her reasoning, though somewhat convincing and sound enough, didn't get past either of our desires to continue with couples therapy. For DW, she said that stress was something she lived with every day and this would just be a little more than usual, but if we could resolve the issue at hand, things might ease up somewhat.  To her credit, the therapist was more than willing to continue with us together.

We were a little late to the session, so we got right down to business. I made a strong push for a fully open marriage, saying that this was about trust, not sex, although obviously sex was the way we would test that trust. DW, on the other hand, was just not ready to go down that route.  Her trust level isn't there to consent to having me fuck other women with her not there. She returned to her earlier suggestion that we bring in a partner who could be with both of us.  She said that, as we've been engaging more with each other, she's discovering things about what she likes sexually that she hadn't ever noticed before (such as having her perineum stimulated). But pretty much, for now, she's put her foot down and refused to go along with a fully open marriage.  She said that if that was what I really wanted, there was no point to continue counseling. Jesus, she had stolen my own argument and used it on me! 

I was faced with a dilemma. On one hand, she was trusting me enough to allow a woman to come into our bed and have sex with both of us. I asked her, point blank, "How are you going to feel seeing me having intercourse with someone right in front of you?" The therapist credited me for being present enough with the gravity of what DW was suggesting to ask that question. "I don't really know," DW replied, adding that she just couldn't connect with how she'd feel until it was actually happening. Honest to some degree, but really a stall more than anything. It told me that it was a very touchy area and to tread lightly. "I think it's important to talk this out because we need to be solid with our sexuality together before we allow someone to join us," I said. "Do you feel that we're solid?" "We're getting there," she said. So this, to me, was a really positive step in the right direction.

On the other hand, I was pretty certain that when push came to shove, DW would try to put the brakes on it. So I decided to push a little further: "Let's say we take this step and we find someone we both like, and we give it a try, but you aren't into it as much as you thought, or even as much as I am. If I want to continue with this girl, are you going to say no?"  She said, again, that she's not ready to see me go off and have sex with someone without her. She believes that it's just not something she's comfortable with yet.  She did use the word "yet" so that gave me some hope that she'll continue to remain open as we take this journey.

My term around sex -- one of the things that defines me as a man -- is that I'm a very sexual man and I deserve a thrilling, rewarding, passionate sex life. There's nothing in that term that says I have to have that sex life with someone other than DW.  My whole argument all along has been my belief that DW doesn't have either the desire or the skills to give me what I want or need. But with DW going along with a threesome (!) is pretty fucking hot.  I have no idea how she'll react at the moment, but if she goes along and drops her guard enough, she could discover something quite revolutionary about herself. In any event, I'll go along with this for now because it would mean I'd get to have intercourse with another woman.  All the same, a little cannabis will be a good thing for all of us to get that started.

We briefly continued the conversation at home. I must have asked her six different ways if she was sure she was OK with what she was suggesting, to the point where she got frustrated with me. I was just giving her any and every chance to re-examine it and consider her actions. I brought up the different ways  we should go looking for someone, and assured her that I would bear the cost of it without taking any money from our family. Of course, most of this would be a ruse. My first choice is Jade, who is more than willing to do this with both of us. I did hold open the possibility, however, that DW would not find Jade suitable for us. She'll have to have input in this decision since she'll be involved. But I feel fairly confident that I can convince DW to give Jade a try.  At the end of our conversation, I said, "I'm gonna get started tonight." DW gave me a stressed smile and said, "OK."

--- to be continued...

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Open Marriage Watch: Darkness Creeps In

Today will mark eleven weeks since DW and I began talking about redefining our marriage to include non-monogamy.  During that time, we've discussed the basis of our incompatibility, the introduction of a second woman in our bed, the possibility that an extramarital partner can also become a friend, and the introduction of alternative means to have sex with each other. Jade has returned from traveling and wants to resume an arrangement with me, and I can't see a good reason to say no. And, predictably, I've reached a point where, because Jade is ready and available, I am starting to push hard to resolve this issue.

Having a non-monogamous relationship makes perfect sense to me. For one thing, DW is really not all that interested in sex, while I love it. She's engaging in sexual play with me not because she wants it for herself, but mostly because she knows I want it, and she's worried about my seeking that fulfillment with other women. For another, I know that there is a zero-percent chance that Jade, or any other woman for that matter, could or would ever replace DW. On that point, however, I will say this: if DW continues to resist the idea of an open marriage, her worry will actually come true, as I will eventually find my way to another woman, as a single man.

This is where the darkness is starting to creep in. I don't think I can be any more plain about what I want, but in all this time I've stopped short of saying that if she can't trust me to put her first and keep her safe, and if she can't support me in being the man I want to be, then there's no point in continuing counseling, and we might as well start seeing lawyers instead of therapists. From the beginning, since before we started counseling and I was seeing a therapist myself, I've maintained that if DW can't work around my terms and accept and support me for who I am, then I'll have to leave the marriage. It may not happen right away, but eventually I can't remain in a marriage where my wife continues to think I'm going to betray her.  Some people might argue that ten months is not enough time for her to get over what I did, but in my view, the biggest thing she has to get over is the way she contributed to the problem, not my actions. I did what I did in reaction to her shutting down, both sexually and emotionally. I have never, ever been shy about telling her how displeased I was with our sex life, even before she said she didn't care if she ever had sex again, and suggested that I find a girlfriend, nearly ten years ago. Her response, nearly every time, was along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but I'm so stressed and tired, I have nothing left at the end of the day for you." From that day nearly ten years ago, our sex life went from boring and dispassionate, to boring and almost nonexistent, to painful and actually nonexistent. I certainly took care of myself over those years, and I won't pretend here that it never happened, but I never stopped trying to work things out with DW, and I even pressed her to consider open marriage more than five years ago. But again, she would just shut the discussion down and refused to talk any more about it. Since I knew I was continuing to show up for her and the kids even while I was seeing other women, I eventually just carried on and took care of my needs.

Today we have another session with the therapist. I'll continue to probe for answers to my questions, particularly around her worries about what an extramarital arrangement looks like in her mind. What she has to hear from me is that I envision nothing changing between us. Safety, putting her first, and showing up like the loving husband that I am.  That's my mantra. If she can't see it now, she might not ever see it.

Monday, September 11, 2017

My Views on Monogamy in One Picture

A picture's worth a thousand words, so let's take this one bullet point at a time.
  • Normalization of Jealousy -- In a therapy session last week, DW told me she was jealous of the time I spend with my male friends, doing fun things that I could be doing with my family. "I want you to do that stuff with your family, and with me."  My response? "I get that you love me and want to spend time together. If you look at the stuff we do together, most of it's fun. But, really, I am not responsible for your feelings of jealousy. You have nothing to be jealous of." See what I did there? I actually fell into this trap.  I conflated jealousy and love, as if the expression of jealousy is a natural by-product of romantic love. It isn't. Jealousy is a by-product of lack of self-esteem and of a lack of gratitude for the blessings in one's life. I need to remember this the next time I encounter jealousy in any fashion.
  • Love Intensely Enough, and Incompatibility Goes Away -- DW and I are living proof that this doesn't work. I am madly in love with her, but it doesn't erase how sexually incompatible we are. My sexual makeup overwhelms DW, and while I love being sexual with her, DW's sexual palette eventually bores me. No amount of love for each other is going to be enough to erase that reality.
  • Meet 100% of Needs, or Be Labeled Inadequate or Needy -- I occasionally battle these feelings, but for the most part, I love the idea of DW satisfying her needs independently from me. I'd go so far as to say that if she had the need to satisfy a sexual need with another man, then I'd be OK with it so long as we discussed it up front and both understood why she felt this way. I might struggle with it initially, but I can't ask the same of her if I'm not willing to do the same.
  • Love Intensely Enough so No One Else is Attractive -- This is utter bullshit. I remember my first wife would rip me a new one if she caught me so much as glancing at another woman. My response was always something like, "Being married doesn't rob me of my eyesight. If I see an attractive woman, I'm going to look."  The truth is, we are going to see people throughout our lives who are attractive to us. Beauty is everywhere, including in people. Indulge beauty, always.
  • Commitment is Synonymous with Exclusivity -- I've proven this isn't true for over nine years. Nothing more to be said about it.
  • Marriage/Children are Natural Outgrowths of Commitment -- Enough people have kids outside of committed relationships to render this untrue. Marriage and children and committed relationships are mutually exclusive, though they can easily and frequently intersect.
  • Insecurity is Your Partner's Responsibility Rather Than Your Own -- Utter rubbish.
  • Your Value to a Partner Rises and Falls with How Much Time and Energy Spent on You, and That Value Must Trump All Else -- If we enter into committed relationships looking to be completed by our partners, then of course we are going to think that if our partners spend less time nurturing us and building us up, we are going to feel less valuable to them. But really, we can't and shouldn't enter into committed relationships unless we're already complete. What better reason to become involved with another person than because together we're greater than we are as individuals? In other words, we enter as complete people, with as few needs of the other as possible, and build something bigger. Further, my direct experience tells me that whenever a couple's attention is dominated by talking about and maintaining couplehood, it's a recipe for boredom and early break-up.
  • Your Self-Value Depends on How Your Partner Values You -- This sort of relates to the previous bullet point. When we are complete people we don't need validation as much as when we're searching for some other person to complete us. I think this comes with time, to be honest. When I was young, fitting in and being included in an in-group was all-consuming. Once I hit a certain age, however, I really did stop caring that much about how people viewed me. There will never be a shortage of people who think I'm an asshole, just and there will never be a shortage of people who think I'm the coolest person ever. It just doesn't matter if I am comfortable in my own skin. Even in a committed relationship, your partner's opinions of you have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with your partner. You're not responsible for their opinions, or their feelings, or the baggage they bring to the relationship. You control what you control: trust and support. With trust and support, love flourishes and attraction thrives. Without them, you've really got nothing, don't you?
Finally I want to address the title; specifically "monogamy." For the past several months, I've struggled with how best to discuss my feelings about monogamy with DW. I'll admit to being afraid that if she knew that I believe monogamy to be something that I don't really value, that will mean the end of the marriage, because I think DW values monogamy almost more than anything else. And that's tied up in some serious issues of insecurity and low self-esteem. I believe DW sees that my commitment to her and the marriage requires monogamy, and I don't see it that way. I've already proven that over the last nine-plus years.  From my first posts nearly five years ago, you can see that I'm madly in love with DW and I have fucked dozens of other women at the same time. Some people think that renders me detached from reality, or defective, or a hypocrite. None of that is true. The truth is, most people never really ask themselves why monogamy is required in a committed relationship. They've just blindly accepted the societal proscription of sexual non-monogamy once two people make a commitment to partner for life. I certainly did! I thought there was something wrong with me for wanting to fuck other women while I was committed to a wife or a girlfriend. I spent years, and lots of money, examining that. But then I found myself nearly ten years into a marriage I knew would be for life, with two young kids, facing the possible end of sexual relations with my wife. When I started the process of being a sugar daddy, I did it solely to ensure that I'd continue to have sex even when I couldn't rely on DW to be sexual. And it wasn't until my three-year journey with C/Hayden when I woke up to the fact that there was absolutely nothing wrong with doing what I was doing, and that my sexuality is not something that a committed relationship can contain.

My reality today is that, even if DW discovered that she liked everything  sexual that I liked and wanted to do it, except for penetrative sex, I'd want to have sex with other women. If she liked it all and  wanted penetration as well, I'd want to have sex with other women, whether in threesomes with DW or on my own, of a combination of both.

This is what needs to come out or else I actually will be a hypocrite.

OK that was over 1,200 words, but still worth it.

Friday, September 8, 2017

RIP H.C.: an Unexpected, Devastating Curveball

In my last post I wrote: 

We don't have the same tastes in food, for example, and when I want to go to a new restaurant and do "foodie" stuff, I have a buddy I go with and we have a great time.

My "foodie" friend died, tragically, yesterday morning, after a brief battle with cancer. He was in the hospital recovering from surgery to remove the cancerous parts that were left after chemo and radiation. He told me just the other day that he was feeling very optimistic about being released soon, and had gotten up out of bed for the first time and walked that same day.

But his wife posted on Facebook three days ago that he'd had a particularly rough weekend, so I was worried, and then came the news yesterday, with DW's phone call to me in the car, around dinnertime. A complication from surgery, she said, not the cancer itself. All I could think of was his wife and their child, who was just in third grade.  He was so young and such a devoted father to that kid; I can't imagine what his family is going through right now.

Life is so precious, and so brief. We think someone who dies at a ripe old age has lived a long time. It's a fucking blip, to be honest, no matter how long we're on this earth. I experience it every time I look at my kids and notice how much they've grown since the last time I looked at them. I remember holding them when they were born, and I could hold them with their feet in the crook of my elbow and their heads in the palm of my hand. Like a little squirming football.  And now my older kid is half a head taller than DW and just a few inches shorter than I am.  The "little" one will be taller than DW next year.

H.C. and I were looking forward to getting back to our semi-regular restaurant crawl, checking out new places, or turning each other onto old places we'd been to before. It wasn't necessarily high-end culinary experiences; one place was just a great burger joint and bar. They were just places with memorable food and drink, where we could sit and shoot the shit about our wives, our kids, politics, books, cooking, and getting older. Unfortunately, H.C. won't be getting older anymore, and that's just wrong.

So I'm just a little stunned, a little numb, and very, very sad today. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Open Marriage Watch: This Is It

The time is here.

DW and I have been in counseling now for about eight months. During that time we have rebuilt our way of communicating with each other. This rebuilding has led to a renewal of our trust for one another. This renewed trust has, in turn, enabled us to share with each other some of the more painful and intimate aspects of our relationship, and to approach topics that have, until now, been swept under the rug because they were either too sensitive or too liable to push our buttons. (Of course, the fact that I engaged in sugar dating for more than eight years with 52 separate partners, including one three-year relationship with someone I actually loved, is something that will never come up in any setting, because I'm not fucking crazy, yo!)

We have about eight weeks left before our therapist completes her internship and moves on. There's been talk of bringing in her senior therapist/advisor to transition to him/her once she leaves, but I think that both DW and I would like to wrap things up before then. The rapport with the current therapist has been good and she's been really adept at breaking the tension with gentleness.  I always leave sessions feeling better than when I arrived.

Since there is so little time left, I've decided to press ahead today with resolving our sexual incompatibility issue. The prospect of resuming an arrangement with Jade is playing a part in this decision, of course, but it's also because I think the pace of our sexual re-engagement has been slow. Too slow for my liking. Not to take anything away from how much I've enjoyed re-discovering our sexual connection. 

Any step DW takes toward my side of the sexual divide is welcome, and we're having some fun with it. Since she can't handle penetration right now, we've tried something else. I'll lube both of us up really well and then I'll rub my cock against her clit and pussy lips. We do this in a modified missionary position, with me on my knees and her legs as spread as possible and resting on my chest or shoulders, so that we can get just the right angle that feels best for us.  The last time we did this, she came very close to a climax, which almost never happens during regular intercourse. She told me that at the angle we had, she felt the rubbing against her anus and that she found herself even more turned on. A new discovery for her, which I loved, and I told her how proud of her I was.

But here's how I see this new thing we're doing: for us, it's a great substitute for actual penetrative sex, but for me, it's not a substitute for penetrative sex. We could have a great time doing this, and I love how it feels, and it makes me come, but I'm still going to want actual penetration to feel satisfied.  To say nothing of oral sex, porn, mutual masturbation, threesomes, light BDSM, toys, and so on. I want all of that, too. DW can join me in all of that, but I'm still going to want to have sex with another woman.

So today's session is going to start with my acknowledging all of this, and then asking her to reveal her concerns and fears about doing this. After all, we've had nearly 20 years of being sexual one way, and it hasn't really worked out, so it's reasonable to experiment with a different way.  Besides, it isn't even really about the sex, but about her trust in me. If she trusts me unconditionally then so long as I don't put her or the kinds in any kind of danger or jeopardy, this new sexual dynamic should be no problem. In any long-term, committed relationship, there has to be unconditional trust or the relationship can't survive. Of course, she'll see these as only words, but the only way for me to demonstrate that my actions back up my words is for me to take action.

A final thought about sexual incompatibility. Sexuality is only one of several areas where I find that we are incompatible. We don't have the same tastes in food, for example, and when I want to go to a new restaurant and do "foodie" stuff, I have a buddy I go with and we have a great time. We also have much different tastes in music. While I gladly go to some of her favorite artists' concerts, she doesn't like the music I really like, so when I want to see an artist I really like, I have buddies to go with me, including my older kid, who loves my music. DW wouldn't ever be concerned about my going to restaurants or concerts with food or music buddies.  I don't see why sex has to be so fraught with peril just because I am having it with a woman. DW has expressed concern that I could find a woman who meets all my needs and give me great sex, but this is rather insulting to me. I mean, I've had momentary thoughts about what life would be like if I were with C/Hayden, or Jade, but they've only been thoughts and nothing more. I've never seriously considered taking action on those thoughts, and I never will.  I'm old, gray, and have a permanent dad bod! Plus, I'm happily married! I'm simply not available for anything except short-term recreational sexual relationships. Any indication that I or my partner wanted something more, and I'd have to end that relationship. It's a matter of my commitment to my wife and family, and that's also something that I've never felt the need to, and never would feel the need to, compromise.

My primary concern is her feeling safe, but I won't compromise on my sexual terms any longer. I've been very patient, and now it's time to act. This is it.