Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Open Marriage Watch: This Is It

The time is here.

DW and I have been in counseling now for about eight months. During that time we have rebuilt our way of communicating with each other. This rebuilding has led to a renewal of our trust for one another. This renewed trust has, in turn, enabled us to share with each other some of the more painful and intimate aspects of our relationship, and to approach topics that have, until now, been swept under the rug because they were either too sensitive or too liable to push our buttons. (Of course, the fact that I engaged in sugar dating for more than eight years with 52 separate partners, including one three-year relationship with someone I actually loved, is something that will never come up in any setting, because I'm not fucking crazy, yo!)

We have about eight weeks left before our therapist completes her internship and moves on. There's been talk of bringing in her senior therapist/advisor to transition to him/her once she leaves, but I think that both DW and I would like to wrap things up before then. The rapport with the current therapist has been good and she's been really adept at breaking the tension with gentleness.  I always leave sessions feeling better than when I arrived.

Since there is so little time left, I've decided to press ahead today with resolving our sexual incompatibility issue. The prospect of resuming an arrangement with Jade is playing a part in this decision, of course, but it's also because I think the pace of our sexual re-engagement has been slow. Too slow for my liking. Not to take anything away from how much I've enjoyed re-discovering our sexual connection. 

Any step DW takes toward my side of the sexual divide is welcome, and we're having some fun with it. Since she can't handle penetration right now, we've tried something else. I'll lube both of us up really well and then I'll rub my cock against her clit and pussy lips. We do this in a modified missionary position, with me on my knees and her legs as spread as possible and resting on my chest or shoulders, so that we can get just the right angle that feels best for us.  The last time we did this, she came very close to a climax, which almost never happens during regular intercourse. She told me that at the angle we had, she felt the rubbing against her anus and that she found herself even more turned on. A new discovery for her, which I loved, and I told her how proud of her I was.

But here's how I see this new thing we're doing: for us, it's a great substitute for actual penetrative sex, but for me, it's not a substitute for penetrative sex. We could have a great time doing this, and I love how it feels, and it makes me come, but I'm still going to want actual penetration to feel satisfied.  To say nothing of oral sex, porn, mutual masturbation, threesomes, light BDSM, toys, and so on. I want all of that, too. DW can join me in all of that, but I'm still going to want to have sex with another woman.

So today's session is going to start with my acknowledging all of this, and then asking her to reveal her concerns and fears about doing this. After all, we've had nearly 20 years of being sexual one way, and it hasn't really worked out, so it's reasonable to experiment with a different way.  Besides, it isn't even really about the sex, but about her trust in me. If she trusts me unconditionally then so long as I don't put her or the kinds in any kind of danger or jeopardy, this new sexual dynamic should be no problem. In any long-term, committed relationship, there has to be unconditional trust or the relationship can't survive. Of course, she'll see these as only words, but the only way for me to demonstrate that my actions back up my words is for me to take action.

A final thought about sexual incompatibility. Sexuality is only one of several areas where I find that we are incompatible. We don't have the same tastes in food, for example, and when I want to go to a new restaurant and do "foodie" stuff, I have a buddy I go with and we have a great time. We also have much different tastes in music. While I gladly go to some of her favorite artists' concerts, she doesn't like the music I really like, so when I want to see an artist I really like, I have buddies to go with me, including my older kid, who loves my music. DW wouldn't ever be concerned about my going to restaurants or concerts with food or music buddies.  I don't see why sex has to be so fraught with peril just because I am having it with a woman. DW has expressed concern that I could find a woman who meets all my needs and give me great sex, but this is rather insulting to me. I mean, I've had momentary thoughts about what life would be like if I were with C/Hayden, or Jade, but they've only been thoughts and nothing more. I've never seriously considered taking action on those thoughts, and I never will.  I'm old, gray, and have a permanent dad bod! Plus, I'm happily married! I'm simply not available for anything except short-term recreational sexual relationships. Any indication that I or my partner wanted something more, and I'd have to end that relationship. It's a matter of my commitment to my wife and family, and that's also something that I've never felt the need to, and never would feel the need to, compromise.

My primary concern is her feeling safe, but I won't compromise on my sexual terms any longer. I've been very patient, and now it's time to act. This is it.

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